In an act that has been described as showing an inhuman level of restraint by several Cabinet ministers, a father of three today resisted the urge to covertly search for leaked nudes of popular music star Ariana Grande.
“To be honest, when I saw the news alert pop up on my phone, I was all set to slam on Incognito and get down to some serious cracker-pulling, right under the table,” Darren Smike, 37, told The Lampoon.
“But then, I thought about how it’s the kids’ first Christmas without their mum, what with Covid and everything, and I realised I had to be there for them, rather than grabbing a fistful of cranberry sauce for lubricant and painting the underside of the table as white as the first new snow.”
Mr Smike has been recommended for an OBE in the New Year’s Honour 2021 list by a Government insider who wished to remain anonymous, who told The Lampoon, “I have to applaud this individual’s restraint. I, for one, plunged the clunge at least seven times to that story about the drowning migrants over my starter.”
When approached for comment, Prince Andrew stated that he would, for one, would never feel the barest hint of arousal at the haggard visage of Miss Grande, and that he pitied any individual who would.
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