HS2 to use “artificial black hole” to further decrease commute time

A spokesperson for the ambitious High Speed 2 railway project today revealed that the organisation would be utilising artificial black hole technology in order to save time for its busy commuters.

Speaking to the media, Press Officer Tom Barrett explained that the use of an artificially-constructed black hole that could bridge two points in spacetime would “offer real, measurable improvements in terms of commute time”.

“Current thinking dictates that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line,” Barrett told the press. “What we’ve not considered in terms of rail travel is, in layman’s terms, bending space in order to bring those two points together.”

Several questions have been raised about the safety issues involved in creating a black hole for a train to pass through, and the issue has even been debated in the House of Commons. Prime Minister Boris Johnson, however, referred to the concerns as “pointless fearmongering”.

“The British people are a nation of bold rail travellers,” Johnson announced at this week’s Prime Minister’s Questions. “And to suggest that the prospect – the exceedingly unlikely prospect, I should add – of, to use a hypothetical example, damage to luggage, accidentally being transported into an unending and nightmarish hellscape, some slight noise in the quiet carriage, would turn them from their rightful prerogative to use these trains is not simply divisive, but beyond the pale.”

“I say, on with these new and wonderful leaps forward in our great British travel and, in the fitting Latin words of Sir Topham Hatt, liberate tutemet ex inferis.”

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