Like the at-risk-Tory-aunt-who-thinks-COVID-19-is-a-hoax-but-then-went-MIA-making-you- (secretly)-hope-she’d-died-but-then-turns-up-at-Christmas-with-her-snot-nosed-goblin-spawn-and-gives-you-a-non-consensual-hug, I’m back.
I’m back to educate you on all things columns, a topic I really don’t know anything about. And with no-one heading back to campus anytime soon, it’s time to reminisce about something no-one likes.
Clasp
If you’re like me until recently, you’ll have no idea what Clasp is. Well, turns out it’s that pile of rusty cubes in the middle of campus that looks like a Jenga game abandoned halfway through. From the sculpture Antony Gormley, the guy behind that T-posing angel, Clasp is a testament of everything it means to be a student.
A waste of money.
It’s nice to know my university experience is being invested in a stack of oxo cubes.
Pros
Um.
Uhhhh.
Hmmmm.
Decent spot to meet people?
Cons
I would need an entirely new column for this.
Taste
Kinda rusty and bland. Needs seasoning with some actual education.
Ability to withstand a punch.
Tried to make the journey for this test but Boris stopped me stating that “going to punch a statue is not a valid reason to travel”.
FINAL SCORE: £9250/£9250 of our degrees spent on it.
Ah yes, the humble column. A wall if a wall was a tube you could walk past and not really a wall. Able to support at least five grams of weight, maybe even more, columns are truly a pillar of modern architecture and deserve every ounce of your respect.
So why am I talking to you today? To be truthful, I don’t know: I don’t do architecture. I’m not really sure what a column is. But what I do know is that big pillars of rock are very cool, and it is about time you all learnt that. Prepare your butts for an experience that will leave you rock hard as I give a run down of all the best columns in the world. Today, we focus on a local landmark.
Grey’s Monument
There’s no better place to start than the long shaft of Charles Grey, the 2nd Earl Grey, known as Grey’s Monument. It was first erected in 1838 and rumour has it that it’s a great spot to have a cry.
Pros
Named after a guy who abolished slavery. Pretty good that.
The lad also has a flavour of tea named after him, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it’s called. Maybe it’s green?
Cons
Too tall.
Taste
Went in expecting a tea flavour, all I got was Greggs sausage roll.
Ability to withstand a punch
I’m pretty sure it shifted a little so I’ll call this one a draw.
FINAL SCORE: 1/1 columns
Arguments may be made about my harsh rating, or if this actually counts as a column, but at the end of the day, this isn’t a democracy. This is cold hard dictatorship, and my voice is the only one which counts.
If you have a column you want reviewing, please let me know. The only requirement is that they are long and hard, just the way I like it.
Unfortunately, chances are that while you are at Newcastle University you will have at least a little cry. It’s one of the things you can guarantee about your university experience. That, and crippling debt, which may jolly well be what makes you cry in the first place. But having a cry in your room is so generic, so why not spice up your cry-life with some of the best spots to tear up in Newcastle?
The Robbo
If you’re feeling a bit down and feel in need of letting the water works flow, why not do so in style? Book yourself a room in the Robbo for an hour. Sure, it is supposed to be for studying, but letting all your emotions out seems like a much better use of that time and you can do it in peace and quiet. Only downside is all those gremlins waiting outside for your time to be up so they can crack on with some macroeconomics. That, and having to mop the desk after your sobbing session.
Mog on the Tyne
Crying is always more fun with both a fuzzy companion and a drink to hydrate you for extra tears, and which place has both? Mog on the Tyne, that’s which. What’s better than tearing up while stroking a little kitty? Sure, the cat probably doesn’t give a damn about your wellbeing, but that doesn’t mean it won’t help. And when you’re done you can always use the cat as a hankie.
Image: Sophie Hicks
Grey’s Monument
Crying is the new cool. Doing it shows the world that you are confident and willing to express your emotions. So if you really want to express yourself, do it somewhere everyone can see. Like Grey’s Monument. Sure it’s high up and probably a bit cold, but it’ll make for an exciting cry that everyone will see.
Under the Arches
You can’t go wrong with a classic, and there certainly isn’t a more iconic spot than under the Arches on main campus. It isn’t just the go-to spot to share your dissertation with anyone who will listen, but also prime real estate for lovely little cry session. It also provides some great overhead cover so when it rains the only thing that’ll get wet is your cheeks.
Boris Johnson has declared the popular children’s toy Bakugan a threat to national security. He has stated that all law enforcement has been given permission to use lethal force where necessary to apprehend all Bakugan toys and propaganda.
The new law will be enforced by a specific nationwide task force called Ball Busters. Their budget and manpower is triple the amount being allocated to tackle COVID-19.
The decision follows a sudden surge in Bakugan-related crimes in larger cities like London and Warwick. The incidents started off small, but have since escalated to the point of national concern.
Earlier crimes involved muggings. Unwilling pedestrians would be forced into Bakugan matches and, upon losing, have to give up their valuables to the assailant, including their most prized Bakugan. No-one has been harmed in these muggings as of yet, unless you count their pride.
But what if this is the start of a new terrorist cell within the UK?
Many high ranking officials are concerned it is, and claim that this is just the beginning. They believe the muggings are simply a means to fund more nefarious goals.
In a time where the government has been almost crippled combating COVID-19, it seems the perfect opportunity to strike. But that won’t stop Boris Johnson using all the resources at his disposal to combat this new threat. Speaking exclusively to The Lampoon, he said:
“It is a disgrace that certain individuals have reduced a once gentlemanly sport to the instrument of criminals. We will not stand for it, and will use the full force of the law to combat it.”
“Unlike coronavirus, we will not allow this new brand of crime to spread. With a heavy heart, we must make use of Bakugans illegal.”
Some fear that Johnson has acted too late, and that the criminal masterminds behind this have, if you’ll pardon the pun, already got the ball rolling.
All we can do now is hold our loved ones close, and prepare for the worst.
Quentin Tarantino is one of the most prolific writers and directors working today, but not for any of his so-called “films”. Sure, he is well known for what he has made and his love of all things cinema, but his claim to fame has got to be his one true love. Feet.
Tarantino sure does love them. Big, small, clean, or dirty: he won’t discriminate, and will likely form an intimate relationship with every pair he comes across. Therefore, it is not surprising that this love spilled into his films more than once. So for no reason except satisfying some of your sick fetishes, let’s look at the top ten feet in the Tarantino cinematic universe.
10 Cinema – Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (2019)
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (2019) – Image: Columbia Pictures
Margot Robbie watching herself with her dirty feet on the seat in front. A prime example of how not to behave in a cinema.
9 Legs Crossed – Death Proof (2007)
Death Proof (2007) – Image: Troublemaker Studios/Dimension Films
Thankfully there are no soles in sight, but again feet are present and make me uncomfortable. While it is nothing too exciting, the crossed legs are an iconic shot.
8 Feet near booze – Jackie Brown (1997)
Jackie Brown (1997) – Image: Miramax
Goddamn I hate this so much. Those toes are too close to that drink. Hygiene has not been taken into account.
7 Toe Sucking – From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)
From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) – Image: Dimension Films
The only one on this list to actually have Tarantino in it is suitably one of the most traumatic. No, I do not want to see you sucking toes Mr Tarantino.
6 Feet on windscreen- Once Upon a time in Hollywood (2019)
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (2019) – Image: Columbia Pictures
As much as I hate them, I have to admit when it comes shots of feet, Tarantino is unmatched. While I don’t like the image, I can appreciate he did something different.
5 Kurt Russel why – Death Proof (2007)
Death Proof (2007) – Image: Troublemaker Studios/Dimension Films
Kurt Russel, without consent, stroking a wet finger along Rosario Dawson is one of the many reasons I regret writing this article.
4 Mia’s Dance – Pulp Fiction (1994)
Pulp Fiction (1994) – Image: Miramax
Feet aside, this is probably one of my favourite scenes in the film.
3 Eye Squish – Kill Bill: Vol 2 (2004)
Kill Bill: Vol 2 (2004) – Image: Miramax
The Bride pulling out Elle Driver’s remaining eye? Bad ass. Proceeding to stand on said eye with it popping between her feet? No thanks.
The suspense of the scene is so good you can ignore the foot fetishism creeping in. Still creepy that Tarantino personally strangled the actress Diane Kruger in this scene though.
1 “Wiggle your big toe” – Kill Bill Volume 1 (2003)
Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2002) – Credit: Miramax
Arguably one of the best scenes in this brilliant film, it is one of the only times Tarantino has used feet in a non-creepy narrative way.
It is safe to say writing this was the equivalent of selling my sole to the devil. Time to go boil myself in holy water. You could almost say writing this was toe-ture.
The Toon Lampoon 