Newcastle University calls Northumbria “a fringe cult”

In the latest entry in a conflict stretching back over decades, a representative from Newcastle University today described their rival institution as a “fringe cult of false prophets and lost men”.

Speaking to The Lampoon’s academia correspondent, Newcastle University’s High Priest Anthony Aarons insisted that Northumbria was “nothing but empty halls, echoing lies and decay.”

“To call them rivals is to degrade ourselves,” Aarons (478) told The Lampoon. “Only Newcastle University has the true knowledge. We have the wisdom of the ages. We have a Subway and a Dominoes in our Union. What are we if not the Dark Gods’ chosen?”

Despite what representatives from Northumbria University have termed “a demonstration of the limitations of the High Priest’s own wisdom, whose great personage should come and have a go if he thinks he’s hard enough,” Aarons assured The Lampoon that this is not a call towards violent action.

“The Dread and Terrible Deities of Academia and Research have elected us to be a beacon of light and repository for funding in this city,” Aarons stated. “To engage in a pointless and violent struggle would only lower ourselves in Their sight. I come here now only to spread the word of our great status and responsibility, and to remind all readers that clearing is now open until October 21st, guidance for which can be found at our website. This I have spoken, and this you shall enact.”

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