Sandyford residents “cannot sleep” after Helmsley Road taken over by poltergeists

After locals complained of a loud “techno” wailing being heard well into the night, a local ghost hunter claims Helmsley is now Newcastle’s “most haunted road.”

The evil spirits can be regularly seen wreaking havoc on late-night passers-by, causing them to stumble and stagger about “as if they were heavily intoxicated.” Their loud cacophony is said to be audible up to half a mile away, leading many locals not to just complain about the noise, but also about the undead’s poor taste in music. It has reportedly frightened so many near-by hounds that even landlords are letting them into student flats.

Recent reports on Newfess brought the situation to light after which the University Vice-Chancellor Chris Day, who is an avid user of the platform, supposedly summoned the ghost hunter to take care of the situation. Day was purportedly overheard worrying about the ghost problem, proclaiming that “it looks like another Warwick about to happen.” The hunter, who refuses to be named out of fear of curses, is said to have a PhD in Spookolagy and also be a registered botanist.

Relying on advanced techniques in hearsay and pure emotion, the hunter has concluded that “a poltergeist invasion is the only plausible explanation” for the recent goings-on. He concluded it would be “impossible” for rowdy students to be the cause as, due to COVID-19, large-gatherings are currently banned.

Some frightened locals were seen openly dosing themselves in holy water, locally dubbed “Smirnoff Ice,” in an effort to appease the demons. Others have taken a more traditional approach; it is believed one of the more well endowed Leazes’ cows was burnt on a sacrificial pyre on Sunday night, because it is well-known “phantoms hate the smell of BBQ.”

Metro to upgrade ageing fleet to steam

The Tyne and Wear Metro is to replace its ageing 40-year-old rolling stock with steam trains. Transport chiefs say the plan would see disruption from overhead wire faults fall down to almost zero. A Nexus spokesman also added it would make the service 70% more reliable, speed up journey times by 20% and be “100% more steampunk.”

When asked about the drastic increase in pollution this would cause, Metro management said that the smoke-clogged tunnels under the city would act as a deterrent for anyone still not wearing a mask. They also added that a 5-minute journey across the Toon would only be the equivalent of smoking a pack of cigarettes and at “around a third of the cost, it really is a bargain.”

The train operator said this plan would actually decrease their carbon footprint, as they are following the lead of the “tree-hugging hippies” in the energy sector by replacing the trains’ coal-burning furnaces with clean carbon-neutral ones fuelled with wood pellets. This is despite the calls from climate campaigners that biomass burning produces an even greater volume of CO2 than coal, as there is less energy density in wood. According to official estimates by the rail engineers: 40,000 tons of wood is needed to be found to operate the new trains per year “but everything’s fine as the sourcing’s handled by Amazon.”

Once City Council member defended the plan, saying: “We’re going back to nature, man: it’s 100% natural and organic; everyone burnt trees before the Industrial Revolution, including on their steam trains.”

The Council’s transport committee also defended the plan, saying the upgrade to steam would save millions of pounds compared to their previous Metro upgrade, which is still years away. This is due to the fact that scores of museums and historical preservation societies are more than happy to sell locomotives off on the cheap after visitor numbers in the pandemic have dropped to only the “most hardcore of train enthusiasts”. They hope that by sending these locos to the Toon, “all those nerds would follow too, and give us a bit of peace and quiet for once.”

Army out-claps RAF in an effort to thank NHS

After an ex-RAF Spitfire took to the skies over Newcastle emblazoned with a slogan thanking the NHS, some of the North East’s greatest retired military minds, eager not to be outdone, have come up with their own plan to “truly one-up these flying-core scallywags once and for all.”

The scheme, which has been described as the “bravest act of patriotism since Diana become the People’s Princess in the sky,” is to send a regiment of WWII battle tanks on a 10-mile parade around the Toon spray-painted with NHS rainbows and messages of support of key workers. The crescendo of the event will take place in the Bigg Market where locals will be made to line the streets and take part in a 20-minute clap, which organisers say will flush “those damn COVID Jerries like in the good old days.”

When we asked one Newcastle doctor about the generous act in his honour, he said: “This is just the latest example of performative jingoism which does nothing to fight the virus, just to try and appease our desire for some semblance of order; now stop pestering me I’m halfway through surgery.” However, we at The Lampoon love a good spectacle and chose to ignore his comments as he sounds like a pretentious twat.

This event is set out to be one of the greats of the 21st century, though we are disappointed to announce that the plan for a platoon of soldiers to goose step to Vera Lynn’s ‘We’ll Meet Again’ is to be dropped as it would break the rule of six. However, we at The Lampoon feel this great event is exactly what we need right now: to fight the virus we should come out together, bunch up, and shout, cheer and clap it away.

Valiant British holidaymakers scramble to return home from France in dinghies

The UK Government has announced that people arriving in the UK from 4am on Saturday will have to quarantine for 14 days. As such, thousands of tourists have been trying to get back from French soil before the deadline. This has lead to chaos at the air and seaports with the Eurotunnel telling people without a valid booking just to not turn up.

But as we all know, the plucky British spirit cannot be tamed that easily. What can only be described as a “flotilla of boats which would make Dunkirk look like child’s play” has set out from the shores of France to bring our boys home.

The tourists who make the treacherous journey have been reported paddling across on lilos and rubber rings, carrying not even their clothes (or sunscreen) on their reddened backs. Some only have six pints of Stella for nourishment on the long journey. Such is the sheer desperation of someone willing to risk their lives drinking, which is unfathomable to someone sitting back here safe in Britain. But we at The Lampoon all think that any moral person would feel the plight of those making such a treacherous journey, and in doing so missing the chance to buy 200 fags in duty-free.

A reporter for The Lampoon recently avoided killer dolphins to go and pester those making the crossing, in the name of journalism. One sea-born reveller said that he and the family were making the trip via pedalo as “I can’t spend a fortnight stuck at home with the old ball and chain, if we keep the pace up I could be skulling lager at Spoons by nightfall.”

In other goings-on, it can be reported that the Home Secretary herself has pledged she will swim out herself and drag any boats in trouble back home with her teeth. Meanwhile, the French have pledged that they have launched coast guard vessels to patrol the area, as “you can’t have a laissez-faire attitude when tourist money’s on the line.”

When asked if there were any topical parallels which could be drawn from this situation, neither the writer nor the editor could think of any. However, we both have utmost respect for those brave enough to make such a crossing and all those who would risk their lives in search of a better life than back home in their Croydon semi.

Eat Out to Help Out sees Spoons app orders of pots of PEAs increase 1000%

After the government’s introduction of the Eat Out to Help Out scheme, scores of highly original practical jokers have taken to ordering hundreds of unwanted items to people’s tables in Wetherspoons. One self-proclaimed ‘student comedian’ said to us “if it’s half the price, it’s double the fun.”

When the ‘Spoons game’ went viral over two years ago, it was regarded by many as the peak of British comedy. Who doesn’t say the ultimate practical joke on a night-out is when someone miles away pays for a small amount of food to be brought to your table, only for it to go uneaten and eventually be thrown away?

Now even the most tight-fisted jokers can join in on the action too, thanks to the new government scheme to get us all out our homes, and into places with cash registers. Now, a pot of peas will set you back just 32p and a glass of milk is only 35p, whereas the tables and pint pots are all free.

However, after the recent surge in useless orders, one member of staff is pleading for the prank to finally come to an end. She said that she once had to clear “so many peas from table 69 it weighed as much as a four stone child.” Our quantitative analyst at The Toon Lampoon estimates that not even the Green Giant himself could carry that.

However, Tim Martin, as ever, has other ideas, and has allegedly been spotted rolling around smushing peas and milk everywhere and making a “really big mess.” We’re not really sure why that would be, but he might be celebrating the literal tens of pounds he is making from all of this.

But what’s your opinion? Should these kings of comedy commemorated with a big old statue, just like Martin was a month back, or should they just be shot at dawn?

Castle Leazes “looks even more like a prison” after barbed wire and searchlights installed

Newcastle University plans to put barbed wire and searchlights around the student accommodation block in an effort to maintain social distancing. A University representative said it will “protect all of us from the dangers of Leazes students.”

The University is taking notes from a Cornish pub which recently installed an electric fence around its bar to protect staff against their thirsty punters. However, they decided against using a similar device in Leazes after a trial run, when a greatly confused rah tried to plug an electric kettle into it and was “blown half-way into Heaton.”

Plans to ban students from having “a sleepover” on another floor were dropped after being deemed “impractical” after research showed “it would be nigh on impossible to tame the raw sexual energy of Newcastle students, even in the light of COVID-19.” A University representative added “we still can’t have all these inmates, sorry, students, just running around the Toon. We can’t let them spread the ‘rona like they spread chlamydia.”

Other measures include 30ft high watchtowers manned by weather-beaten guards, who claim to have already seen it all (and we mean it all) from a similar one recently found in the Herschel Building. Guard dogs will also be deployed, and an eye testing station “fit for a castle” will also be installed. However, a plan to install landmines in Leazes Park was dropped due to safety concerns, not for the students, but for the cows.

When our reporter approached a Castle Leazes student to ask about their imminent incarceration, all they said was “It won’t affect me, that’s what daddy’s lawyers are for. When was the last time you heard of a rich kid going to prison?”

Beans on toast: a rah’s guide

Do you want a taste of fine dining like daddy buys you back home, but on a budget of 50p? Well, here at The Lampoon we’ve got you covered! We’ve searched far and wide, through deep jungles and crowded Tescos, to bring you this ancient recipe, adapted from a scrap of sacred parchment. Let’s get cooking!

For the first key component, I prefer only the finest dark notes of a full-bodied and double-roasted slice of toast. Often this effect can be achieved through your standard counter-top toaster. However, for the connoisseur, it should be roasted on a spatula held above a pocket lighter. Imagine you’re planning to jack up a gallon crumbs directly into your taste glands.

Then, you’ll need to open the tin: for the best results, do it like Jamie Oliver. First, make an insertion down the spine of the can, before cracking it in two like the neck of your first victim. This is done to separate the moist and subdued notes of the precious beans from the tasteless aluminium rind.

Now, like all the most delectable varieties of canned beans, the first two inches of the contents shall be just watery juice and nothing else. Some say this is due to companies wanting to save money, which is of course nonsense. In actuality, it is to make sure the beans arrive firm and perky. Ideally, they’ll stay as fresh as the day they were picked off the buds of the bean vines, down in the Heinz region of France.

This liquid, often referred as bean nectar, can be poured away down the sink or saved and added to instant coffee to make something which tastes better than instant coffee.

You can then add the beans to the toast hot or cold. Alternatively, serve them in a tumbler with two cubes of ice and a slice of lemon. Some may add a continental accoutrement by sprinkling a thin veil of cheese atop the dish. I prefer to snort a line of grated Parmesan before sitting down for my meal.

And there you have it: a meal to keep a rah going when he’s down to his last few thousand pounds.

Fight Night replaced with sword duel due to COVID-19

Sources have revealed that competitors in the well-known Newcastle boxing event will be forced to battle with swords because of the government’s social distancing guidelines.

A representative from the Students’ Union said that due to health and safety concerns, the bladed weapons will have to be at least four feet long. This is to “limit the transmission of the coronavirus from splatters of blood.”

He added that while a date had not been set for the event, ticket sales for the event are now open. It’s being billed as “24 fights, 12 matches, one ring and a dozen funerals! What a bargain!”

Jock Knapp, Lampoon sports correspondent, said: “You’ve always wanted blood, cheap trebs, but mainly blood, and now you’re in luck! Come on down to Venue and see a whole bunch of your fellow students literally get chopped to death, all in the name of entertainment!”

But, without further ado, let’s meet the fighters!

Lance “Daddy calls me Lancelot” Percy

Uni: Newcastle
Course: Agriculture
Weight: 12 st 6 lb
Height: 7′ 6″
Penis: “A bit of a let down”

Lance said to The Toon Lampoon “Well, yah, I first got to know my way around a weapon when I was in Stonyhurst College” and added that “Oh, wouldn’t it ever so nice to mame some commoners instead of a fox for a change?”

Phil “LARPing is no joke, right?” McAvety

Uni: Northumbria
Course: Computer Science
Weight: 14 st 9 lb
Height: 5′ 7″
Penis: “Never again”

Phil said to The Toon Lampoon “I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in HTML-based medieval combat” and he added that “I’ll jujutsu the shih tzu out of anyone who tries to come at me.”

Chad “I’m gonna K.O. the ‘rona” Chadwick

Uni: Newcastle
Course: Photography
Weight: 10 st
Height: 6′ 2″
Penis: “A cock so good it could be a stock image”

Chad said to The Toon Lampoon “these lot’ll be in a shock when they realise they’ve brought a sword to a gun fight. These two guns right here’ll finish ’em off.” He added that “I don’t believe in no weaponry, but I do believe in a good mask.”

Górdóné “I’ll make ’em into a sauté” Râmsy

Uni: École Polytechnique
Course: Culinary Arts Management
Weight: 82.5538 kg (he’s French)
Height: 177.8 cm (he’s French)
Penis: “Best served oiled till tender with a pinch of sildenafil”

Górdóné said to The Toon Lampoon “I’ll chop my oponent up so fien they’ll give me both a Michelin star and a belt” and he added that “my 1.2192 m (he’s French) knife can take a good beating.”

For all those who’re still reading this far down in the article, I’ll once again say you should get tickets as this Fight Night is the first time in years it will not be broadcast live by NUTV. This is because their incoming Station Manger, who The Toon Lampoon regards as a “right dickhead” want’s to abstain for the slaughter on moral grounds. What a wuss.

My landlord banned my cat, so I got a donkey

After a local landlord banned one Newcastle student from keeping a pet cat, Edna Murphy has opened a donkey sanctuary in her Heaton two-up-two-down. The animal lover says she will never part with her new companions despite calls that she’s acting like she was “born in a barn.”

Commenting on her new status as a proud donkey owner, Murphy noted, “They talk less than they do in the movies, though it is harder than you would think to get a bushel of hay in the local Londis.”

At first, when she was forced by her miserly landlord to hand over her kitty, she turned to the RSPCA. Her heartbreak quickly turned to horror when she was told that there was “no room in the inn” for her cat. In a desperate move to free up space in the shelter, she returned home on a donkey – like some ghastly nativity in reverse – and it has been with her ever since.

Commenting on whether she should be allowed to keep her new four-legged friends in a student flat, Murphy says her tenancy agreement bans cats and dogs, but says “nothing about asses.” She also points at an obscure Newcastle by-law from 1731 that permits “freedom for any beast with ears longer than the King’s member to graze on property where it’s owner resides.”

Her red-faced landlord has complained to the City Council, insisting the donkeys were a “public menace” and arguing that “since donkeys have twice the number of legs as humans and therefore produce twice the amount of wear and tear on the floors, they should each be paying me double the rent!” When The Lampoon consulted our in-house legal team they advised, between desperate gulps of straight whiskey out of the bottle, that “since donkeys are unable to hold a biro, it would be hard to force them to sign their chequebook.” Upon hearing this, we attempted to contact another independant legal expert not stuck in the ’80s, but they never responded to our fax.

As for the cat, the feline is thought to have been picked up by the lovely people from local cat café Mog on the Tyne who, after the success of a recent fundraiser, will be reopening. It is reported that upon hearing this news, the cat’s expression was “one of sheer indifference”, probably due to it being a cat.

Inspired by the cat café, Murphy is planning on turning her home into the world’s first “donkey den” which will offer a wide variety of experiences, such as “bevvies with the burros” or “Magners with the mules.” Unfortunately, our reporter did not have the balls to approach the landlord for a comment on Murphy’s plan, although we’re fairly certain the Student Unions’ resident Maoists have a few plans for him.

Newcastle Students’ Union loco about logos

The Students’ Union is considering redesigning its logo after a number of students complained the current one “looks like something you would make at the back of a GCSE Graphics lesson.” The bunch of little snobs, who claim “graphic design is not just our passion, it’s our lifeblood” have created a controversial petition calling for its removal, which has gained over five signatures. The leader of the group, who we will not name as we just don’t like the look of ’em, has shown The Lampoon a number of their own alternative designs, which we think are ‘going right up on the fridge’. Do you think their current logo looks outdated? Maybe your mind will be changed after you see the competition…

Design 1: “Internet Super-High-Whey-Aye”

The designer known as ‘$k8r Dud3zz’ originally created this template for her MySpace page, but says she dropped everything and wanted to help, when she set eyes on the logo currently used by NUSU. Ms ‘Dud3zz’ describes her ideas as a “techno sparkle from the space-year y2k20, which is still saying respek [sic] to the old-timey university vintage.” However, we at The Toon Lampoon do apologise if you have had to wait over 10 minutes for your modem to just load this.

Design 2: “The Art of Craft”

Al Coholic, who designed the branding, said “When I first heard about the need for a new label, I walked across high mountains, down rich valleys and through succulent fields, just to lick the luscious dew off our rich and hearty hops”. We at The Toon Lampoon are not really sure how this relates to the SU, but apparently, Mr Coholic says a pint of it costs £7.99, so we should probably give this one a miss.

Design 3: “Union.”

This minimalist design, comprised of just the letter “N” written in Helvetica typeface, was submitted by a well-known Swiss graphic design bureau, who were allegedly paid around £200,000 for their work. It is a bold statement said to “recognise the union bridges all students like the stroke between the two parallel signs of the letter, all while it still maintains good grammar by ending all sentences with a full stop.” For those of you who can’t speak Pretentious, we at The Toon Lampoon fully empathise with those who have run out of any good ideas.

Design 4: “NUSU 2012”

This bunch garish shapes and colours was submitted by designer Waldo Collins, who told a reporter from The Lampoon “I will never rest until everything looks like humanity’s greatest achievement, London 2012” he is then reported to have pulled down his trousers and given a sweet embrace a life-sized statuette of the London ‘Wenlock’ Mascot while shouting “Hear me, I am the Olympic man!!!”

Unsurprisingly, not everybody is pleased with the proposed change and a counter-petition has been set up in response to the calls for a new logo. The petition states that it would be “removing history” to change something which has been in use since 2011, and that “most those kids complaining probably weren’t even born then.” 

To have your say on the change of logo the SU is going to hold a referendum campus-wide poll on whether their logo should be replaced with one of these designs or be amended with a plaque explaining its lack of artistic merit.