Prince Harry gets job as ‘life couch’

Though accidentally misinterpreted by many sources, Prince Harry has just swiped a new job as a real-life human couch, currently residing in a Californian gallery.

Prince Harry, also known as Piece 34561: Is this seat taken?, is getting paid $5M per annum to pretend to be a sofa, a mere pittance really. He is currently the centrepiece of the new exhibit titled The Throne Room, which has seen artists across America recreate their favourite pastime of sitting down.

The caption accompanying the piece invites visitors to “sit all over it” but to “be careful not to walk”. Prince Harry’s lady friend, Meghan Markle, is also part of the exhibit, disguised as a bar stool, complete with rotating cushion.

While Prince Harry has declined further use of his royal title, this Lampoon writer is still using it, because otherwise you won’t know who I’m talking about.

Dad’s bought the presents this year and it’s not good news

Following on from the rest of 2020, another terrifying twist has been thrown one local family’s way – Papa has done the Christmas shopping this year and the only thing you’ll be unwrapping is feigned pleasantries.

While typically the Nation’s mothers are able to multitask family, working, and festive life, adding a pandemic and more dependents than they thought they had has become too much stress for one mother to handle. This means they’ve had to reach out to their support networks – no, not the kids who are now fully functioning adults – they have had to call on the help of the couch-loving father.

Not relinquishing the luxuries of working the kitchen, the mother has passed on the task of buying Christmas presents for friends and family alike. However, the mother here has made a mistake. She has forgotten to give the father a list – what a mistake to have made. The father is approaching the shops at the speed of a man who thinks he will find everything inside, and he is indeed correct. The first and last spot on this festive journey is the supermarket, where he hopes to find toys for the girls and boys as well as soap giftsets for his wife. In lieu of what people actually want, he’ll grab them a handful of festive nuts.

Back home, the gifts have been wrapped – surprisingly quickly and too fast for the mother to check their adequacy. She will have to wait until Christmas day to see beyond the red, crumpled paper and pretend to understand why you have a multipack of bacon rashers.

Students add online lectures to sex playlist

As if this year couldn’t get any more disturbing, it has been revealed that student couples are actually using online recorded lectures as saucy additions to their sex playlists.

Often lulled to sleep during in-person classes, it is no surprise that lectures have managed to make their way into the bedroom. However, instead of being used as a late-night podcast, a number of online lecturers have instead been joining the likes of Barry White and the Backstreet Boys in promoting bouncing bedroom antics.

Particular subjects that have been accused of increasing its student’s sex drives are Biology and Spanish, with talks of stamen and biblioteca teaching something new and bold.

Our sex and relationships expert has confirmed this is now a thing after hearing it through the thin walls of their own student house. They commented about their surprise of Marvin Gaye turning into a lecture about vacuums and also their regret about living with a horny Physics student.

However, it’s not all doom and gloom, with 5 in 10 students claiming that they now have a better grasp of lecture material and think they “can really ace that next assignment”. This too has been confirmed by our sex and relationships expert, who says that deep stimulation works well for implanting memories, which also explains why they can’t stop talking about vacuums.

So, next time your lecturer asks you to turn on your camera, make sure you protest against that move because you can’t be too sure of what you’ll really be turning on.

Government accused of time-wasting for insisting on mandatory thumb-sucking

A Government insider has let slip that the reason there has been no further and drastic lockdown updates recently is due to the majority party insisting on Parliamentary thumb-sucking.

In order to calm down after making really hard decisions, the Conservative Party has issued a movement within the House that requires those participating in debates to engage in the warming suck of a thumb. Many opposing parties have themselves tried to debate against the new Parliament-wide movement, but have faced an increase in jealousy and childlike wants because they, too, now want a thumb to suck.

The movement has of course faced huge backlash for many different reasons, the most prominent being the shared thumb of Boris Johnson, which takes the lips of the man himself, as well as Cummings, Sunak, and Hancock.

Our Psychology consultant, who is actually just an English student who watches true crime documentaries rather than online lectures for their degree, has stated that “thumb-sucking is probably what serial killers would do as an adult as it’s like the comfort they never got from their childhood.” It is thought that the next Cluedo board may follow from this, and may end with Dominic Raab in the Royal Gallery with the snuff box.