Speaking on the steps of Capitol Hill, Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema told the press that she wasn’t like those other Democrat Senators, “who are, like, so obsessed with passing legislation that helps lift and keep people out of poverty.”
The Senator went on to claim that she was the kind of Democrat Senator who would carry a Lululemon bag, bring cake for senate staffers, vote against a minimum wage increase to $15 per hour, and be bisexual.
“I mean,” she told The Lampoon’s reporter, “how random am I? I’m so much more chill than all the other Dems: they’re always going on about abortion, combating domestic terrorism, and making sure that lower-income families don’t starve. Total snoozeville, right?”
“Meanwhile, I’m just here, taking corporate money to obstruct my colleagues’ progressive agenda. I mean, I’m just so fucking random!”
Sinema has faced criticism from both sides of the aisle, with Democrats lambasting her apparent abandonment of the very values that saw her elected, and Republicans professing a general disgust for her not being heterosexual.
“They just hate me because they wish they could be like me,” Sinema assured our correspondent. “Like, AOC wishes she could take corporate money and screw over the working classes, and Lindsey Graham wishes he could score some pole whenever he wanted. They’re just jealous.”
Democrats on Capitol Hill have suggested that, if the Arizona Senator does not begin cooperating with them to pass progressive legislation, then they shall have no alternative but to simply stop trying and hope that shit works out somewhere down the road.
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