Boris Johnson reads toad poem to clear up mandatory mask confusion

This week, Boris Johnson said people “should be wearing” face coverings in shops to prevent the spread of coronavirus, but didn’t release any official guidelines. Now, the Prime Minister has come up with a genius solution to clear up the confusion, courtesy of Newcastle University.

In today’s briefing, Boris read aloud an enthralling poem about a toad. Citizens everywhere rejoiced, as this provided perfect clarity on the issue of wearing masks. Is the government officially advising you to wear masks in all shops? Which type of mask is best? Is this long-term advice? We all know the obvious answers, thanks to this great poem.

Experts at Newcastle University employed this devilish device when students were begging for more clarity regarding the pandemic’s effects on their studies. Dominic Cummings used his perfect eyesight to see the efficacy of a toad poem, and advised Boris use the tactic.

I myself am excited about the increased popularity of this method of disseminating information. I can’t wait for my next text after a visit to the New Croft Centre. Did I catch something after my last one night stand from Soho? The answer lies within the journey through a frog’s life cycle, beautifully told in iambic pentameter.