Confused Johnson announces all poppies after Brexit will be blue

Boris Johnson has today told the House of Commons, the world’s highest maintenance nursing home, that all poppies will be blue after Brexit.

The announcement inspired the ire of Labour leader and your mum’s boring older boyfriend, Keir Starmer.

“I’m incredibly saddened by this policy. I’m told by my spin doctor that ‘sad’ is an emotion, sort of like stubbing your toe but stubbing your brain,” Starmer told reporters.

“Rest assured, your Leader of the Opposition won’t stand idly by. He will stand competently by, and say a lot of cross soundbites.”

“We are the party for peace,” Johnson insisted, “except in regions where it is profitable to be for war.”

“Labour went gallivanting into the Middle East based on half-truths, but not us. We do our lying at home, like patriots.”

“This is the perfect way to pay our respects to British veterans of wars that Britain started.”

Featured image: Financial Times

St James’ Park pre-emptively installed with ‘glory hunting twats’ stand

Fans have spotted a ‘glory hunting twats’ stand being installed at St James’ Park, a struggling community centre in the north east of England.

This follows the acquisition of Newcastle United Football Club by Saudi Arabia, the world’s least sexually liberated sugar daddy.

A spokesperson for the club swam through piles of money being dumped in the room by industrial diggers to speak to The Lampoon.

“This exciting new extension is to get ahead of the changes we expect to see at the club over the next few years. Namely, improving the reputation of one of the worst human rights abusers on Earth, and Newcastle supporters getting called fake fans in eighteen months by Man City fans.”

“We can’t wait for this new stand to attract hundreds of thousands of Twitter followers, and maybe three ticket sales.”

“That’s what this is about: community,” she explained, before spitting out several £50 notes.

Image: CFTV Stadiums, YouTube

Johnson proves commitment to healthy living, announces fizzy drinks shortage

Prime Minister and wet dog impersonator Boris Johnson has today proven his dedication to healthy living by announcing huge shortages of fizzy drinks. He also boasted about one-upping Labour’s 2019 proposals for a four-day week by only having enough power for three.

The Prime Minister agreed to talk about the drinks shortage to our health correspondent, who regularly runs, mostly away from loan sharks.

“This is a win for Britain,” the collection of carpet fibres insisted. “The shortage is due to a lack of CO2, so we’re also showing the world how green a post-Brexit GB can be!”

“Of course, I won’t be having fizzy drinks either, except for maybe a splash of Dom Pérignon. Even then, I’m saving that for when I find the nerve to sack Priti Patel.”

“After all, I believe in leading by example. I have long-since championed the nuclear family, which is why I’ve started at least two.”

Featured image: Number Ten on Flickr

True ally? Guy mansplains to trans women just as much

A local man has been found mansplaining to trans women just as much as to cis women, in a truly touching feat of allyship. The man is to be awarded the Bare Minimum Award by Mermaids, reserved exclusively for cisgender people who manage to go an entire week without bigotry.

The Lampoon tracked down the man and asked him for an interview, after rifling through his bins.  The bin rifling was not for journalistic purposes; we’d just heard a rumour that he’d thrown out a TV.

“I might be patronising, rude and incredibly disrespectful, but I’m not a terf,” the man explained to The Lampoon’s condescension correspondent. “And what better way is there to show that I respect a group of people than being completely obnoxious?”

A transgender woman familiar with the man agreed to speak to The Lampoon, in the knowledge that its record on trans rights is better than most broadsheets.

“When he explained to me how my chosen name should be spelt, I knew I’d found someone I could trust,” the woman told The Lampoon. “If I’m really lucky, maybe he’ll explain all of my opinions on Sylvia Plath back to me.”

“He’s so arrogant, and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have an IQ of 30: at last, I feel like a woman.”

Featured image: Pxfuel

Report: single piano notes at beginning of movie trailer suggests it’s about to get real

An investigation into a trailer for the latest Hollywood blockbuster has confirmed suspicions that the piano notes at the start mean some serious shit is about to go down. The investigation into the trailer was launched by the Federation Against Copyright Theft (FACT), after The Lampoon’s film critic pirated it.

The Lampoon’s film critic agreed to share her thoughts from her private study, or – as it is known in the business – prison cell.

“I knew this trailer was gonna be a rollercoaster right from the get-go. As soon as I heard that first piano note, I just knew it would end with a violent action scene set to an upbeat song from the 1970s.”

“That’s the issue with us movie-buffs, you can’t fool us. Can you uncuff me?”

A representative for Warner Bros. Pictures confirmed “We’ve been trying to keep this under wraps for as long as possible, but yes, we can confirm it gets pretty gnarly in this trailer.”

“There’s action, dark action, quippy action, action on a roof, and more actors than your dad can ask ‘now what have I seen her in?’.”

A spokesperson for FACT said “Who pirates a trailer?”

Featured image: Warner Bros. Pictures on YouTube

Man described as “bit of a character” actually just a cunt

The Lampoon can reveal that a man whose friends described him to a newcomer as “a bit of a character” is actually just a twat. The newcomer explained that she met the man through mutual friends last night, and agreed to discuss the incident with The Lampoon’s social affairs correspondent.

The man began the evening by insisting on ordering shots, being rude to staff and not taking off his cravat. He proceeded to explain to the newcomer that it’s ridiculous that women idolise men like Timothée Chalamet, before talking for an hour about Laurence Fox.

The newcomer has since confirmed she is suing for emotional damage.

“Oh my god, he was doing voices,” the woman added, while pinching the bridge of her nose. “I think it was an impression of the waiter, or maybe a bad John F. Kennedy, or a really bad Jackie Kennedy.”

“The best I can say about it was it probably wasn’t racist.”

The man is expected to be offered a job at a Big Four bank any day, though The Toon Lampoon would be interested in knowing if he had any experience in satire.

Featured image: Pixabay

Opinion: I liked Mitski before it was cool, and I’m still waiting

As told to Joe Molander

Hello reader, it’s me, the guy who ghosted you on Tinder after mansplaining Virginia Woolf. It’s such a shame, because I was so close to telling you how feminism should be done.

Today, I’m back with another treatise. You can tell I’m an intellect, because I say things like “treatise”.

Among my various intellectual pursuits – such as convincing myself I’m not rich when I live in Kensington – I enjoy listening to Mitski. You probably haven’t heard of Mitski, but that’s okay: I’m such a good feminist that I will happily explain it to you in a slow, over-enunciated voice.

Mitski is a singer-songwriter who’s more underground than the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. She’s so obscure that the only monthly listeners she has on Spotify are me, and 6.8mn other people.

There is, of course, one side effect to being a Mitskian, as those in the know call ourselves. Her music is so real and so raw that as soon as you become a devotee, you instantly lose all your friends.

Still, that’s to be expected. The people who speak truth to society are often the furthest alienated from it. Just look at Socrates, or Kayne West.

So no, I don’t mind that my love for Mitski is uncool; in fact, I wear it as a badge of honour. Can you unblock me please?

Featured image: lucasalmei on Pixabay

Joe Biden commits to withdrawing troops from Afghanistan as soon as oil companies let him

Joe Biden has today committed to withdrawing all US troops from Afghanistan, just as soon as he gets the go-ahead from oil conglomerates.

“I announced in April I was going to get our boys home, and I meant it. We can’t stay in Afghanistan and continue to contribute to a bloodbath like we’re in some cowboy movie, or Iraq.”

“I just also happen to be a teensy-weensy bit scared of telling the oil guys no. They get about as unhinged as I am when I haven’t taken my meds.”

Of course, Biden admitted that there were many actors to consider.

“It’s also important we weigh up the opinion of the Afghan people, because that’ll make me look good in the re-election campaign.”

Biden is of course expertly qualified to understand all manner of complicated military matters. His understanding of technology, for example, is such that it now takes him just three hours to open a PDF.

Featured image: Gage Skidmore on Flickr

Who said it? A libertarian or a baby

As I told the police officer who caught me stealing car radios, ideology is a confusing thing. In fact, it’s so mystifying that some people have no ideology at all, such as children, or the Leader of the Opposition.

Today, we’re clearing things up by taking on everyone’s favourite ideology-on-a-technicality, libertarianism. Below are seven quotes: some are from a babbling infant, and others are from a baby. Can you guess which is which?

#1 – Waaa! Waaa!

A baby, upon being asked to pay income tax.

#2 – But I don’t wanna!

A libertarian, upon being asked to put his seatbelt on.

#3 – Mummy, mummy, muuuuummy

A libertarian, when asked who does his laundry, pays his phone bill and irons his clothes respectively.

#4 – *Incoherent crying*

Gary Johnson, upon seeing the results of the 2016 US presidential election.

#5 – Please don’t patronise me Paul

A baby, after his father wouldn’t stop speaking to him in that stupid voice.

#6 ­– Underlying most arguments against the free market is a lack of belief in freedom itself

Milton Friedman, so both.

#7 – Ouchy!

A baby, on her thoughts on the direction of the stock market.

Featured image: Hippopx

“The media bullies people,” says dumb nerd

Every single news outlet has been accused of having a bullying problem, by some dumb little pissbaby nerd.

“The digital and print press is entirely out of control, and completely immature,” the loser said, presumably before going home to cry to his momma.

The person making the accusations wishes to remain anonymous, out of bizarre concerns that they may be subject to ridicule.

Meanwhile, the press has hit back at the allegations.

“Of course we’re not bullies,” a representative for Rupert Murdoch told our reporter, while flushing their head down the toilet. “Bullying is for children, and sometimes members of Cabinet.”

The representative continued “Mr. Murdoch would never bully anyone, unless they really deserved it.”

“That’s because his newspapers only go after the powerful in society, like single mums and refugees.”

The accusations also focus on the idea that the media are corrupt, which our editors denied wholeheartedly whilst at the Prime Minister’s yacht party.

Featured image: Verywell Family