Newcastle University denies attempts to establish “incredibly lucrative cult”

A representative from Newcastle University today refuted accusations that the academic institution had founded a quasi-religious cult that was meeting on university property in a desperate attempt to avoid taxation.

Logan Lafferty, speaking on behalf of the University, told The Lampoon, “These accusations are simply absurd. The idea that any members of the university leadership would seriously attempt to form a neo-Lovecraftian sect in a secret chamber carved into the foundations of the Students’ Union, all as part of some get-rich-quick scheme, is not one that I believe anyone is taking seriously.”

Reports of figures in robes congregating in quiet areas of the university, as well as instances of what witnesses described as “a malevolent and oppressive-sounding chanting” echoing through the halls of the Union after sunset, first led the student body to propose the presence of a cult within the university, working towards a shadowy and unknown purpose. Surveys on what this purpose might be showed that 68% of the student body believed it to be related to “tax loopholes”, with a further 30% answering, “miscellaneous”.

But Lafferty told The Lampoon’s religion and cults correspondent that he denied the existence of any secretive and malign society embedded in university society. “I’m quite satisfied in my own mind that there is a reasonable and harmless explanation for these so-called ‘indications of cult activity’,” he stated. “Klan activity, trespassers from Northumbria, the Anthropology department up to their old tricks: whatever it is, it’s certainly nothing to be concerned about.”

“What I want to make absolutely clear is that key figures in Newcastle University are certainly not meeting on a bi-weekly basis under the Students’ Union and sacrificing previously-selected students before descending into an orgy of blood, chaos and depravity for tax purposes,” he added. “We are not guilty and, more importantly, we are not to be questioned.”

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