Boris Johnson has today told the House of Commons, the world’s highest maintenance nursing home, that all poppies will be blue after Brexit.
The announcement inspired the ire of Labour leader and your mum’s boring older boyfriend, Keir Starmer.
“I’m incredibly saddened by this policy. I’m told by my spin doctor that ‘sad’ is an emotion, sort of like stubbing your toe but stubbing your brain,” Starmer told reporters.
“Rest assured, your Leader of the Opposition won’t stand idly by. He will stand competently by, and say a lot of cross soundbites.”
“We are the party for peace,” Johnson insisted, “except in regions where it is profitable to be for war.”
“Labour went gallivanting into the Middle East based on half-truths, but not us. We do our lying at home, like patriots.”
“This is the perfect way to pay our respects to British veterans of wars that Britain started.”
Featured image: Financial Times