Media still not sure if it can talk about Prince Andrew again

The media has been left in a tailspin following the failure of the necromantic rituals sustaining Prince Philip’s 1000 year long unlife. As such, it has hesitantly decided not to publish Ghislaine Maxwell’s recent confession that she saw Prince Andrew attending one of Jeffrey Epstein’s infamous Bacchanoncia parties.

Although currently unproven, the allegations are widely considered true, due to her testimony that the man she saw “did not sweat at all, almost as if his skin was some kind of rubber suit hiding his real reptilian skin”.

Normally, the tabloid press would of course just say that no one in the Royal Family ever liked Randy Andy, and find a way to blame Meghan Markle for it. However, printing the revelations in the same paper as another article about the Royal Family could cause readers to conflate the two.

As such, no-one except The Toon Lampoon will be reporting on this. This is because showing respect to Big Liz and her family would be antithetical to our ethos of seeking cheap controversy at every opportunity.

For us, this is a golden opportunity to be the only news source reporting the event. As such, we can force anyone who’s interested to read through our overly lurid version of events. Readers are assured this will include unnecessary and arguably unethical levels of detail about what happened on the nonce island.

In other news, the Daily Express is pushing for a similar agreement against reporting on systemic racism. Supposedly, it would cause the Royals deep pain to know that the thing Philip loved so dearly is under attack.

Featured Image: Wikimedia Commons

NUSU shuts down Anime Society in attempt to make Newcastle look cool

After several years of quarantining Newcastle uni’s weirdest and most socially awkward students (except for Lampoon writers and mech eng students) away from other societies, the Anime Society has finally been forced to close down. This comes as no surprise, as there has long been debate over whether or not we really need a society dedicated to not showering and cartoons about shouty children with stupid hair.

Our reporter initially led the Lampoon to believe that this may have been due to people who would not shut up about anime porn on a group chat that the SU can access at any time, or possibly groups of more than 6 people naruto running down Armstrong bridge. However, thanks to the network of cold war listening devices the Lampoon has hidden in the NUSU offices we have since discovered the true reason.

Quarantine and Brexit-related vodka shortages have led the 2020/2021 academic year to have the lowest number of initiation rituals, blood orgies and jenkem parties on record since the founding of Newcastle university, and the SU is turning to more drastic measures to maintain their delusion that Newcastle is a cool party university.

An unnamed NUSU officer unaware we were listening to see if she mentioned her credit card details was quoted saying: “For fuck’s sake, we haven’t had anyone die of alcohol poisoning in over 4 years, if we don’t do something to save our image soon there’ll be more people signing up to snort gunpowder off suspiciously brown toilet seats at Sunderland than here.”

The remaining money allocated to Anime Society has since been reallocated towards paying an artist friend of the NUSU execs to draw a single stick figure on the side of the Old Library Building.

Cyberpunk 2077 devs held hostage by angry gamers

It’s now been over a week since the disastrous release of Cyberpunk 2077, a game that promised mature storytelling, unparalleled emergent gameplay in a fully interactive open world, and Keanu Reeves, but delivered an infinite variety of bizarre animation glitches, gratuitous nudity (including yet another graphical glitch where the player characters genitals are permanently visible) and a phoned in performance from Keanu Reeves. In response to the series of disgraceful 8/10 reviews the product they defined themselves by has received, a group of very angry hardcore gamers has abducted the entire development team and is threatening to ‘360 noscope’ them if they don’t improve the game to such a standard that incels can make liking it their entire identity.

The kidnappers’ demands include many features the marketing team promised, including interaction with the world beyond shooting cyborgs in their metal faces, functioning AI, and a story beyond Keanu Reeves popping in to say something arseholish every few minutes. These were followed by a list of additional features that the ransomers had convinced themselves were in the game despite never being mentioned by anyone who worked on the game, like full simulation of every aspect of future life down to needing to clean spilled nutripowder out of the cybermicrowave, interactive sex scenes with real-time jizz physics (jizzics) and a crime system so complicated it even simulates the player’s parole hearing following their arrest for the 157 murders they committed in the first 5 hours. Surprisingly, that every 3rd shop sells dildos and female characters are sexualised more often than not received nothing but praise from the kidnappers, and their stance on the game’s near-unplayability on console was nothing but a stream of homophobic insults directed at ‘console peasants’ and a long rant about how people who can’t afford a £1399 RTX 3090 graphics card probably spend all their money on crystal meth. Complaints over the game’s complete lack of engagement with the anti-capitalist roots of it’s genre in favour of a generic crime story with cyborgs were also conspicuously absent

Police efforts to negotiate the release of the captured developers were initially successful, but soon collapsed when one of the police officers foolishly mentioned that adding additional storylines for every possible job, including sexbot maintenance and bloodstain removal, was not feasible.

2020 to end with return of the Great Old Ones, conversion of all human cities into sweatshops

This year has been a truly significant one for us mere human insects, not only because some idiot ate a bat and killed millions of people worldwide, but also because we have the honour of witnessing the greatest astrological conjunction of our aeon, when Jupiter and Saturn align on the winter solstice and call forth the Great Old Ones from their sleep.

As the skies themselves burn with the image of the blind idiot god Azatoth, so will the oceans vomit forth untold legions of squamous deep ones and great cyclopean cities of alien design unfold from the higher-dimensional obelisks that even now rise from the ground in every corner of the planet we call ours in our hubris. The cyclopean tombs of forgotten eldritch things will open beneath our feet and the luckiest of us will find refuge in insanity, unaware of the horrific fate their fallen species now shares. For the rest of us shall be forced to labour 22 hours a day producing cheap plastic souvenirs for Mi-Goh tourists.

Yes, you too will be forced at tentacle-point to manufacture ‘authentic Earthling goods’ at a price so cheap even the happy meal toy factories of the night gaunts will be undercut. And you will comply, or else your deep one manager will render you down into novelty Shoggoth food. Dread Cthulhu’s stock portfolio will rise and rise in value as daemoniac tourists splurge on t-shirts woven with real human souls, and the outer gods themselves invest in the distribution of real Earth rocks to twisted non-Euclidian dimensions. Those who sacrifice their fellow human on the Altar of Increased Productivity shall be rewarded greatly with eternal life and a raise of £3 per millennium, and the employee of the month shall be allowed to keep one (and only one) set of cultist robes to keep themselves warm, for central heating is an unacceptable expense. And so the world ends, not with a bang, but with unholy alien creatures clamouring for authentic Earthling fridge magnets.

For legal reasons, the writer of this article would like to remind you that H.P. Lovecraft was a raging racist who thought being part Welsh was a mental illness. The Lampoon does not find those views funny, and believes in shoddy journalism for all.

Ants evolve military industrial complex to profit off forever war with other ants

The world’s largest ant megacolony has recently evolved a military industrial complex in order to profit from its forever war against the California/North Mexico and Catalonia supercolonies, our insect war correspondent reports. Since the New Orleans L. humile colony evolved a racial identity in the late 1800s and began absorbing other L. humile colonies in its slow, racially motivated extermination of all other ant species, ant warfare has become increasingly more complex, with various ant species evolving biomineral body armour, extra sharp mandibles, and even tiny little biological assault rifles in their quest for global dominance.

Now, the global megacolony has evolved the weapon that its queen hopes will turn the tide of the war – a war economy. We spoke to Worker #26277251926618, a worker ant in the Paris hive weapons factories, who had this to say: “It’s about bloody time we found a way to make some dosh off this war, it’s been terrible for the global ant economy. Some days, the inflation is so bad my leaves won’t even buy me enough fungus for three meals, and it’s been weeks since I could last afford aphid milk. Anyway, my job’s so easy now that we’ve evolved chattel slavery and I have fire ants to do the heavy work for me.”

The implications of this are currently uncertain, although the newfound dependency of the L. humile economy on producing deadlier and deadlier – yet still adorably tiny – weapons has led the ant biologist we keep locked in our bathroom to theorise that, if the global megacolony ever brings the rebel supercolonies under control, it’ll probably start a crusade against termites or something. We were going to press him for more details, but he was crushed under rubble as thousands of tiny c4 packages went off under our office during a battle between L. humile and Formica sanguinea.

Please help us: now the ants have white phosphorus.

Your government mandated thought of the day

As the official propaganda arm of the Conservative Party, we at The Toon Lampoon are proud to present your new government mandated thought of the day – the only thought you need today.

Today’s thought is: “If you know better, why aren’t you in the House of Lords?” Remember to think this thought whenever you find yourself questioning how the Government has handled the coronavirus/Brexit/austerity/literally anything, and do not think non-approved thoughts for more than 10 minutes a day or GCHQ will be forced to monitor you. Non-approved thoughts are a sign of being an out-of-touch loony lefty, unlike the old money Tory MPs who perfectly represent the British working class. Winston Churchill didn’t win the war against national SOCIALISM by allowing people to think unapproved thoughts, we all got stuck in and thought whatever he told us to, and you should show some patriotic blitz spirit and do the same.

Only someone who spends too much time (any time is too much time) listening to so-called experts who have no idea what the real world is like could even think of an unapproved thought! The real world isn’t about thinking, it’s about doing! Do you think Boris Johnson thinks? No, he does things! He does women half his age! Be like big man Boris and don’t think!

Trump wins bigly with 117% of the vote

President-for-life Donald Trump has granted The Toon Lampoon exclusive permission, out of all the liberal fake news sites, to report on his second election victory and subsequent eternal reign. We can neither confirm nor deny that this is related to The Lampoon’s known stance as a paid propaganda rag for Boris Johnson.

The corrupt, big government-supporting blue states had their unfairly-stolen electoral college seats redistributed to the guns n’ freedom-loving red states that truly earned them by being real Americans. Our America correspondent reported that this was to prevent the commie Demonrats committing electoral fraud by counting anti-American votes, but we have not been able to verify this as he disappeared mysteriously shortly after someone retweeted a post he made comparing glorious leader Donald I’s hair to a dead cat. We asked one of the Proud Boys guarding the polling stations if he knew where our correspondent had gone, but he just made us sing The Star-Spangled Banner really fast to prove we weren’t illegal immigrants.

With such an enormous margin of victory, it is clear that God-Emperor Trump is beloved by all true Americans and only illegal immigrants or Satanic deep state paedophiles dared to vote against him. With the socialist House of Representatives finally shut down while the eternal ruler finds new conservative politicians to replace the now “deported” Demonrats, Trump will finally be able to get around to his election policies of turning China into a private car park and putting America’s failed communist government programs under the competent business administration of his various family members, freeing up more tax money to be spent on keeping the fallout barrier along the Mexican border as strong as ever.

The last surviving Democrat voter told The Lampoon that it would have been worse if Trump had achieved the 160% majority he was predicted against Sanders

Bakeoff contestant exposed as esoteric Hitlerist on Twitter

The Great British Bakeoff was recently cancelled after this year’s hot favourite to win, Dave Simonson, was exposed using a piping bag to draw the black sun and SS runes on his cupcakes.

Twitter users with nothing better to do except rewatch Bake Off also uncovered that Simonson had earlier baked a maple and pecan pie with the symbol of the Order of Nine Angles displayed on the crust.

Our occult correspondent, (who pretends to know about demonology because he thinks it will help him pull goth girls), informs us that the Order of Nine Angles are similar to the Church of Satan except instead of being atheist humanists who hate their Christian parents they actually believe Satan will bring about a galactic white ethnostate. All further comments about their ridiculous beliefs were deleted by our editors out of fear that we may be sacrificed to Hitler.

Paul Hollywood protests the cancellation on the grounds that the black sun may have originated in the SS, but for him it represents the NHS.