“We thought the company was in some deep shit,” said Callum Hall, CEO of Australia’s second-largest waste disposal company, after more than 6,000 tonnes of plastic was ejected from their facility into the nearby ocean. “We were worried that maybe this incident would force us to address the massive tunnel leading directly from our landfill site to the ocean. But then Jeff from PR came up with a really neat way around it.”
Mr Hall produced a small plastic cup with some string tied around the bottom, slipping it onto his head like a party hat. The cup featured a cartoon image of a dolphin wearing a plastic cup on its head, grinning and holding a cigar. The lattermost inclusion was paid for by Australia’s largest tobacco company, as a way to “reach the hitherto underexploited niche of children who care about the environment but also about looking cool. We believe the two goals have been mutually exclusive until this moment.”
Above the dolphin were the words “Hats for Dolphins Co.”, the new name of Mr Hall’s company.
“Oh, and speaking of being in deep shit,” Hall continued, “we’ve seen what the guys are doing over in the UK water industry and we’re loving the we-don’t-give-a-shit attitude they have towards pumping tonnes and tonnes of human excrement into their own ocean. It’s inspired us to branch out into the defecation disposal industry; like, who gives a crap where we dump your dump? If you catch my drift…”
I reminded him that several large pods of endangered dolphins had indeed “caught his drift” and that animal rights groups were pressuring him to fund a clean-up operation.
“Ah,” he replied, “see, at Hats for Dolphins Co. we believe that ‘cleaning up’ is an activity more suited to the mind than to the body. As far as we see it, what the company (and, frankly, the world) is in need of is a spiritual clean-up.”
I asked him what he was suggesting. He started to remove his hat, but Jeff from PR revealed himself from out of the shadows, gave Mr Hall another hat, and answered my question on his behalf.
“Well, by rebranding as Hats for Dolphins Co.” said Jeff, “we’ve had to re-evaluate our priorities as a company. We used to see wildlife as restrictive to our business model. But since our philanthropic donation of 6,000 hats went down so well in the dolphin and minority turtle community (I mean these guys just can’t seem to get the things off!), we have begun to value nature as more of a co-partner in our operations.”
The dolphin and minority turtle community were unavailable to comment on this issue, as they are currently engaged in a lengthy world advertising tour on behalf of Hats for Dolphins Co.