Army out-claps RAF in an effort to thank NHS

After an ex-RAF Spitfire took to the skies over Newcastle emblazoned with a slogan thanking the NHS, some of the North East’s greatest retired military minds, eager not to be outdone, have come up with their own plan to “truly one-up these flying-core scallywags once and for all.”

The scheme, which has been described as the “bravest act of patriotism since Diana become the People’s Princess in the sky,” is to send a regiment of WWII battle tanks on a 10-mile parade around the Toon spray-painted with NHS rainbows and messages of support of key workers. The crescendo of the event will take place in the Bigg Market where locals will be made to line the streets and take part in a 20-minute clap, which organisers say will flush “those damn COVID Jerries like in the good old days.”

When we asked one Newcastle doctor about the generous act in his honour, he said: “This is just the latest example of performative jingoism which does nothing to fight the virus, just to try and appease our desire for some semblance of order; now stop pestering me I’m halfway through surgery.” However, we at The Lampoon love a good spectacle and chose to ignore his comments as he sounds like a pretentious twat.

This event is set out to be one of the greats of the 21st century, though we are disappointed to announce that the plan for a platoon of soldiers to goose step to Vera Lynn’s ‘We’ll Meet Again’ is to be dropped as it would break the rule of six. However, we at The Lampoon feel this great event is exactly what we need right now: to fight the virus we should come out together, bunch up, and shout, cheer and clap it away.

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