BREAKING NEWS: Hancock did not knowingly cheat on wife

Matt Hancock has today defended his actions in being caught groping his married aide Gina Coladangelo, saying it was ‘necessary to defend the NHS against a PPE shortage’. The Cabinet Minister went on quickly to say that he was ‘just helping Mrs Coladangelo apply PPE’ as she was about to meet Michael Gove (The Lampoon understands PPE is necessary to engage with Mr Gove as he has an incredibly contagious illness known as ‘StupidDickheadinitis’).

The Toon Lampoon pressed Mr Hancock’s office for clarification on how engaging in an affair with a married senior aide is assisting the NHS, but his office refused to comment. An anonymous Conservative source went on to say that Mr Hancock acted patriotically in kissing Mrs Coladangelo because she ‘has a foreign surname’ and that Mrs Coladangelo had access to supplies of PPE, details of which she would not provide ‘without a kiss from that clammy, weak handshake of a man’. What we would like to know is if Mrs Coladangelo was the only provider Mr Hancock had access to, or whether she was the only one he personally was friends with.

Nonetheless, as details of the affair emerge it would appear Boris Johnson is seeking to promote Mr Hancock to congratulate him for appealing to the core Tory voter (ie middle aged, balding, woefully under-qualified and affair-having). If history is anything to go by, it is likely that the Conservative party will actually gain a larger lead over the political mist that is Keir Starmer.

At the Lampoon we believe attractiveness is subjective, and that love is love. The only exception is loving the grossly negligent wanker whose first name begins with ‘M’ and last name ends with ‘Cock’.

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