Joe Manchin to regularly garotte Democrat voters in attempt to foster bipartisanship

Joe Manchin today announced his intention to strangle the life out of a Democrat voter, every hour, on the hour, in order to encourage bipartisan efforts within the Senate.

The Senator for West Virginia stated that reaching across the aisle was fundamental to the ideals that the Senate had been created to serve, and that he was going to ensure that it continued to do so by throttling his party’s voters with American-made piano wire.

“What my colleagues in the Democratic Party patently fail to realise is that we cannot proceed with a purely partisan approach,” Manchin told The Toon Lampoon. “I believe that partisan voting legislation will destroy the already weakening binds of our democracy, and I intend to make it stronger by staring into the dimming, red eyes of any son of a bitch I catch voting for my party.”

Manchin claims that the regular and gradual culling of Democratic supporters will ensure that neither Democrats nor Democrats will be able to pursue their own agenda without the support of their opposition on Capitol Hill.

“How are we supposed to create policy with the Republicans when our supporters hugely outnumber theirs?” Manchin asked our reporter. “That’s what’s forced them to put all of these roadblocks between the American people and their right to participate in elections, and shame on us for not trying to solve this problem.”

Manchin admits that garotting one Democrat per hour is neither the most efficient nor rapid way to right what he calls “a partisan imbalance of support,” but he is sure that his efforts will be greeted with a positive response by Republican Senators, many of whom can boast their own attempts to kill off their own voters.

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