Britain – the world’s largest exporter of TERFs and red-faced men – has today pretended to be shocked that Number 10 broke its own lockdown rules.
This follows the revelation that Downing Street staffers were recorded joking about the gathering that occurred last Christmas. The leaked footage of the incident captures the first time a government official has smiled since Priti Patel was informed about Universal Credit cuts.
“Johnson and his people are hypocrites? Oh no, wow, really?” one member of the public told The Lampoon, completely monotonously. “I am astounded.”
The press, on the other hand, are understood to be taking the matter very seriously. It is, after all, the responsibility of huge swatches of the media to scrutinise the Prime Minister with due diligence and appropriate care. Not us, though: we can say that when he cums, he cries out the name of his nanny.
One journalist agreed to talk to The Lampoon, mostly because she’s suing us for libel.
“The press pack are adapting to this new development,” she explained. “Going forward, when newscasters say it is shocking to learn that the Prime Minister is a hypocrite and a liar, they will only be allowed to snigger one, maybe two times.”
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