EA announce “FIFA: The Movie” – exclusive cast reveal

It’s an exciting day in the world of association football-based sports video games, as EA Sports have revealed a film based on their most successful series. Arriving July 2022, EA Sports FIFA: The Movie Based On The Popular Video Game Series Of The Same Name will be exclusively written and directed by renowned filmmaker, Guillermo del Toro.

According to early insider information, the film’s script consists entirely of dialogue from unseen commentator characters, while the on-screen cast will remain entirely silent. The plot is said to follow the story of a collection of matches between various fictional teams, as most clubs refused to license their details to the project.

The announcement was followed by a cast reveal.

Image: Wikimedia Commons

Paul Rudd … as Lionel Messi

“I am really excited to tackle a different challenge as an actor. They forced me to learn Spanish despite having no lines in the film. I’ve been on the training field for weeks, practising Leo’s free kicks. Hopefully I can do Messi justice.” – Rudd

Image: Wikimedia Commons

Ryan Reynolds …
as Christopher Rolando

Due to licensing issues, Reynolds’ character is based on an athlete who cannot be named here for legal reasons.

“The hardest part of the role was practising the ‘SUIIII’ celebration. I pulled my hamstring twice in the process. Nonetheless, it has been an experience.” – Reynolds

Image: Wikimedia Commons

Robert Downey Jr. …
as Gareth Southgate

“I’m a bit of a gamer myself, so this is an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. They let me keep the waistcoats, too, which was a nice cherry on top of the $85 million I was paid.” – Downey Jr.

Image: @johntravolta, Instagram

John Travolta … as Pep Guardiola

“I’m a big fan of the bald fraud, so to play him is truly a once in a lifetime experience.” – Travolta

Image: Wikimedia Commons

Benedict Cumberbatch … as Harry Kane

“I am excited to bring it home for the boys, best believe.” – Cumberbatch

Image: Wikimedia Commons

Pete Davidson … as Neymar

“I’ve always wanted to get into method acting. I’ve spent an accumulative time of around 15,000 hours practising stepovers and ball juggling to prepare for the role. Unfortunately, my on-field scenes were cut.” – Davidson

Supporting cast include Morgan Freeman as Pelé, Rowan Atkinson as José Mourinho, Jonah Hill as David Luiz, Penélope Cruz as the only female character, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Kevin Hart as the commentators.

EA Sports FIFA: The Movie Based On The Popular Video Game Series Of The Same Name will hit the big screen next summer.

Featured Image: SkySports & Wikimedia Commons

Local man in hot water due to burst pipe

Local man Tony Tiyau is in hot water after a pipe broke in his bathroom today. It sprayed all over and scalded him a bit.

“At the end of the day, it’s water off a duck’s back,” Tony said, dabbing a towel over his beloved rubber duck as the clock struck twelve. “I was in the bath when it happened. It got out of hand very quickly. By that, I mean the bar of soap that slipped out of my hand.”

This isn’t the first time Tony has made headlines. He was spotted last October weeping beside an overturned milk truck.

“Tonya, my wife, isn’t happy with me, let me tell you,” Tony lamented. “She’s been furious with me ever since I threw out the baby with the bathwater. It took some beating around the bush to find the baby. Eventually, he was safely located behind a tree in the garden. The dog nearly found him, but was barking up the wrong one.”

“Eventually I let him off the hook,” Tonya told The Lampoon in regards to the bathwater situation. “I admit using a giant metal hook as punishment was a bit much, though. As for last night, I just got tired of Tony’s bullshit, so I hit the sack. I regret that now, he’d already learned his lesson so it was an unnecessary cheap-shot.”

“Needless to say,” Tony concluded as he lathered up at the bathroom sink. “I’ve washed my hands clean of the situation.”

Tragic: Hedge Fund falls through, leaving hedges nationwide untrimmed

The nation’s beloved Hedge Fund was forced to close its doors this Thursday after going bust. The Fund is best known for keeping Britain’s hedgerows shapely, but is also involved in various other hedge goings-on.

The company has been in constant operation since the beginning of the 19th century, when a group of professional barbers were commissioned by King George III to tidy up the hedges of London. Ever since, the Fund has been a staple of British gardenculture.

News of the Fund’s bankruptcy comes as somewhat of a surprise, with the group typically raking in billions any given spring-summer period. Surprisingly, the problems that led to the company’s collapse were caused by a small online community.

The community in question is r/WeHateHedgeTrimming, a subreddit with a particular distaste for the hedge-trimming elite. Users worked together to purchase every set of shears in the country, thus rendering the Hedge Fund’s task of trimming hedges impossible.

Nigel Pruner, former Chairman of the Hedge Fund, is rumoured to have lost nearly a gazillion pounds as a result of the collapse.

“I’m heartbroken. Not only for myself, but for all the hedge appreciators across the nation,” Pruner said in a public announcement. “What we’re about to see across the country is an unprecedented level of unkemptness in our hedges. Not since the Great Shear-Rusting of the 1920s have we seen hedges in such disarray.”

Following the Hedge Fund’s tragic demise, rumours are aswirl that similar organisations may be forced to close their doors.

“It’s shear havoc,” Jim Gardener, Chairman of the Bush & Tree Bureau, told The Lampoon. “With the Hedge Fund gone, it is only a matter of time before the Lawn Commitee goes too. Then it’s open season.”

Biden family finds White House “riddled” with Home Alone-esque booby traps

The Biden family encountered difficulties while moving into the White House following President Joe Biden’s inauguration on Wednesday. Eyewitnesses reported hearing “screams, whizzes, bangs and small explosions” coming from the residence only minutes after the President’s arrival.

An FBI investigation the following day revealed that hundreds of booby traps had been meticulously inserted throughout the White House by the Trump administration. Nail guns in flowerpots and pits beneath rugs were found in surplus.

“I walked in the door and hot glue sprayed in my eye,” President Biden told The Lampoon, “The place is absolutely riddled. I only just swerved out of the way of the swinging axes in the doorway of the Oval Office.”

President Biden was not the only victim of the traps. First Lady Dr. Jill Biden allegedly had her eyebrows scorched off by a flamethrower hidden inside the White House coffee machine.

“The booby traps were bad enough,” the First Lady added, “But the faecal matter smeared all across the walls? That was a step too far.”

“Needless to say it was a messy affair,” White House janitor Michael Mopinbuckett told our reporter on the scene. “Cleaning the walls took me all day. Then I found out that all thirty-five of the White House’s toilets had been clingfilmed. Fifteen of them were used before I was alerted.”

Reports from the FBI indicate that contraband was also discovered under the floorboards of the Oval Office. Allegedly, President Trump kept a stash of over 27 kilograms of fake tan.

FBI officials on the scene refused to comment beyond a single statement, declaring the stunt the “craziest shit [they’d] ever seen.”

“People think President Donald Trump’s appearance on Home Alone 2: Lost in New York was just a small gig!” Donald Trump lookalike and Twitter-user Ronald Tmurp stated the same day on the social media platform. “Wrong! I learned a trick or two from Macaulay Culkin. Sorry, I mean he learned.”

Disney preview 100+ new projects in new announcement

Following the success of season 2 of The Mandalorian, Disney have commissioned a further twenty-seven series in the Star Wars universe for Disney+. This announcement arrives alongide nearly one-hundred other new projects from various Disney properties that will release over the next decade.

One of the new Star Wars series will be an anthology that follows a multitude of racially stereotyping characters from the prequels. Another will chronicle the rise and fall of Elan Sleazebaggano, the shady bloke who tries to sell death sticks to Obi-Wan in Attack of the Clones (2002). Perhaps most exciting of all is Yoda Returns – which will follow Yoda somehow returning to life in extremely unlikely circumstances following his death in Return of the Jedi (1983).

The Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) has also grown significantly with the new announcements. Fan-favourite characters like Hindsight Lad, Asbestos Lady and Doctor Bong (all real characters, look it up) will all get their own feature film. Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige has already confirmed that there will be “plenty of epic scenes where all the female characters happen to appear at the same time” across the new projects.

It is believed that six of the Seven Dwarfs from Snow White (1937) will have their own limited series coming 2024. Sleepy, due to his untimely death, has not signed on for his own series – but rumours are aswirl that he may make a CGI appreance in Grumpy’s show. The Magic Mirror has refused to comment on if it will appear in any of the series.

Along with a multitude of animated features, Disney have announced a live-aciton ‘reimagining’ of Finding Nemo (2003). Casting includes Matt Damon as Marlin, Angelina Jolie as Dory, Jason Momoa as Bruce, and the kid from Stranger Things as Nemo. Minimal CGI will be used, with director Tom Hooper going for a “organic” approach.

The first of the new Disney+ projects will roll out this summer. Cars 2: 2, a sequel to the second Cars film, is due to arrive in early June. Law-Abiding Citizens of the Caribbean, a Pirates of the Caribbean spin-off starring Steve Buscemi, will arrive shortly after in July.

Don’t tell my boss, but I forgot to write this article

Right, not gonna lie, I did not realise that it was Monday already.

Oh god, oh shit: my article is due today. 1000 words on post-structuralism, or something along those lines. Do I look like I know what the hell that is? Christ, I’m in over my head.

This job will be the death of me. I don’t know if it’s the workload or the fact that everything is online, but things aren’t going well. I suppose I only have myself to blame. If I hadn’t been vacantly staring at the wall all week maybe I’d have got it done.

Anyway, uh… I can trust you, right? Well, if it’s all the same to you, maybe we can keep this between the two of us. Our little secret. It’s not like the editors actually read these things, after all.

Hell, this might just slip under the radar. If I just hit the submit button, maybe my boss won’t notice. I guess I’ll figure out how screwed I am in a few weeks.

I’m sure they’ll cut me some slack, either way. I’m new blood. It is like they always say in the journalism business: “the first year doesn’t matter”.

Jeff Bezos secures happiness in $200,000,000,000 deal

The age old phrase “money can’t buy happiness” has today been disproved following Jeff Bezos’ acquisition of the emotion in the early hours of the morning.

Bezos, the world’s richest man, has today become rich in something other than money – happiness. Nonetheless, he has money to thank for it, having coughed up close to $200 billion for the sought-after sentiment.

“I am very happy to announce this deal,” Bezos announced to the press. “I was not happy before, but now, because of money, I am.”

The Amazon mogul had reportedly had his sights set on passive contentedness for quite some time, before throwing caution to the wind and splashing the cash on full-blown happiness. He is allegedly already in the market for another intangible concept after hearing someone say “money won’t buy you time”.

Bill Gates, who had previously admitted to saving up for happiness for over two decades, has refused to comment. Sources claim that he is rather unhappy to hear the news.

“STOP THE COUNT!”: Trump vocalises support for the enemies of Dracula

Donald Trump was thanked by the people of Transylvania on Thursday evening after publicly decrying Count Dracula in a Twitter tirade.

At 9.12 AM EST on Thursday, Trump controversially tweeted “STOP THE COUNT!” Whilst initially misconstrued as a comment on the 2020 presidential election, Trump’s tweet was in fact a scathing and long-awaited denouncement of the Count of Transylvania, Dracula.

Trump’s comment arrives after a tough week for the people of Transylvania, with a dozen vampire attacks transpiring in the last seven days. It came as no surprise to the public when Count Dracula himself was photographed participating in these attacks, with the blood-sucking supervillain having garnered a reputation for feeding off his people for the past six centuries.

“He used to be a great guy, one of the best guys,” Trump told our reporter when asked about his tweets. “But I need good press, so we will be supporting a coup of Transylvania in the next few days. Some people are saying it will be the best coup. This might delay the election for a few weeks. Let me tell you, this is the biggest issue we’ve had with bats all year.”

Count Dracula is yet to comment on the situation, but both sides are gearing up for possible conflict.

Ranking every Premier League team by how likely they are to stage a military coup on Chile

We’re in the fledgling stages of a real spectacle of a Premier League season, and there are already plenty of upsets spicing things up in the UK’s biggest football division. There are a lot of different ways you can rank and order the 20 clubs that participate in this year’s Prem, but there is only one that truly matters: from least to most, how likely is it for each team to stage a coup d’état in Chile?

#20: Manchester City

Following the City Group’s acquisition of Santiago City – their 139th football club – it looks near-impossible for the Citizens to speak out against the Chilean government, let alone stage a full-on coup against them.

#19: Crystal Palace

Eagles manager Roy Hodgson is an outspoken advocate for the National Renewal Party of Chile. Unless things were to dramatically change, Palace would be in prime position to defend Chile from a military coup, not participate in one.

#18: Arsenal

Given Tottenham Hotspur’s rigidly anti-Chile stance, it is rumoured that Arsenal are in favour of maintaining the status quo in Santiago, simply out of spite.

#17: Sheffield United

Chris Wilder’s men are known to work on a shoestring budget, so it’s unlikely that they would find themselves in the right financial position to launch a military coup of any kind, never mind one that would see them traverse an ocean and most of a continent in transit.

#16: West Bromwich Albion

There’s just something about the Baggies that says “No, they probably won’t involve themselves in large-scale military operations in South America”.

#15: Brighton & Hove Albion

When asked about Chile, Graham Potter went on a fifteen minute rant about how Chile is, traditionally speaking, a beanless dish, and that anyone who includes beans in their Chile is disgracing its Mexican roots. From this, we can decipher that his involvement in the country’s politics is minimal.

#14: Wolverhampton Wanderers

Wolves seem far too busy pretending to be Portuguese, so they are unlikely to make a move on Chile at the present.

A picture taken during the 2014 unrest spurred on by Stoke City, who are no longer in the Premier League. Image: C64-92 on Flickr

#13-10: Leicester City, Everton, Leeds United & Southampton

Given that these four Premier League clubs are actively involved in a military coup in Sierra Leone, they seem to have their hands full at the present. Things can quickly change, but for now, West Africa will keep this coalition busy.

#9: Fulham

In what looks to be a difficult season ahead for the Cottagers, it’s likely that Scott Parker may look towards more creative methods for survival in the Premier League. Whether that means signing a new centre-back in January or seizing power in the Chilean capital, we cannot possibly know.

#8: Newcastle United

When asked about Chile, Steve Bruce said “No, I’m warm enough, thanks”. There is certainly potential, however, that Bruce’s words were faux-ignorance, and that he is plotting a coup as we speak.

#7: Manchester United

After what happened with Alexis Sánchez, how could Man United fans not want to see a significant restructure of Chilean politics? With that being said, it’s unlikely that the Glazers will fund a venture of this magnitude, as they have already set their sights on the cheaper, more realistic option of a Venezuelan military coup.

#6: Chelsea

With news arriving of Chelsea’s failed attempt to purchase Chile in the summer transfer window, things are tense between the Blues and the South American country. Frank Lampard may seek alternate methods of acquisition this winter.

#5-3: Aston Villa, Burnley & West Ham

This trio of teams were recently spotted attending a “Claret & Blue Conversion Rally”, in which a union of organisations that share the same colour scheme plotted to force all of the world’s institutions into representing the claret & blue, including the Chilean government. Unless Chile complies and switches up the colours on their flag, it’s looking like military intervention may be inevitable.

#2: Tottenham Hotspur

José Mourinho has repeatedly insulted Chilean President Sebastián Piñera in press conferences this season, calling him a “wasteman” and a “clout-chaser”. With Spurs-Chile relations nearing boiling point, it is only a matter of time before a coup is on the cards.

#1: Liverpool

There’s just something about Jürgen Klopp that screams “this man is a severe and immediate threat to the current ruling political party of Chile”. One look at his toothy grin would send shivers down the spine of any right-leaning Chilean, and, although Klopp hasn’t formally commented on the matter, it is surely only a matter of time before Salah & co. arrive on the Chilean coast.

8 Government Approved ways to keep busy during a second lockdown

If there’s a second lockdown, it’s important for everyone to feel safe. To stop the spread of Covid-19, we have to spend time apart from friends and family.

Students, notorious in their social gatherings, are a particular point of concern for the government – but there are certainly ways to follow guidelines and still have fun this autumn. To highlight this, we’ve compiled a brief list of government-verified pastimes for those in education in the event of another lockdown.

1. Crack open a book

Who would want to go outside when a wealth of knowledge is waiting for you on your bedside table? Pick up some literature this autumn and open up your mind to brand new possibilities. Remember – it’s best to remain alone in your own home to do this.

2. Pick up a new hobby

Always wanted to play the guitar? Maybe learn to crochet? (NB: crocheted masks are not clinically approved.) Juggling? Any of these options and a few more are on the table, as you will have an abundance of time to learn something new. Outdoors hobbies or any activities involving multiple people are strongly discouraged.

3. Focus on fitness

Let yourself pack on a bit of weight over the first lockdown? Worry not, you still have plenty of time to spend getting back into shape. Either work out at home or go to the gym where dozens of others work towards the same goal! Go alone, though.

4. Drink alone

Nightlife and parties have long been a staple of student life. This time round, we have to do things a little different – but don’t worry, you can still binge drink to your heart’s desire, just make sure you do it in-doors without visitors. Keep your head up, champ!

5. Return to education

It’s not all doom and gloom for those of you who are still at school – things are essentially back to normal! You don’t have to worry about socially distancing – it’s education, for heaven’s sake! No mask? No problem. Go out there and enjoy yourself, kidda’.

6. Support corporations

Some out there can’t be as fortunate as you this autumn – wasting away, losing their very essence of life. I’m talking, of course, about large corporations who rely on your money for their very survival. Don’t selfishly forget to go out and support your country’s industry! You could also support small businesses, I guess.

7. Pick up some extra cash

Students are infamously broke, but you will still need plenty of money to support businesses this autumn, so get back to work! Plenty of places are looking for a helping hand in times like these. Supermarkets, factories, care-homes and other busy industries should be your first port of call.

8. Remain subservient

In challenging times like this, we require the complete support of the people. Keep your head up, smile, and, whatever you do, for the good of the people – don’t question anything. God save the queen!