The Frog Report: an introduction

Do you only feel comfortable viewing politics through the lens of Harry Potter?

Do you use crustaceans’ social hierarchy as an explanation for complex socioeconomic structures such as modern capitalism?

Are you looking to abandon the trends for something a bit more wet and slimy that you can use to one-up your friends at parties when they tentatively suggest that not all gamer girls are fake?

Here, we utilize the serious discipline of armchair batrachology to fashion complete, objective political reports that don’t force you to come out of the comfortable mud pit that is your political echo chamber! We don’t shame you for your ignorance here. We all want to remain in a comfortable, toothless, uncontroversial state of misinformed political self-importance that requires no critical thought or self-reflection whatsoever. What does that better reflect than a frog’s desire to find a safe, warm patch of mud in which to hibernate?

Away from influences like TikTok, PornHub, Fannibals, and the Mean Girls musical that are turning your children into liberals, frogs clearly know what’s best.

Indeed, all of world politics can be easily conceptualized through this lens. Brexit is clearly reflective of a frog’s journey to separate from the clump of eggs, lose its tail, and move onto land! The US election clearly reflects the behaviour of two massive ideological frog gods. Specifically, frog gods worshipped by citizens and presidential candidates alike, dipped in red and blue paint and hopping around on a massive map of the US!

So if you prefer a lily pad to an iPad, hop on over to the Frog Report! After all, a lily pad won’t expose your children to Buzzfeed, Doctor Who fan fiction, Nickelback, Gerard Way, or other dangerous thought leaders. Together we can mourn the end of a movement that was never really a thing in the first place while drinking, wearing bad costumes, and doing absolutely nothing about it.

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