Somehow-still-Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been spotted by onlookers, holding a boombox outside Christian Wakeford’s house.
According to eyewitnesses, the boombox was playing what most set Johnson’s heart aflutter, namely an audiobook recording of The Rise of Rome by ancient historian Levy. Johnson is understood to be heartbroken after the MP for Bury South left the party, and is suspicious that another man is involved.
“It’s that homewrecker Keir Starmer,” Johnson told our reporter, through tears. “But I will not let go of what is mine: I can’t allow Christian Wakeford to become Christian Wokeford.”
“I can change,” he insisted. “It’ll be just like the way things were. I won’t break Covid rules anymore, just corruption ones.”
“I want Dishy Chrissy back in my arms and, like with all my lovers, I promise I’ll never cheat on him, on weekdays.”
The attempt to woo Wakeford was apparently not enough to convince the MP to return to the Conservative backbench. Not one to give up, Johnson was later seen in Bury South town centre shopping for a box of chocolates, flowers and a £325,000 public sector contract.
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