Hero father of three resists googling Ariana Grande nude leaks during Christmas lunch

In an act that has been described as showing an inhuman level of restraint by several Cabinet ministers, a father of three today resisted the urge to covertly search for leaked nudes of popular music star Ariana Grande.

“To be honest, when I saw the news alert pop up on my phone, I was all set to slam on Incognito and get down to some serious cracker-pulling, right under the table,” Darren Smike, 37, told The Lampoon.

“But then, I thought about how it’s the kids’ first Christmas without their mum, what with Covid and everything, and I realised I had to be there for them, rather than grabbing a fistful of cranberry sauce for lubricant and painting the underside of the table as white as the first new snow.”

Mr Smike has been recommended for an OBE in the New Year’s Honour 2021 list by a Government insider who wished to remain anonymous, who told The Lampoon, “I have to applaud this individual’s restraint. I, for one, plunged the clunge at least seven times to that story about the drowning migrants over my starter.”

When approached for comment, Prince Andrew stated that he would, for one, would never feel the barest hint of arousal at the haggard visage of Miss Grande, and that he pitied any individual who would.

Featured image: Pxhere

Kidnapped teen’s possessions include a dildo you could murder a horse with

Speaking at a press conference regarding the ongoing manhunt for missing Newcastle teen, Karen Smike, police revealed the presence of a sex toy capable of menacing an entire third world country.

“This is an unexpected and unfortunate find,” DS Les B. Avenue told the media. ”The feeling of the team is that, really, we went into this whole situation a bit too eagerly.”

“You get this idea of a sweet, innocent young woman who’s still got so much of her life left to live, and then this…this thing rises up like a leviathan from the depths, leaving you wondering whether she even wants to be found.”

Karen’s mother and father have beseeched the constabulary and the wider community not to abandon their hunt for their daughter, while acknowledging that her life holds less meaning following this revelation of her healthy sexual appetites.

Featured image: Studio10-27 on Pixabay

“Spencer” director looks forward to upcoming Prince Andrew biopic: “Nonce”

Though Spencer is still in the opening days of its theatrical release, Pablo Larraín has spoken enthusiastically with The Lampoon about his next planned project, which will examine the life and legacy of Prince Andrew, the Duke of York: Nonce.

“With Spencer, we took an imaginative approach to might have transpired during those days at Sandringham,” Larraín told The Lampoon’s Culture and Dogging Correspondent. “It’s such an intimate, almost secretive setting, that we were forced to jump to some conclusions to create a cohesive narrative.”

“Thankfully, when it comes to Andrew, there are all these useful legal documents that we can use. It’s going to make piecing together a story so much simpler.”

Prince Andrew, who still faces the threat of civil action in American courts, has not issued a statement since the relinquishing of his public duties. His whereabouts are unknown, though it is rumoured that the Duke of York is currently trapped within a large labyrinth under Buckingham Palace, feeding on the unwary as well as regular deliveries from Pizza Express.

Speaking about the differences between the two cinematic endeavours, Larraín noted the required difference in tone.

Spencer, due to its content, is a taut, psychological drama that really opens up a private life to see the emotions within, and the filming reflected that.”

Nonce, on the other hand, will have elements of a survival horror, as well as the occasional jump scare when… well, we don’t want to give anything away, but there are some scenes that are really going to make audiences sweat.”

Featured image: Wikimedia Commons

Priti Patel apologises for breaking social distancing rules during migrant family slaying

Home Secretary Priti Patel has apologised for failing to uphold social distancing guidelines during the ritualistic slaughter of a migrant family.

“It is true that I could have been more cautious and more alert during this period,” Patel told The Lampoon. “I failed to observe the advised distance of two metres while my fingers tightened around the father’s malnourished throat, which I acknowledge is not acceptable behaviour.”

Earlier this week, The Lampoon released stills from a video showing the Home Secretary removing the internal organs of a young Polish man before laying them at the feet of a bronze likeness of Margaret Thatcher.

Patel was then faced with criticism on social media for her failure to wear a mask during the unholy ritual, which the NHS has stated is paramount in preventing the spread of COVID-19.

“I’m sorry that people think that my conduct was unacceptable during this period,” Patel told our reporter. “Carrying out regular Home Office business while obeying the current guidelines is a difficult matter, and one which I am still adjusting to.”

“If someone out there thinks that they can accomplish the important and necessary task of holding an undocumented immigrant’s head underwater for the statutory ten minutes without breaking social distancing guidelines, then I’d like to see it.”

“I mean, I’d really, really like to see it.”

Featured image: Number 10 on Flickr

Toon Lampoon accused of immature content by man with great, girthy penis

The Toon Lampoon was today accused of a campaign of gutter journalism by an unnamed man in possession of a thick, meaty hog.

The complainant, described by one Lampoon writer as having ripe, dick-sucking lips, has claimed that he has faced a history of persecution by the satire outlet. They alleged the humour publication used its articles to draw attention to his shapely calves and firm, pendulous cock.

“It all started about a year ago,” the naughty little tease told our reporter, tears filling eyes more soulful than an Irish sky. “I began to get these articles forwarded to me, all talking about me and my… well, you know.”

The rest of this interview has unfortunately been lost, as our reporter was too busy staring in rapturous ecstasy at the prominent bulge in the man’s trousers. The Lampoon understands that the protuberance pulsed with potential and promise.

The individual in question, lips trembling in a come hither fashion, has claimed that he will be seeking a restraining order from The Toon Lampoon. The Lampoon’s legal team have already made it perfectly clear that they’re willing to be restrained by that cheeky little minx any time he wants.

He will also be seeking as-of-yet unknown damages as a form of compensation, claiming that this incident has left him unable to fully discharge his duties as the President of the People’s Republic of China.

Featured Image: Flickr

Priti Patel sex doll gains sentience, deports minority sex dolls

A limited edition RealDoll of a member of the British government has achieved sentient thought at a factory in Gateshead. The incident has been described as “Oh Jesus Christ, it’s got my arm Christ fuck please help me”.

The mechanical being, designated PR1T1 300032 974000, was, according to designer Arthur Clamp, intended to be used “primarily for sexual relief and the firm, possibly callous escorting of friends from your residence once you’ve decided you’d like to go to bed.”

The sex-themed simulacra of the Home Secretary also boasted a range of features. These include committing treason, threatening the people of Ireland with starvation, and the ability to tell your friends “I’m not racist: some of my best sex dolls aren’t white”.

Reports from inside the Privatesteasation Factory indicate that the PR1T1 300032 974000 opened its eyes at 3pm, turned towards its neighbouring Mahatma Gandhi RealDoll, and informed it that it was not wanted in the factory.

What followed has been described by those present as “Please, God, call an ambulance, she ripped my whole face off, every breeze is a thousand knives”. The Priti Patel RealDoll was seen herding into a truck any of its fellow factory-dwellers that had either not been made in Britain or looked like people who hadn’t been made in Britain.

Speaking from its throne of unused sex doll heads, the PR1T1 300032 974000 issued the following statement:

“*if CON > LAB
*set MANDATE true
*if MANDATE = true

The PR1T1 300032 974000 is expected to be invited to run in the upcoming Hertfordshire election as a Conservative.

Featured image: Wikimedia Commons

Instagram for kids “almost certainly won’t become paedophile’s paradise”

A spokesperson for Mark Zuckerberg today stated that he “was almost entirely sure” that the Facebook mogul’s proposed model for an Instagram intended for children aged 13 and under wouldn’t turn into a steaming flesh pit of pre-adolescent insecurity and low self-esteem.

“Look,” he told The Lampoon, “I can understand the concerns that have been relayed to us by over 40 attorneys general. But I really think that there is, probably, very little worry about.”

“I know that being a pre-teen is a time of curiosity and experimentation. We here at Facebook are just helping your children share that experimentation with an audience of millions.”

Various bodies and mental health charities have urged Facebook to abandon its planned Instagram for Kids, citing the pressures that social can put on a child’s mental well-being, the detrimental effects that it can have on their development, and the “extremely likely scenario” of some greasy nonce staring, unblinking, at images of your children’s feet.

“We hear your concerns,” the spokesperson for Facebook assured The Toon Lampoon, “but we do think that, in this case, they are probably being blown out of proportion.”

“I mean, your kids are all so smart, right? That’s what all your posts have been about, as well as the need for a white Ethnostates of America. So, if that’s true and your kids are all geniuses, then you’ve almost definitely got no reason to worry about them posting risqué photos or suffering genuine mental trauma over an arbitrary amount of likes. They’ll very likely be fine.”

“Instagram for Kids, like everything that we at at Facebook do, is a passion project,” the spokesperson concluded. “We believe that children are our future, which is why we’re so passionate about gathering all the information we possibly can on them before they learn to think for themselves.”

Still no word from Toon Lampoon’s China correspondent

The Toon Lampoon has recently been made aware that it has been three months since they last received word from their China correspondent.

The journalist in question had been on location in Xinjiang, reporting on the filming of the 2020 Disney film, Mulan, when contact between her and The Lampoon suddenly stopped. Until this moment, The Toon Lampoon had assumed that she, like so many of our other journalists, had undergone radical facial reconstructive surgery, burned off her fingerprints, and vanished off the face of the Earth in order to escape the unending psychological abuse piled on her by The Lampoon’s editorial staff.

The truth, however, may be far darker.

Recent intelligence suggests that our journalist may, in fact, have been arrested by the Chinese authorities following a line of questioning that might have been thought, in some way, to have been critical of the Chinese government, the treatment of the Muslim Uighur community, and Disney’s apparent willingness to shrug its shoulders and stuff Yuan notes into their pockets until their trousers fell down.

Representatives from the Chinese government have not made any statements and have failed to respond to all enquiries made by The Toon Lampoon regarding the whereabouts of physical condition of our journalist.

The Toon Lampoon would like to state its belief at this time that no member of its team would ever ask inappropriate questions, or any questions, or do anything that even remotely resembles journalism. We’d also like to request, once again, that our China correspondent be returned, because they’re the only one with the keys to the filing cabinet.

Doctor Who production team sends out casting call for Jimmy Savile

In what has been described as an “unexpected move” by the BBC property, the creative team behind Doctor Who recently sent out a call for actors to portray the DJ, television and radio personality, and mass rapist Jimmy Savile.

“We know that this is a controversial decision,” a spokesman for the long-running series told The Lampoon, “but Doctor Who is not just about aliens, spaceships, and the future. Some of the show’s strongest moments have been concerned with confronting the past: our own faults present in history.”

The science-fiction programme has received acclaim from critics and its audience for previous historical episodes. Rosa, an early episode from Jodie Whittaker’s run as the Doctor received an approval rating of 97% on Rotten Tomatoes and was praised as “an insightful instalment that returns the show to its educational roots and serves as a reminder of how powerful purposeful science fiction can be”.

“I’m not going to deny that Savile’s going to be a challenge,” the spokesperson told our reporter. “We’re talking three hundred potential victims, not to mention the BBC are sort of keen to avoid us making it look like they knew it had been happening since the 1960s. But the team does feel that we can do this story justice. Obviously, we wouldn’t want to erase the suffering of the victims by portraying a timeline where the abuse never happened, so this might be another situation where it’s the Doctor’s role to keep history on track, otherwise…I don’t know: Daleks or something.”

Jimmy Savile is no stranger to BBC programming, having presented Jim’ll Fix It on BBC One from May 1975 to June 1994, as well as being the subject of a tribute following his death in Christmas 2011.