Newcastle trebles bars offer three vaccine shots for a fiver

After the national lockdown forced them to keep their doors shut, struggling Newcastle trebles bars have found an innovative way to stay out of the red and profit from a ballooning new industry.

Quick-thinking trebles bars across the city are now offering three shots of COVID-19 vaccines for a fiver.

“In many ways, what we’re doing isn’t too different to before,” Sam Booker, owner of city centre trebles bar Treb Bien, laughed. “Like with the vodka we used in our trebles, no one really knows what’s really in the vaccine, and like our vodka, it may leave you with some side effects the next day.”

The distribution of the vaccine isn’t too different, either.

“We know you’re only meant to have two shots of the vaccine, but from our experience as a nightclub we know that the more shots, the better,” Sam continued. “And we know that the vaccine doses are meant to be given at least three weeks apart, but have you tried spacing your drinks out on a night out? It just means you don’t get as drunk – surely that applies to vaccine efficacy, too?”

But some Newcastle residents have expressed concerns about the safety of the trebles bars’ vaccines, citing worries they may have diluted the doses with water or lemonade.

Furthermore, the vaccines developed by Oxford-AstraZeneca and Moderna are only authorised for those aged 18 and over, and Pfizer aged 16 and over. Locals are worried that the nightclubs may give the vaccines to children as young as 13 if they wear enough make-up and have fake ID.

But the prospect of getting a vaccine at a trebles bar still resonates with some.

“Trebles bars aren’t too far from the chippy, and it’s a nice excuse to get glammed up,” Sally Smirnoff said. “I haven’t worn my heels since Boris shut the nightclubs in March, and it feels great to get them back on for a round of shots with the girls.”

“Plus, as we all know, social distancing is quite tricky in clubs, so we’ll find out very soon whether the vaccines actually work or not!”

Featured image: Marko Milivojevic via Pixnio

Americans wake up the morning after Biden’s inauguration to find the nation hasn’t miraculously healed overnight

Citizens across the United States have been horrified to wake up the day after President Joe Biden was inaugurated to find that their country looks, well, basically the same.

In his speech on Capitol Hill, Biden addressed the four crises currently facing the US: the COVID-19 pandemic, the resultant economic slump, the climate emergency and the country’s institutional racism. These were themes prevalent in his election campaigning, too

But, 20 hours into his presidency, Americans woke up the next morning to find the country very much the same, except someone new had taken over the @POTUS Twitter account.

“I thought the sun would be shining, the birds would be singing, and both COVID and racism would be gone,” Biden campaigner Hilarie Clinten told The Toon Lampoon. “But it’s still January, the birds have migrated south because of climate change, and COVID and racism are still destroying our nation. This wasn’t what we were promised.”

“Our toilet’s still broken, and the plumber says he doesn’t have an opening ’til next week. Plus, they’ve ran out of strawberry Pop-Tarts at my local Walmart. It’s a shambles.”

Clinten isn’t the only only disappointed by the new administration.

“It sucks,” disgraced former president Donald Trump, dressing gown-clad on his balcony in Mar-a-Lago, shouted to anyone who would listen. “Biden is just letting this country down. The people are so bigly disappointed.”

In his first 24 hours in office, Biden signed a slew of executive orders. The US will be rejoining the WHO, signing onto the Paris Accord, and overturning Trump’s travel ban on majority-Muslim countries. But, as we all know from our experience at The Toon Lampoon creating a charge.org petition to get us recognised as the official Newcastle University student paper, just signing your name doesn’t get you very far.

“We expected massive assault rifles shooting out COVID vaccines, football pitch-sized vacuums sucking all the pollution out of the air, and money falling from the sky,” Clinten explained. “There’s been none of that.”

Biden has also disappointed his new citizens with his underwhelming Twitter presence, too. No exclamation marks have appeared in his tweets so far, and capital letters have only been used where grammatically necessary.

Americans are waiting with bated breath to see whether the new president does bring real change beyond just a subdued social media presence.

Featured image: Gage Skidmore via Wikimedia Commons

McDonald’s celebrates Veganuary by launching vegan water

McDonalds marked its most innovative entry yet into the cruelty-free market by debuting its vegan water in time for Veganuary.

Veganuary is a month where social media influencers give up meat and dairy products to appear more ethical and charge companies hefty fees for sponsored posts featuring tofu and soya milk.

The fast food chain launched its Vegan McWater, which retails at £2, after noticing high demand from its five vegan customers.

“There really was a gap in the market for us to trial a cruelty-free beverage,” McDonalds’ Head of Product Innovation Keith Sandwich told The Toon Lampoon‘s restaurant correspondent.

“In the past we just served customers the water we used to clean our chicken nugget fryers, but the poor Veganuary buggers are already having to put up with vegan food for a month, so we thought we’d treat them to some cruelty-free water to wash down the taste of vegetables and fake chicken.”

After the 2020 everyone had, during which around 1.82 million people around the world died of COVID-19 and more Black Americans died as a result of the country’s systemic racism, McDonalds told us its vegan water is a great way to celebrate the new year.

“And, with the pubs closed, it’s not like we’ve got much competition in the drinks department,” Sandwich laughed.

The mass advertising campaign accompanying the product’s launch is to spread awareness of the health benefits of a vegan diet and has nothing to do with cashing in on the growing vegan market, Sandwich added hastily.

For the month of Veganuary only, McDonalds is offering a free bottle of Vegan McWater with any beef burger from its menu.

Featured image: Cruiser on Wikimedia Commons

Grandma standing in the way of child’s dream of a hot babysitter once again

A young boy who had always dreamed of being minded by a hot babysitter had his hopes crushed after his parents revealed that, for the fifth time this month, it would be his grandmother babysitting him yet again.

“I don’t know why my parents keep asking her back,” the boy told our reporter, struggling to hold back the tears.

“Could she swap with one of her hot senior friends just once? At this point a GILF will work fine.”

The boy admitted that his grandmother doesn’t charge for the service, sends him to bed at a sensible time, and has never been found stealing whiskey from his parents’ drinks cabinet.

“Grandma always behaves very respectfully, but I didn’t think that’s what babysitters are meant to do,” the boy said.

“I feel like I’ve missed out on a vital coming-of-age experience. My sexual awakening will be delayed, and it’s all my parents’ fault.”

The boy also admitted that he had once put laxatives in his grandmother’s tea in that hope that she would be forced to return home and call a hot young babysitter to stand in in her place. Instead, his grandmother was physically unable to leave the house for fear of having an accident on the way home, and the boy had to spent the evening avoiding the bad smell in the bathroom.

“I don’t know what to do,” the boy told our reporter despairingly. “I just want someone to think about at bedtime who isn’t a Blue Peter presenter. I’ve ever resorted to printing out pictures of the Blue Peter pets to keep under my pillow.”

The Toon Lampoon’s Head of Human Resources, who relies on a babysitter himself to tell him to stop trolling online and put him to bed every night, shared personal recommendations with the boy.

Image: Pixnio

Revealed: what is Sean Bean REALLY called?

Sean Bean’s real name is Shaun Bean.

Violent protests erupt after Greggs not included in Eat Out To Help Out

Newcastle has been host to a swarm of disruptive and in part violent protests after it emerged that Geordie staple Greggs has not been included in the government’s Eat Out To Help Out scheme.

The brainchild of Conservative Chancellor Rishi Sunak, the scheme has seen many restaurants, cafes and pubs offer 50% discounts on food and non-alcoholic beverages on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays throughout August. The discount will be covered by the government in a move that is hoped to encourage spending and revive the hospitality industry.

However, many of those north of the River Trent have been shocked to discover that the offer does not include bakery chain Greggs. This means that their famous sausage rolls currently cost a bank-breaking £1 each, leaving many regulars reeling.

“It’s a disgrace,” fumed local pastry enthusiast Gregory Gregson. “My KFC Chicken Zingers are half price, as are my Big Whoppers, but I can’t even get 50p off my sausage roll. It’s just typical of this country really.”

Gregarious Gregory and his fellow discount bakery lovers even decided to stage a protest to express their outrage at the government’s decision.

“We call ourselves the Defenders of Greggs,” Gregory explained to The Lampoon. “We believe that everyone should have the right to eat whatever discounted meals they choose – and if the southerners are allowed their half-price Wagamama and Starbucks then we up north should be allowed our discounted Greggs.

“At a push I would even accept a compromise – maybe Cooplands or Milligans – but even their slightly sub-par sausage rolls aren’t included on the offer. It’s ridiculous.”

At the most recent Defenders of Greggs protest, Gregory and his friends surrounded the Civic Centre dressed as their favourite pork-based snack and threw supermarket knock-offs of Greggs’ famous classic at the local council building.

“It was a great day,” laughed Gregory. “The funny thing is that if they were the real deal Greggs sausage rolls, the council employees would have been eating them straight off the floor, even during a pandemic – no one would ever let a Greggs sausage roll go to waste. But because they weren’t, the staff didn’t dare go near them – and so they’ve been left barricaded in the building by a wall of sausage rolls.”

When The Lampoon‘s correspondent asked Gregory whether the introduction of the Eat Out To Help Out scheme at Greggs would encourage him to try the bakery’s other wares, the local activist seemed horrified.

“You mean that those vegan ones would be included in the offer?!” Gregory asked incredulously. “We only deal with real meat around here. I’d rather go sausage roll-less than have one of them.”

Eight films that don’t live up to their title

Like many other unemployed young people, much of my lockdown has been spent working my way through Netflix’s vast treasure trove. Quite soon, though, I realised that the on-demand service really excels at one thing: lying. Here are eight films that really deceived me.

Reservoir Dogs

Maybe expecting aquatic pugs and swimming cockapoos was a bit too much, but surely a labrador wouldn’t have been too hard to get? The closest Tarantino gets to a dog is the multiple cries of “bitch”, and pools of blood don’t seem like a very good substitute for reservoirs to me. Disappointing.

Up

Dodgy characters, the whole lot.

Instead of a heart-warming story about a young boy overcoming his erectile dysfunction, I was instead faced with a load of bollocks about balloons?

Harry Potter

As a lifelong collector of Byzantine vases, I was very excited for a whole franchise detailing the life of an enthusiastic young potter. Imagine my disappointment when I sat through all eight films and was yet to discover a single mention of modern ceramic techniques! Admittedly some of the crockery used in the Great Hall shows a great eye for design, but overall the film evidently just used the “potter” reference in the title to lure in eager ceramics enthusiastic. Appalling!

White Chicks

They really aren’t.

Shrek 2

The first Shrek film was exceptional and its title in no way deceived me. The second instalment, however, has shown me just how treacherous DreamWorks really is! I had eagerly anticipated the return of Donkey, Fiona and the gang, but picture my disappointment when the film only featured one Shrek and not the two that the title promised.

Notting Hill

Largely unfamiliar with London, I was looking forward to educating myself on one of the capital’s hippest districts. This is not a David Attenborough documentary – why on Earth does it feature so many lewd references?! Disgusting. Many recent “geographical” documentaries have similarly let me down – Australia and Madagascar to name a couple.

Free Willy

File under “False Advertisement”

Nope.

Pretty Woman

Julia Robert doesn’t really suit a blonde bob.

Rah shocked to discover money doesn’t grow on trees

A student from the home counties has been forced to make actual career plans after the shocking discovery that money doesn’t grow on trees.

Student Elle Woods made the distressing revelation during a meeting with her personal tutor.

“My tutor asked me what my plans for the future were,” recounts Elle, still visibly shaking. “After telling him I wanted to be just like one of the Kardashians, or Paris Hilton if things go tits up, he asked how I could sustain such an extravagant lifestyle.”

“My sugar daddy doesn’t have many more years left in him, and my real daddy threatened to cut me off after I made a friend from Bradford. I said I would just go farm some money trees – we probably have some on our Cheltenham estate – and my tutor told me the truth.”

It is believed that Elle had made an honest mistake, having never visited a farm before, telling The Lampoon she’s “not a peasant”.

The Lampoon doesn’t know what it’s more surprised by: how disillusioned rahs are, or the fact that someone actually had a personal tutor meeting.

Sausage roll more of a wrap, scientist discovers

The Global Food Technology community has been left shaken by recent research which suggests that sausage rolls are actually more of a wrap.

Nutrition specialist Dr. G. Reggs made the shock announcement in his paper On the anatomy of a sausage roll, published in the British Pastry Journal earlier this week.

In his lengthy report, Dr. Reggs argued that the shape of a sausage roll differs greatly from that of a traditional Scandinavian cinnamon roll, and it also bears no resemblance to the music of Chuck Berry and The Beatles. Instead, its form is made by gently wrapping the sausagemeat in layers of flaky pastry while listening to Eminem – “and so”, argues Dr Greggs, “the name sausage wrap would be much more appropriate.”

This declaration hasn’t, however, come without backlash. Rival nutritionist Prof Milligans countered Dr Greggs’ claims, suggesting that the paper was simply written as a marketing stunt “like when the vegan sausage roll was introduced. That was just unfair competition to guilt-trip other meat-based bakeries for ploughing their customers with coronary heart disease.”

Mr. B. Akery laughed off claims that his pastries were more like wraps than rolls, saying: “They’re still letting me get away with calling them ‘sausage’. That’s a blooming miracle.”

Osborne Road bar shocks customers with happy hour that only lasts an hour

Jesmond residents have been left stunned after an Osborne Road bar has announced details of its new ‘happy hour’ offer – and it only lasts an hour.

The Bar – as the watering hole is affectionately known, whose tagline is “we don’t fuck around” – shocked punters when it unveiled its radical new signage this morning.

In comparison to its counterparts on Jesmond’s bustling main road, The Bar limits its happy hour to just sixty minutes. As a result, guests have to drink fast if they want to make the most of the half-price cocktails.

Osborne Road regular Johnny Bierman didn’t know what to make of the development.

“It’s shocking. I can’t believe how much they’re trying to rip us off compared to the other bars on the street, which have happy hours lasting at least three hours. A happy hour lasting only sixty minutes is bloody ridiculous.

“More than anything I just feel let down. They’re really wanting to milk us, but we’re not that stupid.”

The Housemartins were said to be equally shocked, exclaiming: “Don’t believe it (it’s happy hour again)”.