Labour Party to immediately schism down to individual members in time-saving policy

Labour today announced that the Party would fracture down to individual members in the interests of saving time.

The news came following the latest schism in the membership, between a group of those who feel that it should be party policy to call anyone who voted for the Conservative Party a “Nazi” and those who believe that “fascist” is the more appropriate term.

Labour leader Keir Starmer stated, “It’s become increasingly apparent that what the Labour Party needs is less, not more, unity.”

“When the Labour Party is fractured between large factions, the sad truth of it is that members of either group are forced to compromise on what they believe in, from the mechanics of party policy to whether those who disagree with your coalition should be cast out of the party or merely have the word ‘Centrist’ branded across their forehead.”

Starmer continued by promising, “This new style of individual membership will ensure that a full range of suggestions and ideologies will be heard, in a confusing, angry roar from which we will craft our manifesto.”

The Labour Party leader went on to rebuff the suggestion that such a restructuring would cause the Party to offer less effective opposition and make it more difficult to win future elections.

“We at the Labour Party believe that all voices should be heard as we work together to build a country that works for everyone,” Starmer concluded. “And if working together without dissent, purity tests, or character assassination was possible before now, then surely it would have been utter madness for us not to do so in either of the previous two elections.”