Aspiring author agrees agency arson agenda absurd

After his seventy-third rejection for representation, novelist Tom Barrett admitted that his plan to burn to the ground every literary agency that has declined to take him on as a client has become increasingly impractical.

“There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to re-evaluate their goals and determine whether they’re not they’re realistic,” Barrett told The Lampoon’s literary reviewer, having tackled him to the ground outside The Lampoon’s office.

“Back when there were just ten agencies that had rejected my work, embarking on a series of arson attacks was a relatively straightforward goal,” continued Barrett, sitting astride our literary reviewer’s chest. “Sadly, my work’s lack of mainstream appeal and its inability to fit within current literary markets has required my intended firebombing campaign to become the stuff of dreams.”

Barrett’s works, which include a young adult fantasy novel that serves as an allegory of Benjamin Disraeli’s centrality to the Victorian political landscape; a science-fiction thriller that reflects on the importance of Disraeli’s Jewish identity in terms of his role as British Prime Minister; and a political novel that hypothesises a graphic sexual encounter between Disraeli and his rival, William Gladstone, will currently not be on sale anywhere in the near future.

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