Vice-Chancellor expresses “serious concerns” over the 50 ft wicker man outside his office

The Vice-Chancellor of Newcastle University, Chris Day, has detailed his worries about the 50 ft wicker man that was erected outside his office last week. The student population’s dim view on Day’s “inaction” has resulted in a fractured relationship that seems to have reached a tipping point.

Following the University’s decision last month to sack 16% of the politics department, a student group built the 50 ft wicker man outside of the King’s Gate building. The leader of the student protests, who wished to remain anonymous, said very little, mostly repeating the phrase “the time is now, the flames will come!”

The Lampoon spoke to the Vice-Chancellor about the latest addition to Newcastle’s skyline, after we forced our way into his office. The Vice-Chancellor seemed poorly composed when we arrived, shouting “Oh God! You’re not with them are you? Tell me you’re not with them! I’ve been stuck here for a week!”

After calming down, Chris Day gave a measured response to the protesters and their monolith outside.

“I’m not scared of them you know. It takes quite a lot to scare me and this sorely misses the mark. Don’t get me wrong, I have some serious concerns about their little project outside, but I’m not letting it get to me.”

“My message to students would be ‘don’t join these individuals’: they’re not cool. However, if you’re already involved, I would ask that everything stays cool, if you know what I mean.”

Since our reporter left King’s Gate, the protests haven’t ceased. With no end to the conflict in sight, The Lampoon will continue to update readers on the latest developments.

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