Chancellor of the Exchequer ”just needs a little help to make it through the month, man”

At a press conference today, Rishi Sunak told journalists that he’s in a real tight spot, and that he wouldn’t ask the nation for money if things weren’t so serious.

The press conference followed the negative reaction to the announced rise in national insurance from the general public, economists, and Sunak’s own party.

“I thought we were cool, man,” the Chancellor said. “I didn’t think money was this big thing between us. Shit, fam: it feels like I misread our whole dynamic.”

Sunak went on to remind the general public about how chill he’d been about slipping them the furlough pay during the COVID-19 pandemic, without making a big deal about it or anything.

“That’s the kind of guy I am, man. I see a motherfucker in need, that motherfucker’s getting that paper. Guess not everyone out there’s as real as I am.”

This press conference follows a statement from the Treasury, condemning those phoneys who are always there for the good times but who walk out on you when things get tough.

“It’s times like this that you find out who your real mates are,” the Chancellor concluded. “There’s a shadowy network of donors out there who hand over hundreds of thousands without asking me for anything in any way that could be proved legally. That’s real friendship.”

“I don’t need people giving me shit about raising income taxes when it’s what I have to do to get by.”

The Government has signalled that it supports Sunak, with sources claiming admiration for how he has dealt with the negative reaction from “those fake-ass taxpayers.”

Featured image: Flickr

Dead gran “happy to help” unattractive grandson receive sympathy handjob

Doris Smike (82, deceased) has confirmed that she’s “perfectly fine” for her grandson, Gary Smike (23) to repetitively post memorials to her on social media in the hopes that one of his Facebook friends will offer to pleasure him out of pity.

“He’s such a lovely boy,” Doris told The Toon Lampoon’s High Priest, her sepulchral tones emanating from a faint column of light. “He’s just never had much luck with the girls, poor thing. I’m really grateful that I can lend a hand.”

Gary Smike has, at the last count, posted 67 Facebook posts dedicated to his grandmother’s memory since her passing last Friday. The content varies from post to post, ranging from aphorisms about the afterlife, to inaccurate memories of time that he spent with his grandma, to pictures of Doris sent via WhatsApp from his grieving mother.

“Results have been varied,” Smike told our reporter. “A lot of people have offered their sympathies and emotional support, which is always easy in this situation. There have been some successes, though: two days ago, a photograph of Gran holding me when I’d just been born opened the door to me receiving a below-average blowjob.”

“I had to pretend to cry a bit in person, just to close the deal, but I knew that it was on the cards when the mark commented on the post to ask if there was anything she could do.”

Doris assured The Lampoon that she couldn’t be more thrilled, watching from behind the insubstantial curtain concealing eternity from the mortal plane, to see her grandson receiving ungainly fellatio.

“He’s really put the work in,” Doris said, “and it was wonderful to watch him reap the rewards. I can honestly say, I’ve never been closer to my little Gary.”

Featured image: Flickr

Labour confirms that Starmer’s appetites cannot be sated by the death of a single alpaca

In an interview with The Toon Lampoon, a spokesperson for the Labour Party today admitted that Keir Starmer’s bloodlust, now roused, will not be satisfied until at least six alpacas have been slaughtered.

“The Leader of the Labour Party’s position is clear,” the spokesperson told our reporters. “He is tough on alpacas, and tough on the causes of alpacas. That is, other alpacas.”

“One has been delivered: five more must be selected.”

Starmer’s anti-alpaca agenda recently came under scrutiny in August, where he publicly backed the Government’s decision to euthanise Geronimo, an alpaca suffering from bovine tuberculosis.

Now, it seems, the Labour Party leader is pushing for a more aggressive stance on alpacas, signalled in a Tweet yesterday evening that read: “ALL MUST SUBMIT. ALL MUST BE CONSUMED. I WILL FEAST.”

“Keir Starmer is a practical politician for this age,” the spokesperson clarified. “His desire to limit the possibility of bovine TB in this country is at odds with the laissez-faire attitude of the Prime Minister, whose wishy-washy attitude towards COVID-19 has caused irreparable damage to the nation.”

“The fact that he attempted on multiple occasions to break into Geronimo’s enclosure, bared to his ankles with a knife between his teeth, is simply an indication of how seriously Mr Starmer takes this biological threat.”

The Toon Lampoon was unable to secure an interview with Keir Starmer, who is reportedly under heavy sedation and under 24-hour guard.

“We’ve tried lowering llamas down there to see if that does anything,” the spokesperson commented. “But, unfortunately, he knows the difference. Somehow, in the depths of his mania, he knows.”

Featured image: Wikimedia Commons

Man with “Only God Can Judge Me“ tattoo released on mistrial

In what has been described as a “landmark ruling” by Newcastle’s Crown Court, an individual accused of three counts of grievous bodily harm today walked free. This followed the decision that the sitting circuit judge was unqualified to declare him either guilty or innocent.

The legal team representing Darren Smike, 34, successfully argued that, unless His Honour Judge Swing could prove beyond all reasonable doubt that he was, in fact, the Judeo-Christian God, the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, who will give to the thirsty from the fountain of the water of life without payment, then the case would have to be thrown out.

“This is a triumph of hard evidence over emotional obstinacy,” Mr Smike’s barrister told The Lampoon’s lynching and horsewhipping correspondent. “As my client’s tattoo makes quite plain, any mere mortal, be they a circuit judge, a High Court Judge, or even the Lord Chief Justice himself, is lamentably underqualified to objectively try this case.”

The latest reports from the Crown Court indicate that efforts are being made to contact and commune with the Lord God Almighty. These efforts have allegedly been hampered by the strong possibility that He does not, in any real sense, exist.

“Smike’s tattoo is something of a watertight argument,” one clerk told our reporter. “However, we are doing everything that we can to ensure he does face a real trial, presided over by the one authority that he, by his tattoo’s own admission, must bow to.”

“So far, we’ve sent clerks to various places of worship, with several others going on more ambitious pilgrimages to different holy sites. We’ve also encouraged a couple to start debilitating drug and alcohol habits, because there’s no-one so good at finding God as the ones who’ve fucked everything else up.”

The Judeo-Christian God has had a long career in dispensing judgement upon people all over the world. Notable cases include Job vs. Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, Cain vs. Abel, and Almost Every Person and Animal on the Planet vs. God. One legal scholar opined that they would welcome the opportunity to see Him in action, and was equally eager to see what his eventual plan for “that whole Africa thing” would be.

Featured image: Pixabay

WWE “looking forward” to Taliban-hosted PPV

Following the taking of Kabul by Taliban forces, a spokesperson for WWE has stated that the sports entertainment company “is extremely keen” to work with the Taliban to host an Afghanistan-based wrestling show.

“It really is exciting,” the spokesperson told reporters. “Naturally, this regime change opens up a great many opportunities for our company. We’re eager to collaborate with the current rulers of Afghanistan to bring our pulse-pounding brand of excitement and physicality to this region.”

WWE are no strangers to their controversial wrestling shows. Over the past several years, the company’s talent have performed live in Saudi Arabia. This required completely disregarding criticisms over the nation’s treatment of women, the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, and booking Goldberg to take the Universal Championship from The Fiend.

“We have, of course, taken the feedback from our fans into account,” WWE’s spokesperson told The Toon Lampoon. “But we also hold ourselves to the view that we will do whatever it takes to make money- I mean, entertain people all across the world.”

“American women in burkhas? Absolutely. Leaving our Jewish talent at home? Not a problem. Recognising a regime condemned by a large bloc of western nations? Fuck you: pay me.”

A spokesperson for the Taliban has told The Toon Lampoon that they take “a generally dim view” of oiled-up, muscular men getting handsy with each other in front of a paying audience. However, the spokesperson indicated that they could be convinced that the event conforms to Sharia law as long as WWE keeps the belt on Roman Reigns until WrestleMania.

Featured image: Flickr

Toon Lampoon sued for psychological distress after nude calendar shoot

A civil suit has been leveraged against The Toon Lampoon, following charges of gross distress and psychological trauma in the aftermath of a nude calendar shoot.

The family of Phil Tompkins, a local photographer, announced the lawsuit after Tompkins’s loss of sanity following the studio session.

Speaking to a gathering of reporters and a representative from The Lampoon, the Tompkins family’s legal counsel claimed that the damage visited upon the plaintiff “goes beyond what mere nudity should be able to accomplish”.

“Of course, the idea of a nude photo shoot of The Toon Lampoon – satire at its most grotesque, one could say – already conjures a host of nightmarish images that would cause any sane mind to warp itself out of sheer self-preservation,” the Tompkins’ lawyer told our reporter (‘Mr February’).

“But nudity of such a form that it turned our photographer’s eyes to bleed black as his psyche fled to another realm: the stripping bare of bodies that defy both Euclidean geometry and the basis of morality and spiritual wellbeing as we know it… well, we’re looking for compensation.”

Phil Tompkins’s physical form spread in a millimetre-thick paste over the walls, floor, and ceiling of The Lampoon offices in the aftermath of the session. He has yet to make a statement, other than to whisper in harsh, metallic tones words that correspond neither to known linguistic theory nor our current understanding of vocal cords.

The Lampoon has announced its intention in this very paragraph to fight most strenuously against these allegations once they’ve talked their lawyer down off the edge of the roof. Once their innocence is proven, they intend to counter-sue Paul Tompkins for what they have described as “a deplorable act of body shaming”.

The Toon Lampoon Naked Calendar will go on sale later this year, with all profits going towards future lawsuits.

Featured image: Pixabay

DWP defends “Deathmatches For Benefits” policy

A spokesperson for the Department of Work and Pensions today addressed criticisms of their recent “fights for dole” scheme.

The policy was described as “a bold policy for a post-Brexit nation” by the Government and “an example of the evil achievable by the uncaring and the apathetic” by everyone else. The scheme would only allow unemployment benefits for individuals who have triumphed in at least three deathmatches in a calendar month.

“What people fail to realise is that so many marketable qualities can only be acquired in the depths of a fight to the death,” a DWP spokesperson told The Lampoon.

“Skills such as determination, ambition, the ability to put together a PowerPoint presentation: where better to find them than in the sweaty, choking embrace of your fellow jobseeker?”

Under the current guidance, anyone seeking to claim benefits would be required to hand over the prescribed three skulls to their local DWP Warlord.

The spokesperson did allow that further tribute may be needed in the event that any of the victims had been undernourished or physically incapable of either seeking work or defending themselves.

“We’re well aware that this policy is not what you might call popular,” the spokesperson concluded. “But between the system letting you starve slowly, like a forgotten animal, and going out in the eternal glory of gladiatorial combat, how would you prefer that the DWP killed you?”

Featured image: Wikimedia Commons

Opinion: fuck it, you’ve done enough to stop climate change

What’s that? Just going to sit back and put your feet up for a little while? Sure. That’s fine.

I mean, look at all you’ve done to stop the nigh-inevitable destruction of the human race due to man-made climate change.

Look at that recycling bin. Go on, look at it. You did that. That’s your contribution.

Oh, sure, the council gave you the bin, and they’re the ones that empty it, but it doesn’t work without you. You’re the one who drags it out to the curb every other week, apart from when you forget. You even put recyclable stuff in there, when you can be bothered.

Yeah. No-one can take that away from you.

Is that a burger? Man, absolutely. Treat yourself. You’ve earned it. Think of all the meat-free Mondays that you’ve taken part in. You ate a middling vegetarian chilli for dinner this week. And maybe you had a chicken salad sandwich for lunch but, as you so eloquently argued, that meat was already bought and paid for.

I mean, what were you going to do? Just throw it away? You don’t have a compost bin, and God knows the damage that binning that chicken salad club would have done to the environment. This way, you get some use out of it, and it gets recycled naturally.

Apart from the packaging, but you’re right: it was raining outside last night, and you’d have got soaked if you’d leaned out of the kitchen door to throw it in the bin.

On an unrelated note, I see that wall of photographs of BP higher-ups is still pretty free from red crosses and newspaper cuttings.

Oh, I’m sure it’s difficult to get into position. After all, the scope on that rifle only offers you 18X magnification. You’d have to be in the same city to get the job done: it’s a lot of risk.

And you’re right: they do have families. Imagine the oily tears running down their children’s faces when they saw Daddy’s head explode into a red mist on the news. You couldn’t live with yourself if you did that.

No: someone else will get around to it. They’re killing the planet, after all, drip by black drip. Surely someone is going to do the decent thing.

No, you sit back and rest. It’s nice and warm in here, after all. Getting warmer, too.

You’ve done enough.

Featured image: Pxfuel

NRA hits back against alleged smear campaign by “stupid goddamn dead kids”

The National Rifle Association has today announced its intention to pursue a defamation case against any and all children who have fatally shot themselves while playing with a parent’s firearm.

Oliver North, President of the NRA and high treason enthusiast, has said that the organisation “is sick and tired of being made to look like unsympathetic villains every time some dumbass fuckin’ three-year-old sticks a Beretta in their mouth and gives the wall a new paint job.”

North claims that the mountain of tiny, bleeding bodies has been unfairly politicised and used as a method to repeatedly attack the NRA.

“There’s no way to defend against it,” North told our journalist. “People see one, two, a hundred toddlers lying in a pool of blood, and it’s like that’s some slam-dunk argument, and suddenly you’re the bad guy for even trying to make it a discussion.”

The NRA has stated that it intends to seek legal damages from the parents of the deceased children, claiming that the sheer number of accidental juvenile gunshot deaths “is way too high to be anything but a publicity stunt, intended to discredit our fine organisation.”

The pro-gun body will also be embarking on an aggressive advertising campaign against the deceased infants and their families.

“We think it’s time to hit back,” North told The Lampoon. “Obviously, you’d have to be pretty goddamn stupid to accidentally put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger, so that’s our line of attack. We’re going to make everyone realise how dumb these dead kids were.”

“We’re trialling several new slogans, like, ‘You should be sucking on a pacifier, not on a pistol”, “School would have been wasted on you if you’d lived long enough to attend”, and “What kind of stupid fucking baby doesn’t know how to use a gun?”

Featured image: Flickr

NAMBLA “didn’t realise it was freaking everyone out quite so much”

A spokesperson for the North American Man/Boy Love Association has said that the organisation “had no idea that everyone was going to so completely lose their shit over what we were doing.”

“If people were really so uncomfortable with what our organisation represents and fights for, they should have just said,” the spokesperson told The Lampoon’s oldest and least sexually appealing writer.

“I guarantee you, the last thing we want is to be anywhere it feels like we don’t fit in.”

The North American Man/Boy Love Association has been under heavy criticism since its creation. Since then, it has campaigned for the abolition of the age of consent and for parents not to be so goddamn vigilant when they’re with their kids at the park.

Most recently, the organisation made headlines following their alleged attempts to ensnare Matt Hancock and Rishi Sunak. The organisation were reportedly under the impression that the pair were twelve-year-old boys playing truant from school.

Now, NAMBLA claims that it’s thinking about its next steps.

“We’ve got a lot of reflection to do,” the spokesperson admitted. “The reaction from the general public has been very disappointing, but I really think we’d be fools to ignore it.”

“I mean, if that’s really how you all feel, of course we’ll stop.”

Featured image: Pxfuel