Rail fares increase to “first-born child”

It was announced today that the price of rail fares, including off-peak long-distance returns, will now include the purchaser’s firstborn child.

Given the government’s eagerness for people to return to their places of work following the coronavirus lockdown, many have viewed the move as “strange”, “poorly thought out” and “a dystopian nightmare”. Ministers defended the move by saying “Don’t answer back, you commoners!”

A government insider, who agreed to meet The Lampoon‘s reporter on the conditions of anonymity and using the reporter as a footstool, laid out the government’s thinking.

“At this point, we’re just trying to find out what we can get away with. We spent 150 million pounds on the wrong type of masks, and we were able to distract people by pointing to families drowning in the channel and calling them the bad guys.”

Upon being asked what the government planned to do with the children received, the source took a sip from his chilled glass of Chianti before answering.

“The Secretary of State for Transport Grant Shapps is planning to start his own chocolate factory when he leaves politics. Naturally, this means he needs a lot of small people who can sing jolly songs in wildly unsafe working conditions.”

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