Prince Andrew’s location unknown as schools reopen

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace has officially confirmed that, as children across the nation return to their classrooms as part of the gradual lifting of COVID-19 restrictions, that it has been three days since Prince Andrew has last been sighted.

“Of course, it’s not like the Duke of York has done anything illegal, nor indeed morally wrong,” the spokesperson assured the press. “This shouldn’t be viewed as some sort of manhunt. But the Royal Family are simply keen to know that Prince Andrew is safe and well.”

“After all,” he added, “I doubt anyone could claim that Their Majesties do not care deeply about each and every member of their family.”

Prince Andrew, who came under the spotlight in 2019 as a person of interest in the case of convicted sex offender and asphyxiation enthusiast, Jeffrey Epstein, has stepped back from public duties for the foreseeable future in order to pursue his professed personal interest in “consensual sex with people of an appropriate age and who are also just my wife”.

However, Buckingham Palace was keen to suppress any reports that there had been any overt pressure from the Queen to keep Prince Andrew out of the public eye.

“The idea that any white member of the Royal Family would be constrained in any manner is absurd,” the spokesman told the media. “There is absolutely no truth to the rumours that the Duke of York would have needed to remove an ankle bracelet that tracked his geographical location of all times before his disappearance, and any reports that he did so by chewing off his own foot are utterly without substance.”

Buckingham Palace has since released a statement, warning any schoolchildren within a fifty-mile radius of the palace grounds to remain alert and to be prepared to defend themselves from Meghan Markle.

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