In a statement to staff and the student body earlier today, a representative of Newcastle University’s Biomedical Sciences department confirmed rumours that they were responsible for producing a hellish mix of beast and man.
Addressing the assembled listeners, Professor Steven S. Samuels admitted that his department had funnelled the majority of their budget into the secretive “Project Montgomery”. This project, he revealed, was the use of vivisection and genetic engineering techniques to create a hybrid species of human being and animal.
“We are, of course, aware that there has been much speculation on our work,” the Professor stated. “That is why we would like to publicly set the record straight. Yes: we have created these hybrids. We have done this for the sake of science and advancement. One day, I believe, the world will thank us for daring to uplift the natural order.”
The Lampoon’s science correspondent requested to see some of the hybrid creatures, but was told that any access to the outside world had to be strictly limited. “These are my children, and I feel a bond with them as any father does with his offspring,” Professor Samuels told The Lampoon. “But that does not change the fact that they have the potential to be dangerous. Half of their nature belongs to the wildness of the forest and jungle, while the other half is possessed with all the cruelty and base cunning of man: the most dangerous creature in the world.”
The university’s Research Ethics Committee did raise concerns at not being consulted on this project, stating that they had received no warning of the department’s efforts, nor the Online Ethics Form required for ethical approval. Professor Samuels, however, assured our correspondent that the Ethics Committee should have no cause for alarm.
“My children have been taught the law,” Samuels stated. “They know not to go on all fours, to eat fish or flesh, or to chase other men, and they know to break the Law means to be taken to the House of Pain.”
The Professor went on to say that what he now wanted for his hybrids was that they should grow and learn away from society and those that would not understand them.
“The outside world would not treat them kindly. Here, they are fed pasties from Greggs to make them strong, and we can make sure they don’t get their hands on any of MarxSoc’s communist literature. Believe me: that’s the one thing that we don’t want to happen.”
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