“Shit, man, what would you have said?” asks BP representative

Following a Federal District Court case in which the world’s five largest oil companies admitted to having a noteworthy role in climate change, a spokesperson for BP asked reporters, “just what the fuck you’d have said in our position.”

Addressing a press gathering, Communications Officer Tom Wilcox stated, “Look, we got the findings back in the eighties. And sure, it was some real scary shit: rising sea levels, regular forest fires, climate refugees. Well, you know what else is scary? Letting billions of tonnes of oil just sit in the ground after spending all that money on technology built specifically to get it out.”

When asked what measures BP now planned to take to reverse climate change, Wilcox said, “Let me be clear, here: no-one regrets the absolute raw pounding that Mother Earth has taken more than BP. But let’s be real here: we made our deal with the devil and the price was the future of the whole human race and your grandchildren’s lives. After all, we can’t have it said that BP broke a contract; what would the world think of us then?”

Wilcox concluded by refuting the widely-held belief that there needs to be sterner consequences for companies that contribute to climate change. “I’m sure that the sight of oil executives’ bodies twisting in the wind, suspended by hempen rope, would make everyone feel a lot better, but that’s not going to get you out of this giant apocalypse-shaped hole that we’ve put you in. If you ask my advice, the world has more important things to focus on than playing the blame game.”

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