Matt Hancock’s wife still processing that he’s been kissed

The wife of ex-Health Secretary and alleged human being Matt Hancock today revealed her shock at finding out that Mrs. Colangelo kissed her husband. Mrs. Hancock went on to reveal that she has “never kissed [her] husband” and, if forced to show affection, Mr. Hancock instead prefers a “‘weak handshake”.

The osteopath went on to say she was truly sorry for Mrs. Colangelo, as she did not believe that “Matt ever learnt how to kiss”. As such, the kiss she shared with Mr Hancock is understood to have been “grim” and “probably tasted like egg”.

Asked what she plans to do next, Hancock said she “has a date with Oliver Tress”, indicating we could see a game of political ‘Wife Swap’ come soon to our screens.

Martha Hancock finished up her comments to The Lampoon by noting “Matt is like one of those shits that won’t flush, endlessly bobbing up just as you think it’s gone.”

“He’s like melanoma, but more cancerous, and thanks to him, if you wanted it treated properly, you’d have to go private.”

Featured image: Robin Higgins on Pixabay

BREAKING NEWS: Hancock did not knowingly cheat on wife

Matt Hancock has today defended his actions in being caught groping his married aide Gina Coladangelo, saying it was ‘necessary to defend the NHS against a PPE shortage’. The Cabinet Minister went on quickly to say that he was ‘just helping Mrs Coladangelo apply PPE’ as she was about to meet Michael Gove (The Lampoon understands PPE is necessary to engage with Mr Gove as he has an incredibly contagious illness known as ‘StupidDickheadinitis’).

The Toon Lampoon pressed Mr Hancock’s office for clarification on how engaging in an affair with a married senior aide is assisting the NHS, but his office refused to comment. An anonymous Conservative source went on to say that Mr Hancock acted patriotically in kissing Mrs Coladangelo because she ‘has a foreign surname’ and that Mrs Coladangelo had access to supplies of PPE, details of which she would not provide ‘without a kiss from that clammy, weak handshake of a man’. What we would like to know is if Mrs Coladangelo was the only provider Mr Hancock had access to, or whether she was the only one he personally was friends with.

Nonetheless, as details of the affair emerge it would appear Boris Johnson is seeking to promote Mr Hancock to congratulate him for appealing to the core Tory voter (ie middle aged, balding, woefully under-qualified and affair-having). If history is anything to go by, it is likely that the Conservative party will actually gain a larger lead over the political mist that is Keir Starmer.

At the Lampoon we believe attractiveness is subjective, and that love is love. The only exception is loving the grossly negligent wanker whose first name begins with ‘M’ and last name ends with ‘Cock’.

“Have you tried not being offended?” Boris asks victims of systematic racism

Boris Johnson has today lashed out at BAME people upset at the results of the report intended to look at racism in the UK. The report, completed by the Commission on Race and Ethnic Disparities, began after the Black Lives Matter protests and vigils swept across the country last summer.

Johnson chose his One Black Friend, Tony Sewell, to head the report which was commissioned after (to quote Johnson) “that…umm…pesky yes well Black Lives Matter thing started up and…hm…there isn’t even a…hm…Black George Floyd in…er…this country, I had…erm…Priti Patel check for…erm…that name in the…um…directory…erm…of prisoners. I don’t know, well, what all this…erm…fuss is about.”

Johnson is denying reports that he arranged for Sewell and his colleagues to note that he has “three Asians in Cabinet as well as one white who could probably pass for Asian.” Johnson is believed to have gone on to say that racism is “rubbish” and that he has “preferences” when it comes to race, this being “totally normal”. The Prime Minister continued by saying, “how about you stop being offended?” when questioned by Black people on the Commission’s findings.

Sources, including Sewell, have noted that Johnson is in fact “colour-blind in both eyes”, which makes it difficult to distinguish skin colour. He instead makes judgements based on a person’s wealth. Then, he “gets his colour chart out and places it on the skin of the other person”. If the person is white, he puts it back in his pocket. If the person is of ethnic minority heritage, Johnson disinfects it first prior to placing it back in his pocket.

We at The Lampoon have pointed out to the Conservative government that the Windrush Scandal was based on race, as is the chilling statistic that Black women are four times more likely to die in childbirth than their white counterparts. The only response we have received is that we are now unwelcome at press briefings. See if we care! They’re shit anyway.

Local cat to unionise after learning they can’t inherit the house

A local cat has been left horrified after finding out she has not been placed on the mortgage and is thus unable to inherit the house if everyone dies. Gnocchi, a mackerel tabby aged between 1-7 (attempts to find her age have been inconclusive) has spoken out against her owner due to this clear breach of her rights.

Gnocchi had this to say to us:

“Meow, *lick* scream.”

Thankfully, The Lampoon keeps an Egyptologist familiar with cat-related modern hieroglyphs on retainer. This was originally in the hopes that she could break a curse placed on our editors after they burgled the Great Pyramid of Giza.

She now helps with more bog-standard Lampoon affairs, like money laundering. According to her, Gnocchi’s outburst roughly translates as:

“I am frankly outraged.”

“I contribute incredible amounts to this household: I guard the garden, and ensure everyone is alert to potential night time dangers by selflessly screaming. I even make sure they’re warm by giving up my own fur and leaving it on their items.”

“I’ve had enough: the giant bald babies can freeze for all I care. I even give them acupuncture for free when I knead on them.”

Gnocchi went on to say that she had tried other methods of protest.

“They don’t get it! I even scoot at 7pm sharp every single evening to highlight my displeasure, but all they did was take me to the vet*.”

Asked whether she would be leaving the household as a result of this latest slight, Gnocchi concluded “I do get a good amount of Dreamies, and the house is pretty toasty“.

“Plus when I had to have three big teeth out because I was eating rocks, they paid, which was nice as I can’t remember my online banking password.”

“They blended up my disgustingly stinky breakfast and dinner like soup so I could slurp it. My owner threw up three times like the weakling she is, but I suppose it was nice of her.”

Gnocchi has said that she is inspired by the latest victory against Uber in creating the Union for Cat Rights. The other founding members are neighbours Phil (a white male with no ears), Tzatziki (a female tabby recently off the boat from Greece), Pesto (a ginger tabby known for his cravats) and Ian (a mixed cat whose owner is an antivaxxer member of the BNP).

Other important policies the Union for Cat Rights want to see implemented include: a weekly Dreamies Day, more food, fewer vets, more attention, a stop to all street harassment/catcalling (they would never ‘call’), free school meals, a reduction of tuition fees and for Chris Day to fuck off.

*The author wishes to note that Gnocchi does not have worms, parasites or issues with shitting. She scoots out of spite.

Featured Image: poundlandathene

Policeman filmed shoving peaceful vigil attendee asks for “sympathy”

A policeman has today asked for sympathy after sustaining “catastrophic” injuries to his toe. The officer was “injured” after aggressively shoving a woman attending a peaceful vigil yesterday. The woman in question was not resisting arrest and had her hands above her head at the time of the incident.

The incident was filmed by bystanders who disseminated the video. In an interview about the event this morning, the PoPo officer involved stated: “This is a difficult thing for me to even talk about. The woman stood on my toe after I tried arresting her. That, in the eyes of the law is GBH. I know it’s the law as I myself, like all police, am above the law”. Eyewitnesses dispute this account, telling us “she was nowhere near his little piggies”.

After being probed by reporters, the police officer confirmed that the toe is “a little bit bruised, not broken or anything”, before confirming he is to be awarded both a Bravery Award and a Queen’s Gallantry Medal for his bravery in arresting an unarmed, peaceful vigil attendee using unnecessary brute force. Priti Patel also phoned the officer to commend his “selflessness”.

Despite the events, the officer reiterated calls for sympathy as “not only is my toe hurt, but I’m not used to people not doing what I say, and I’m angry.”

Cressida Dick rebrands ACAB as “All Cops Are Beautiful”

Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police Cressida Dick has today announced a new campaign designed to rejuvenate the Met’s image.

The campaign, titled ‘ACAB: All Cops Are Beautiful’ will see coppers of all types photographed doing what they do best.

Sources say that actors will be used instead of real police as they are “too busy upholding the systems of oppression”.

Type-scenes being used include: a drag queen violently arresting a drag king and a disabled officer wheeling over a suspect. Another scene features – in an attempt to subvert expectations – a black officer beating up an unarmed white man.

The campaign is intended to market the Force as an inclusive and positive employer and is part of a wider recruitment drive. Huge swathes of police are in prison and the Met needs temporary officers until the original officers serve their sentences and return to duty.

This is just the latest attempt by the police to clean up their image after numerous damaging incidents. We at The Lampoon look forward to seeing this campaign come to fruition.

Featured Image: Diane Abbott MP on Twitter

Women in collective sigh of relief after Ian from Slough says ‘not all men’

Women across the country have today been able to breathe easier after Ian, a single 57 year old from Slough, took it upon himself to tell women that not all men are potential threats to their safety/ lives.

We spoke to one woman who wished to remain nameless about the development: ‘I am so delighted Ian has told me that not all men are threats. At night when I traveled home I would have my keys wedged between my fingers ready to gouge at a potential attacker. Now I keep my keys in my bag. I owe it to Ian, my hero’.

Another woman, Kirsty had this to say: ‘Ian has single-handedly ended violence against women. I would give him the Nobel Peace Prize. Absolute gem of a man. He can wolf-whistle me any day, especially as sexual harassment is now gone!’

Ian went on to say in his poorly written Facebook post that ‘back in [his] day, women were far more open to advances from men. Now they don’t want to speak to [him] when [he] starts walking next to them in a dark and secluded area. Make women polite again!!!’ was his finishing remark.

Monarchy insists it is not racist as it “used to own half of Africa”

The Queen has today announced that the British monarchy is not racist after claims from Meghan and Harry that indicate the contrary.

The Head of the Commonwealth also pointed out that Prince Andrew has “had sex with underage black girls as well as white girls” and as such, the Firm could not possibly be accused of racism. The Queen also noted that she is married to a man who is more purple than a red grape. Sources close to the Queen have asserted that this is a side effect of the embalming fluid used in Prince Philip.

This is just the latest part of the drama which looks close to causing the monarchy to implode France-style.

Featured Image: Defence Images on Flickr

How covid cautious are you on a scale of 1 to Rita Ora?

The government has today announced that their new covid safety celebrity ambassador is everyone’s favourite musician Rita Ora. Ora is best known for hits such as GENERIC TITLE and GENERIC TITLE BUT *SEXY*. #

The Lampoon understands she was phoned both by Matt HandCOCK and the Prime Minister himself, both desperately seeking her endorsement for the new covid campaign. The campaign is rumoured to be called ORA (Olways Run Away [from covid]).

Boris Johnson was particularly keen on her appointment as he seeks to win over younger voters. Sources from inside Number 10 have confirmed that the decision was between Ora and Dua Lipa. The decision was made to go for Ora as she is “a tiny bit less annoying” and “Rita is clearly more British”, courtesy of her name.

In a recent YouGov poll, over 80% of respondents failed to recognise Lipa’s name. The most common response mistook the singer for a Thai craft lager.

Featured Image: geralt on Pixabay

Gavin Williamson confirmed as either Rumplestiltskin in disguise or flip flop-hybrid

Gavin Williamson hasn’t quite mastered the act of being human. In fact the only indication he’s even been born is the suffix ‘son’ at the end of his name.

One of the main giveaways of his non-humanness is his extreme dedication to making life miserable for absolutely everyone either in education, working in education or somehow involved in education. In fact, the odds on Gavin being a human-flip flop hybrid are exceedingly high even by normal scales of Conservative Party non-humanness. Other sources have noted that not only is he a confirmed flip flop, he has also never explicitly said he is “not Rumplestiltskin”.

The issue with being a flip flop is that you’re not made for being worn in the halls of power. You’re made for sandy beaches, ASDA when the weather reaches 20c, and Magaluf.

To make Rumplestiltskin (Mr Williamson) even less credible, it has been noted that he was born in Scarborough and went to the University of Bradford. As a result of his northern upbringing, comprehensive school education and flip flopitude, he is considered a diversity pick by his fellow war criminals in the Conservative cabinet.

Who would have thought a little lad from Scarborough could be the mastermind of a plan to starve children! Just goes to show that in the 21st century, anyone with no experience of working in the education sector can be a) Education Secretary b) so dense light bends round them and c) so bland-looking that they’re impossible to pick out of a police line up. Mr Williamson looks like he smells of sulphur and dead rabbits.

We reached out to Mr Williamson for comment but he was unavailable due to it being his turn to hunt the children for the cabinet dinner. He hopes to find some “juicy youngsters under 12” as their bones make the best gravy.