Liz Truss declares war on Ukraine

Following a series of intense negotiations with Russian diplomats, Foreign Secretary Liz Truss officially declared war on Ukraine.

Speaking to The Toon Lampoon’s Meme Correspondent, Liz Truss explained her motivations for what many in the Foreign Office have described as, “Wait, Jesus Christ, what?”

“It has become clear, after a frank exchange of views with my Russian counterpart, that Vladimir Putin is thoroughly in the right on this issue,” Truss stated. “The Ukraine is currently in possession of Ukrainian territory, in open defiance of the wishes of Russia. This is a disgrace.”

“By defending Russian interests, not only will we deepen the ties of friendship between our countries, but we might also not need to give back the £2.3 million that they donated to the Conservative Party.”

The Foreign Secretary’s announcement has been hailed as a triumph by different sectors of the British political scene. The Prime Minister today acknowledged the “sterling work” that Liz Truss had done in distracting everyone from the topic of Christmas parties. Meanwhile, Nadine Dorries, glassy-eyed and tottering, explained how Ukraine had only existed for ten years, to what would later turn out to be a marble bust of Disraeli.

The left-wing Stop The War Coalition also applauded the Foreign Secretary’s actions, with a spokesman describing the move as “a much-needed rebuke to the international terrorist organisation known as NATO” before his mother called him in to finish his GCSE coursework.

Featured image: Flickr

Cancer patient bravely speaks out against “institutionalised smokeshaming”

Lindsey Croaker (35) today told The Toon Lampoon that the UK’s anti-smoking culture has made hospital visits a tremendous emotional strain.

“I go in to see how the tumour on my lungs is responding to the treatment,” Lindsey told our reporter, “and the first thing that the doctor asks me is how many cigarettes I’ve smoked that day.”

“That sort of narrow-minded interrogation leaves me emotionally weakened, extremely depressed, even short of breath. I can’t imagine them ever asking that question to a non-smoking patient.”

Lindsey is a part of a both growing and shrinking (depending on chemotherapy effectiveness) group of individuals who believe that lung-nicotine content is no indication of a person’s health.

“The Healthy At Every Respiratory Stage organisation is committed to ensuring that smokers around the world are not made to feel embarrassed or ashamed of their body’s perfectly natural tendencies to grow cancerous tumours in their lung tissue,” explained the movement’s founder, Nicola O’Teen. “We see these incredibly harmful stereotypes being perpetuated of women walking, singing, taking in huge breaths of air, and we felt that we had to correct the record.”

The HAERS’s aims include replacing the current warning on cigarette packets with “Real Women Smoke”, creating a safe space within hospitals where smokers don’t need to feel threatened by statistics or X-rays, and renaming the existing four stages of cancer to “Real Woman”, ”Brave and Beautiful”, ”So Inspiring”, and ”Goddess”.

“I dream of a day when people will recognise that we smokers are just as healthy as them, and far healthier than those virtue-signalling preachers who inhale nothing but oxygen,” O’Teen concluded, from the Palliative Care Unit in the Royal Victoria Infirmary.

Featured image: Wikimedia Commons

Fabian Hamilton spends rest of PMQs sat cross-legged after Johnson photo question

Following his question to the Prime Minister about the newly-released photograph of Boris Johnson apparently attending a Christmas party, Fabian Hamilton allegedly crossed one leg over the other and spent the remainder of Prime Minister’s Questions quietly trying not to attract anyone’s attention.

“I mean…it’s understandable,” said Keir Starmer, when questioned about the Labour MP’s behaviour. “If I’d had the chance of the drop that sort of bomb on the Prime Minister, I’d have drilled a hole through the despatch box.”

Hamilton himself assured The Toon Lampoon that any sign of physical arousal was purely related to slinging yet more evidence of the Prime Minister’s duplicity onto the towering pile, rather than anything sordid.

“Does it make me feel… well, grubby, knowing that, most likely, Dominic Cummings had a hand… metaphorically speaking… in my erection?” the Labour MP for Leeds North East wondered aloud. “I tried very much not to think about that, but the source of political dynamite is not a choice, after all. For my part, I simply did my best to focus on the Prime Minister.”

“It still felt dirty, but I can at least live with myself.”

Following the end of Prime Minister’s Questions, Hamilton was able to bring an end to his embarrassing condition after two seconds of looking at Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries.

“Fortunately, she didn’t notice that I was gazing at her,” Hamilton assured The Lampoon. “Then again, at this time of the day, she’s probably seeing in pure double vision.”

Featured image: Wikimedia Commons

Boris Johnson told to await visits from 147,857 spirits

Sources indicate that Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been warned to await a visit from 147,857 spirits on the night before Christmas.

“We are to understand that the Prime Minister received advance warning of these visitations from the ghost of Margaret Thatcher, who appeared in Boris Johnson’s redecorated residence to deliver a warning,” a civil service source told The Lampoon.

“Unfortunately, the old girl was pretty fucking ravaged by dementia, so the message got a bit lost in translation. She kept calling the Prime Minister ’Denis’, cried a bit when she didn’t recognise her former home: it was a shocking display all round.”

Thankfully, the Ghost of Privatisation Past managed to relay the important message to the Prime Minister: that he should expect to be visited by the 147,857 spirits of those his Government allowed to perish of Covid.

“Of course, the Prime Minister was very firm on the fact that this would not be a party,” our source was keen to state. “No: this is more of an opportunity for a bleary-eyed and barely-present Boris Johnson to be told quite how badly he’s fucked up by grey and insubstantial critics.”

“Thankfully, Mr Johnson’s ample experience of Prime Minister’s Questions has made him well-equipped for the ordeal.”

Early reports indicate that the Prime Minister means to deliver a statement prior to the visitation, urging the 147,857 spirits to visit the former Labour government instead.

Featured image: Number Ten on Flickr

Years of never being invited to parties finally pays off for Dominic Cummings

Former SPAD, moderate eugenicist, and hideous gremlin Dominic Cummings today told The Lampoon that he’s grateful to have never been invited to parties by Johnson’s government.

“It’s a real relief now, let tell you,” the gargoyle-visaged campaigner stated, in an interview with The Lampoon’s society and plague pits reporter. “I mean, now that all of these pictures are getting leaked by some unknown figure with a grudge against the Government and, probably, a very large penis.”

“Of course, it was originally very distressing: I wept so much that my eyes actually became affected; I was actually forced to test that they were still able to work correctly by… well, never mind that now.”

Significant anger has been levelled at the Conservative Party, which, it has been alleged, held as many as seven Christmas functions in 2020, while the people of Great Britain were forced to remain in lockdown. Though, as a spokesman for the Conservatives has pointed out, these measures protected the people of Great Britain from having to pair up with Priti Patel for Seven Minutes in Heaven.

The defending victor of the annual John Christie Lookalike Contest assured The Lampoon that clear evidence of these parties exist, “including photographs of Michael Gove making a cocaine angel, and Jacob Rees-Mogg being shown the error of his ways by the Ghost of Christmas Present.”

The Government has issued a statement regarding members of the public who were unable to be with their loved ones during their final moments, with a spokesperson assuring The Lampoon that Conservative MPs would have loved nothing more than to be there to watch their family members die.

Featured image: Flickr

2021 Conservative Christmas party to be held at your mum’s house, you whiny fuck

Following the widespread public outrage over the developing story of the Government’s string of Christmas parties, the Johnson administration has announced that they intend to hold their 2021 Christmas events at your mum’s house, if you’re so keen to have a fucking party.

Earlier today, Boris Johnson revealed that the Cabinet, a number of Conservative MPs, and any aides that look like they won’t go running to the press will arrive at your mum’s house during the run-up to Christmas and make merry.

“We have heard the outrage and hullabaloo regarding both last year’s lockdown and the number of events that may or may not have taken place,” the Prime Minister stated. “In order to address both of these issues, we have determined that the best course of action is to rock up at your mum’s place and slam our faces into cocaine until Liz Truss starts to look worth the effort.”

While the Government has claimed not to have a schedule of events in mind for this function, Downing Street insiders have stated off the record that plans exist for traditional Tory Party games of Burning Money in Front of a Homeless Person, Covid Contract Bingo, and Stick the Knife in the Prime Minister.

Plans for a professional photographer to be in attendance remain unconfirmed.

Featured image: Flickr

“No herding instincts, just herding owners,” claims Border Collie advocacy group

An organisation advocating for the improved perception of Border Collies has claimed that herding is a learned behaviour rather than the product of breeding.

Tom Crisp, speaking on behalf of the Border Collie Appreciation Society, told The Lampoon “Border Collies have always had a bad press, partly due to their portrayal in pop culture, and partly due to people never wanting to give them a chance.”

“What people need to understand is that the herding incidents that are reported are due to the owners who encourage herding behaviour in their dogs, not because specific breeds of dogs are necessarily predisposed to herd.”

“These figures are completely bogus,” Crisp assured The Lampoon. “All too often, these so-called ‘statistics’ are collected by non-expert interest groups with a vested interest in demonising Border Collies as an entire breed. We see this all the time, particularly in the aftermath of another dog, or a kitten, or a small child being viciously herded.“

“The fact is, there are many Border Collies who go their entire lives without suddenly snapping and committing an act of savage herding, for all the horror stories we are inundated with of these dogs, completely unprovoked, herding an innocent bystander without mercy.”

Featured image: Wikimedia Commons

Kyrsten Sinema announces that she’s not like those other Democrat Senators

Speaking on the steps of Capitol Hill, Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema told the press that she wasn’t like those other Democrat Senators, “who are, like, so obsessed with passing legislation that helps lift and keep people out of poverty.”

The Senator went on to claim that she was the kind of Democrat Senator who would carry a Lululemon bag, bring cake for senate staffers, vote against a minimum wage increase to $15 per hour, and be bisexual.

“I mean,” she told The Lampoon’s reporter, “how random am I? I’m so much more chill than all the other Dems: they’re always going on about abortion, combating domestic terrorism, and making sure that lower-income families don’t starve. Total snoozeville, right?”

“Meanwhile, I’m just here, taking corporate money to obstruct my colleagues’ progressive agenda. I mean, I’m just so fucking random!”

Sinema has faced criticism from both sides of the aisle, with Democrats lambasting her apparent abandonment of the very values that saw her elected, and Republicans professing a general disgust for her not being heterosexual.

“They just hate me because they wish they could be like me,” Sinema assured our correspondent. “Like, AOC wishes she could take corporate money and screw over the working classes, and Lindsey Graham wishes he could score some pole whenever he wanted. They’re just jealous.”

Democrats on Capitol Hill have suggested that, if the Arizona Senator does not begin cooperating with them to pass progressive legislation, then they shall have no alternative but to simply stop trying and hope that shit works out somewhere down the road.

Featured image: Flickr

New Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries proudly shows off new Petri dish

Nadine Dorries told journalists this evening that she was “extremely excited” to get to work as the new Culture Secretary, showing the press pack her new Petri dish, microscope, and lab coat.

Dorries confirmed that she wouldn’t be bringing goggles or gloves with her, on the basis that that was the sort of lefty health and safety nonsense that this country could do without.

In addition to Nadine Dorries’ new position, Liz Truss has also moved into the role of Foreign Secretary, in what has been heralded as the latest move in the Government’s war on satire, as well as proof of their commitment to diversity when it comes to women and people living with pronounced mental illness.

“As Culture Secretary, I’m going to do everything I can to foster microorganism growth in conditions best suited to it,” Dorries added. “That is my responsibility, and that’s what I plan to do.”

Dorries’ commitment to fostering the growth of tissue has been well-documented, as she introduced several unsuccessful Private Member’s Bills to reduce the time limit for abortions in the UK.

A spokesperson for Downing Street claimed that the Prime Minister had “complete faith” in Dorries as she moved to start her new position.

“Nadine has consistently demonstrated outstanding judgement,” the spokesperson told The Toon Lampoon. “From appearing on I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here to employing her daughters and sister for up to £45,000 a year, she has been beyond reproach.”

“We look forward to her excellent leadership when it comes to bringing about a new Golden Age of British culture, featuring Sid James, Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown, and her own shit novels.”

Featured image: Wikimedia

Faroese 1429, dolphins 0, in humiliating defeat

Sports and hunting analysts alike have agreed that the population of dolphins around the Faroe Islands put in a truly lacklustre performance in what would prove to be the largest single hunt of cetaceans in history.

“It’s got to be embarrassing for them,” said conservationist Tom Harpoon, surveying the bloody aftermath. “They’re supposed to have near-human intelligence, but you could have fooled me.”

Following a night where 1429 dolphins were herded into shallow waters, stabbed to death with knives, then distributed to the local people for consumption, various animal rights groups and the broader international community have spoken out regarding the dolphin population’s need to get its head in the game.

“The main problem, as far as I see it, is that the dolphins weren’t incentivised,” said Michael Grayson, sports analyst. “Motivation counts for everything in this game, and the dolphins’ motivation to go on living clearly wasn’t of the same intensity as the Faroese’s desire to butcher over a thousand dolphins until the sea literally ran red.”

Jennifer Morgan, CEO of Greenpeace International, released a statement to journalists earlier today:

“Everyone loves a good underdog story. But the thing is, it’s difficult to care when that underdog puts in a shameful performance like we’ve seen here. I mean, dolphins are cute, but you know what I’m really invested in? Winners.”

The flawless victory of man over dolphin has been heralded by various environmental bodies as proof of how ultimately unstoppable humanity is.

“We’ve got it in us to go all the way,” said UN President Abdulla Shahid. “Faroe absolutely fucked those dolphins, and we’ve got the Amur leopard and the Black rhinoceros on the ropes. We’re the goddamn champions of the world.”

Shortly after the results came in, Greta Thunberg took to Twitter to say that even she found it hard not to view the dolphin population with scorn, disgust, and hunger.

Featured image: Walter Baxter on Geograph