Hello frog fans, welcome back to The Frog Report!
We’re working hard to get you the freshest, froggiest news, here in our office mud pit, safe from the dangers of questioning our own preconceptions. Get some frog juice from your fridge, pull up a seat and get ready to whine about some problems that you wouldn’t bother to fix if you could.
This week we’re talking about winter. After all, as any experienced student of the amphibious world knows, most frogs living in areas that get cold tend to hibernate. Last week, we talked about the mud pit analogy; this week, we are discussing how to find your very own mud pit as the temperatures get colder.
First, you need to pick something with a lot of emotional value, preferably from your childhood, and proceed to take it way too seriously. Something like Disney, Narnia, or some play you were the lead in when you were 15 should work nicely. You have to try as hard as you can to apply commercialised, nuance-free media messages to the real world and use them to justify war, hating people you don’t like and refusing to acknowledge that some people celebrate holidays that you don’t!
Secondly, you have to defend this sturdy base of your mud pit that holds your ideas. Whenever your ideas are pointed out as being morally simplistic and scientifically baseless, you need to make a show about how you can do whatever you want to do because you don’t care what they say: you are an innocent, fun-loving person who doesn’t want mean businesspeople to
ruin your magical dream of destroying a forest to build an amusement park. Whenever it’s pointed out that there is literally nothing that supports your narrow ideas about how people in other countries should practice their religion and what women should do with their bodies, you must do your best to remind them that your sense of whimsy is infinitely more important than their lives. After all, you are just a nice traditional person who doesn’t understand why the world must victimise you by not following the social conventions of historically-inaccurate films about wealthy people.
Third and finally, you must remember that you are not the frog hiding in the mud pit, your ideas are. After all, you aren’t a coward. You believe in freedom of speech! You are brave enough to walk outside every day and defend your ridiculous, cardboard-cutout ideas from the boring, evil people who don’t believe in your wilfully ignorant fantasies and won’t let you apply them to the
way that they get their healthcare. When the world doesn’t work the way you expect it to, it has nothing to do with the fact that you make decisions according to your own whims with no idea of how they will actually play out in the future; it’s all the fault of pretentious modern liberals who have been conditioned from a young age to ruin the fun of dreamers like you.
Let your idea frog remain safe in its mud pit, where it will not have to contend with the agents of society’s downfall, like people who don’t use the Oxford comma, skirts that fall above the knee and media that is too political because it contains one message you disagree with in one scene!
Image: jenniferhernandez via Pixabay
The Toon Lampoon 