Newcastle and Northumbria Uni’s Rivalry continues as both try to outdo one another with COVID cases

The competitive spirit between the two universities is, ironically, alive and well.

Newcastle’s two universities, Newcastle University and Northumbria University, have been engaged in a tense competition lately to see which university can crown themselves the king of COVID.

After the shocking announcement earlier this month that Northumbria Uni had seen a spike of over 700 cases, Newcastle Uni, not wanting to be seen as second best, announced over 1000 new cases just days later.

A spokesperson for Newcastle City Council had the following to say, ‘in these dark times, it’s refreshing and uplifting to see the good-spirited rivalry between our two universities live on and adapt through these difficult times. As a Newcastle University alumni, it’s hard for me to not be biased, I can only hope the red brick continues to excel.’

Numerous charities have expressed their interest in sponsoring and legitimising the contest, with a respiratory illness charity saying it would like to donate ventilators to the winning university.

Sunderland volunteers parachuted in to help finish US ballot count

Several key states in the US have yet to complete ballot counts, leading Sunderland – which prides itself on speedy counting – to offer a hand.

Nevada, one of the key battlegrounds of the election, has announced counting will stop until Thursday, while Georgia, North Carolina and Pennsylvania may not have clear results for days.

This has lead to frustration amongst those monitoring the election, not least of all our very own political editor, who we understand is currently only surviving on black coffee and Ritalin.

Luckily, the city of Sunderland has offered to lend the services of thousands of volunteers to help complete the counts in these key states.

For the past 27 years, the city has prided itself on its ability to deliver its election results first. This will hopefully speed up things by quite a way, so we can finally see a winner announced and get on with the important things, such as the vote recount for Chair of Scrutiny.

Student buys Newcastle University jumper to impress none of their friends

A Newcastle student has reportedly invested in a Newcastle University branded jumper, in the hopes of making everyone around him extremely jealous.

The plan did not go as intended, however, as most of his peers simply looked on in confusion and abject apathy.

“He walked in to the room with a smug expression; brandishing a new jumper. He had a look on his face as if to say ‘well, what do you guys think?’ but I really had no idea what the deal was.” One of the student’s friends informed us.

“I think he was trying to show off that he goes to Newcastle University? But none of us really care to be honest.” Another bemused peer told us.

“When my son came home for Easter, I saw his new jumper. I was honestly embarrassed to be seen with him.” The student’s mother added.

According to NUSU, sales of Newcastle University branded items have shot up in recent years, with false hopes of impressing people seemingly being the main cause.

However, according to an opinion poll, the public really could not care less about what university people go to, with 98.7% responding with “who gives a flying f**k.”

Newcastle University Young Liberals celebrate 10th anniversary by welcoming 2nd member

Newcastle University’s Liberal Democrat society, known as the ‘Young Liberals’, has today announced the registering of its 2nd member. This comes just days after the society celebrated its 10th anniversary.

“We at the Young Liberals are excited to welcome on board our second ever member!.” The club’s president announced. “We’ve been a mainstay at this university for 10 years now, and we are truly excited to see what the next 10 years brings. Who knows, by 2030 we might even have another member!”

The society was founded in order to forward the groups goals of ‘not getting much done’, ‘sucking up to Tories’ and ‘lying about student loan cuts.’ All 3 of which they have succeeded at with flying colours.

The Toon Lampoon was able to contact the society’s latest member for comment. “Wait, they’re a political society? I was just approached by a guy on Facebook and felt kinda bad for him, I didn’t realise it was an actual group. This is extremely awkward.”

Courier website crashes after more than 4 users try to access it at once

The website for Newcastle University’s second favourite student-run paper went down on Saturday afternoon, after facing an unprecedented amount of server traffic.

Admins scrambled to fix the problem, but by the time the website was up and running again, the peak had passed.

We spoke to one of the server administrators about the cause of the crash, as well as what measures they have taken to ensure it does not happen again. “At around lunchtime on Saturday, July 4th, we received an alert that one of our websites was at peak capacity. When we checked the logs, we saw that a record 5 people were trying to access the website at the same time, far above the usual rate. By the time we realised there was an issue, the website had already been down for around an hour. We have increased capacity size, so that now as many as 10 people can view the site simultaneously. We’re not too worried about that limit ever being reached.”

For now, the website seems to be mostly working as intended, though there seems to be a slight factual error as it is calling itself ‘Newcastle’s favourite student paper.’ Someone should look in to that.




Theatre students despair at lack of shows to self-promote

The number of performing arts students self-reporting depressive thoughts at Newcastle has risen by 316%, according to a recent survey. There is plenty of speculation as to the cause, but the most popular theory points to the lack of any new shows in the wake of lockdown.

Dr. E. Dipus, professor of psychology at Newcastle University, claims that without any new shows to promote, theatre students lack the sort of outlet they are used to. “It’s simply a case of these students no longer being able to incessantly promote their shows to uninterested parties.” says Dr. Dipus, “we expect to see a fall in these numbers once things start to come back to some sort of normality.”

Under normal circumstances, theatre students are free to share and promote their upcoming shows as much as they want. Be it through dozens of Facebook posts every day, never shutting up about in group chats, or approaching people in person who say they’ll attend when they really have no intention in doing so.

We spoke to one theatre student who simply told us, “How do I show people I’m special if I can’t constantly talk about my upcoming show?” Another, non-theatre student simply said, “Thank god.”

Given the constant relaxation of lockdown rules, we are expecting to see the return of theatre sometime soon. The Toon Lampoon advises you to quickly turn off notifications from anyone you suspect may be in to the performing arts.

Noah’s Food Corner: Simple yet delicious beef stew

Who said simple can’t be elegant? This simple yet tasty beef stew will wow dinner guests and please the family without breaking the bank or your will to cook!

You will need:

  • 4 garlic cloves, crushed
  • 1 large onion, diced
  • 4 carrots, diced
  • 2 sticks of celery, diced
  • 1 tbsp truffle oil
  • one whole Wagyu cow, butchered
  • 24 karat gold shavings
  • 1 horn of a White Rhino
  • 2 cups of saffron
  • the fang of a Siberian tiger
  • 8 cups Himalayan spring water
  • salt and pepper to taste


  1. First you will need to prepare the stock. Chop your carrots, onions and celery in to small pieces and fry in the truffle oil until softened around 8 minutes, add the garlic and fry for a further minute. Next, simply butcher your Wagyu cow, separating all 60 cuts of meat from the bones. Pour the Himalayan spring water over the vegetables and add the cow bones. Bring to a simmer. Let the stock simmer for around 16 hours, remembering to constantly stir and to skim any scum that forms on the top.
  2. After your stock is prepared, fry the Wagyu meat in the remaining truffle oil, until every piece is a perfect medium rare. You should be able to sear all the meat at once if you use a simple 20-hob industrial stove. Once medium rare, add the meat to the stock and season with the saffron.
  3. Reduce the stew about halfway, this should take around 4 hours, though may vary.
  4. To serve, ladle the stew in to warm bowls, grating over the Rhino horn and Tiger fang to taste. Season with salt and pepper and the gold flakes. Dinner is served!

Like this recipe? Please let me know if you tried making it yourself!

We will be back next week with another tasty recipe!


Newcastle pub unveils £40 million ICU wing ahead of reopening

A popular pub in the centre of Newcastle has said it will not be opening on the 4th July, despite new regulations, as it is putting the finishing touches on a state-of-the-art intensive care unit within its premises.

The pub, which for legal reasons cannot be named, revealed it had invested over £40 million on the project, which it called a “necessary measure to ensure the safety of our clientele.” The project was set to be finished in time for the 4th July, when hundreds of pubs across the country opened their doors for the first time since lockdown, but unforeseen circumstances meant that the deadline has been pushed back. Landlord Tom Martin had the following to say. “I saw how the Chinese built a hospital in 7 days and thought to myself ‘how hard can it possibly be?’ I have a few mates who work in construction who were keen to get on board.”

To fund the costs of the project, Tom says that he has started a gofundme page. “I am currently £47,000,000 in debt, but I know the good, generous people of this city are as keen as I am for pubs to reopen in a safe manner, so money is not a concern.”

Pub-goers will share the pub with patients who decided to break lockdown to get a few pints in. Beds are interspersed between tables, and a top range ventilator has been placed next to the fruit machine. Bartenders at the pub have been given intensive medical training ahead of time, to avoid the cost of having to hire qualified professionals.

The pub is scheduled to open its doors later this month.


Outrage as Newfess revealed to be Data Mining operation

Popular Facebook group Newfess has come under fire, as it has been discovered that Newcastle University’s anonymous confession page is actually a front for a huge data mining operation.

An independent enquiry, lead by a team of Newcastle’s finest computer nerds were able to track the page’s logs, finding literally dozens of student’s data had been collected and sold off to various companies. This comes only days after the previous admin stood down from their position. The enquiry found that, though the page was initially set up with honest intentions, the new admins have manipulated the page in order to make a sizeable profit. Most shockingly of all, one of the main benefactors of this data leak was Northumbria University, who spent a whopping £57 on information gathered by Newfess.

We approached one of the new admins for comment, but we were met by a sharp team of lawyers who politely told us to “f**k off.”

One regular Newfess user, who wished to remain anonymous (naturally), had this to say. “As long as I get my daily fill of simp posting and bait, I don’t care who has my data!” A less bemused student was far more damning in their statement. “In all my decades of using Newfess, I could have never imagined they would be up to something so heinous, I thought they had integrity, but now I’m questioning whether or not Newfess is actually a good thing.”

Under Newcastle University’s by-law number 78: sub-clause C, any website or organisation associated with the university caught in data leaking activities will be subject to the full force of the University’s disciplinary proceedings. Though, given they allow stalkers to roam around without consequences, the admins needn’t be too worried.