Hancock Museum to be renamed, current name ‘obscene’

The Hancock Museum in Newcastle, otherwise known as The Great North Museum: Hancock, is to be renamed, official sources close to the museum have said.

A source close to the museum said “We can’t have ‘cock’ in the name of a museum for children, it’s just not appropriate. It only stands to reason that we spend £2 million pounds of backer’s funds to hire a marketing agency to help us come up with the new name.”

A number of new names have been touted, including ‘Hanwilly’, to make it more family friendly, ‘Hanpenis’, to make it more scientific, and ‘Hanvagina’, to make it more inclusive.

It is not clear why authorities insist on retaining the name of genitalia in the name of the museum.

The source of all the controversy

This decision has received some backlash, with certain groups criticising the move.

Peter File, co-president of the People’s Institute of Saving Signs and Banners from British Yesteryear, or PISSBABY, condemned the move, saying ‘Cock is in our heritage, our culture, innit [sic]. You can’t just erase how important cock has been to our nation. I love cock, and am proud to say it’.

The decision comes after a famous street in Edinburgh, formerly known as Cockburn Street, was renamed to Dongrash Road.

It is not known whether the pub of the same name will follow suit.

Breaking: cancelled people actually erased from history

The Toon Lampoon can reveal that people who are cancelled by people on Twitter are actually sent into the purgatorial abyss between dimensions, and all trace of them is erased from history.

We reached out to find someone who had been cancelled, but couldn’t find anyone, because they never existed in the first place.

An artist’s impression of what the interdimensional abyss might look like

It appears that millions have been wiped from existence in recent years with the rise of ‘cancel culture’.

Author of the famous Harry Potter series, Daniel Radcliffe, told The Lampoon “Thank god I haven’t been cancelled, I’ve heard that transphobia and racism can literally wipe you from this dimensional plane”.

This journalist can agree. Being utterly expunged from history seems pretty bad, but at least it’s not simply being called out for bigoted views and continuing to be able to speak out and have massive wealth.

That would be a real nightmare.