The Frog Report: return from hiatus

The Frog Report is back! We have, like every good frog, been hiding in our mud pit that is now not only ideological, but literal.

Around Christmas and the New Year, our irrational political opinions were attacked at all sides due to our relatives spewing evil things called ‘cogent arguments’. As such, we decided to shift to long-term readership outreach for the past six months or so in order to avoid the onslaught.

Here is what our focus group had to say:

This correspondent chose to lie low, so as not to get kicked out of the workplace.
Image: The Frog Report

Anonymous Frog #1: “The Frog Report is the bravest, most envelope-pushing journalism there is! It’s the only outlet that dares to publish the dangerous unpopular opinions that I and my 749 Facebook friends all share and post regularly.”

We interviewed the second correspondent by a private pond.
Image: The Frog Report

Anonymous Frog #2: “The Frog Report brings plenty of common sense to my news feed. It always cheers me up, especially when they repeat aphorisms I learned as a kid 30 years ago that everybody else is scared to publish. What a shame that nobody is allowed to have an opinion on a subjective statement of questionable factual veracity anymore.”

The third correspondent wore camouflage to hide from facial recognition technologies.
Image: The Frog Report

Anonymous Frog #3: “The Frog Report is one of those delightful, nerdy gems that most people just don’t get, like the Star Wars films, Lord of the Rings, and Doctor Who. Everyone thinks I’m kind of unusual for talking about it all the time to the annoyance of everyone else, but that’s just the kind of frog I am.”

Of course, we don’t just interview readers to get short soundbites of support to disprove basic facts. We also put great effort into showing the public that we mean business and have done something radical.

That’s right, we’re planning to spend thousands of pounds on a huge hunk of metal. The money was given to us by donors, who thought it was going to the good cause of amphibious reporting. After all, this is far more palatable to the public than the idea of actually having to take action!

The 10-foot-tall bronze frog fountain is in the shape of a giant frog spitting the pure water of unsubstantiated personal convictions on the public. It will cost approximately £30K, take the better part of five years to build, and should appear in our office in not-quite-working condition by December 2026.

Despite being very closely plagiarized from a smaller frog fountain at the Morton Arboretum in Illinois, it took four months to design. This because we spent £40K on hiring a design consultant to talk with us during those long, hard months of creative labour.

They told us to make the edges a bit more rounded to appeal to logo design trends in the age of social media, improve the Report’s image among millennials, and increase engagement on TikTok. We look forward to making this happen and would like to thank our readers for their generous contributions to this future feel-good PR stunt. We hope it will hinder our reporters’ productivity significantly while also being a fire hazard.

Featured image: Wikimedia Commons

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