Cyberpunk 2077 devs held hostage by angry gamers

It’s now been over a week since the disastrous release of Cyberpunk 2077, a game that promised mature storytelling, unparalleled emergent gameplay in a fully interactive open world, and Keanu Reeves, but delivered an infinite variety of bizarre animation glitches, gratuitous nudity (including yet another graphical glitch where the player characters genitals are permanently visible) and a phoned in performance from Keanu Reeves. In response to the series of disgraceful 8/10 reviews the product they defined themselves by has received, a group of very angry hardcore gamers has abducted the entire development team and is threatening to ‘360 noscope’ them if they don’t improve the game to such a standard that incels can make liking it their entire identity.

The kidnappers’ demands include many features the marketing team promised, including interaction with the world beyond shooting cyborgs in their metal faces, functioning AI, and a story beyond Keanu Reeves popping in to say something arseholish every few minutes. These were followed by a list of additional features that the ransomers had convinced themselves were in the game despite never being mentioned by anyone who worked on the game, like full simulation of every aspect of future life down to needing to clean spilled nutripowder out of the cybermicrowave, interactive sex scenes with real-time jizz physics (jizzics) and a crime system so complicated it even simulates the player’s parole hearing following their arrest for the 157 murders they committed in the first 5 hours. Surprisingly, that every 3rd shop sells dildos and female characters are sexualised more often than not received nothing but praise from the kidnappers, and their stance on the game’s near-unplayability on console was nothing but a stream of homophobic insults directed at ‘console peasants’ and a long rant about how people who can’t afford a £1399 RTX 3090 graphics card probably spend all their money on crystal meth. Complaints over the game’s complete lack of engagement with the anti-capitalist roots of it’s genre in favour of a generic crime story with cyborgs were also conspicuously absent

Police efforts to negotiate the release of the captured developers were initially successful, but soon collapsed when one of the police officers foolishly mentioned that adding additional storylines for every possible job, including sexbot maintenance and bloodstain removal, was not feasible.

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