Outrage as The Times just publish the time

British broadsheet newspaper The Times has found itself in hot water as the pages in the edition published on 6^th February 2021 only consisted of the time. The front cover of the famous newspaper simply featured “02:37” in plain block black text which has angered many long time readers.

Sheila Dunningham from Royal Leamington Spa was “devastated” that she wasn’t able to get her daily picture of “Dishy Rishi” but admitted she “liked” that each page featured the times of famous capital cities. “That was a nice touch” she commented, before blabbering on about her grandfather’s globetrotting adventures. (I didn’t ask)

However, most readers found no redeeming factors in the change in format. David Frobisher, a retired lorry driver from Kent, was angry that the time “doesn’t change.” Mr Frobisher recounted his frustrations to The Toon Lampoon. “I was staring at it all day and it just stayed there. It didn’t move! It’s in a 24-hour format as well so it wasn’t even correct at 2:37 this afternoon!”

In Bolsover, Jacqui Sanderson took umbrage with today’s issues “insistence to fill its pages with the times of other nations.” She believes that The Times is a “British paper,” and doesn’t understand why we should worry about the “foreign times we’re being demanded to take interest in.”

Despite disagreements over todays issue, readers of The Times are waiting with bated breath to see what the newspaper will publish tomorrow. Will it return to its original format? Or will the country be treated to a brand new time plastered across the pages of the long-running British institution?

Image: BBC News (UK) on Twitter

No face, no Daesh: Interview with Newcastle student who has challenged ISIS to Fight Night

Today, Lampoon Fight Night correspondent Samy L. Clauwers sits down with Humphry Indigo, the Newcastle University student who has challenged the Islamic State to a boxing match.

Why did you feel compelled to challenge the Islamic State to Fight Night?
Well, I am truly sick of them giving it the big one. They need to be brought down a peg or two, and I think I’m the one to do it.

Have you ever boxed before?
Certainly not professionally. When I was younger, I mostly played cricket, squash, and polo. Boxing was never really an option for me until I came to the North East. However, since arriving in this marvellous city, I’ve had many a chance to ‘scrap’, as the locals say, with fellow North Face puffer enthusiasts on nights out.

How confident are you in winning this fight?
It doesn’t matter who they send, they’re not walking away with the win. I understand they must have some technical fighters in there but I’m confident in my ability. The boys in Harrow used to say that I didn’t mind getting my hands dirty.

Do you have anything you want to say to your competitor, whoever he may be?
I’m just hoping for a good clean fight. What happens in the ring stays in the ring, you know what I mean?

Stat attack

Fighter	Humphry Indigo	The Islamic Sate
Known as	“The Arrow from Harrow”	“ISIS”
Hometown	Virginia Water, Surrey	[Redacted]
Stance	Orthodox	Complicated

The Lampoon has reached out to the Islamic State for comment, though they are yet to respond.

Newfess political posters ‘the new face’ of BBC’s Question Time

The BBC’s flagship political program, Question Time, is rumoured to be hiring the hottest political posters on Newfess II to be permanent panellists. The rumour started following a document leak on Twitter by a BBC staffer, and was later confirmed to be true by Director-General of the BBC Tim Davie who had this to say:

“I’ve been keeping a keen eye on Newfess over the years; from the original Newfess to the glorious period when we had two Newfess II’s jostling for the crown. One thing that was clear throughout its many different iterations is the sharp intelligence of its many political commentators. Who needs Alan Curtis to detail the complexities of the War in Afghanistan when we can have these Newfess posters tell the nation how George Bush was, in fact, ‘based’? It is for this reason that they have been chosen as the new face of British political institution”.

It is still unclear when these changes to the Question Time format will go into effect, however many predict that it will be after this year’s local elections in May.

Breaking: Sabbatical officer actually does something

In a stunning turn of events, reports are coming in that a sabbatical officer has actually done something today. While our intrepid reporters are scrambling to find out what exactly they have done, The Lampoon, along with the entirety of the student population of Newcastle University, wait with bated breath to see how this unnamed brave officer is earning their £19k.

Some students have taken to Twitter to theorize what they might have done. “Maybe they’ve actually brought up tuition fees in Student Council” proposed one student. “Nah, I reckon they’ve updated their blog” replied another.

I wish I could offer a better analysis of events than just quoting some random tweets from students, but due to the unmatched nature of this event, I have nothing to compare it to. Sorry readers, you’re all on your own today. Just self-teach yourself the news, you’ll be alright.

Boris Johnson to announce Tier 5 and the Tier 5S Plus

Following the Prime Minister’s announcement of Tier 4 on Saturday afternoon, sources in Whitehall have revealed that Mr. Johnson has plans for a Tier 5 and Tier 5S Plus in the works.

The Lampoon understands that the latest update to the COVID-19 tier system will be announced before the New Year, but it is still unknown whether they’ll go into action straight away like Tier 4 did in parts of the South East.

The new tiers, apparently dubbed the most innovative tiers the government has ever put in place, have got many Britons excited.

Image: Sam Jingle Mi-bell-chael on Twitter and Joe Molander

Image: Sam Jingle Mi-bell-chael on Twitter and Joe Molander

However, not everyone was happy with the rumours.

Image: Sam Jingle Mi-bell-chael on Twitter and Joe Molander

Simply the idea of further expanding the tier system is dividing an already divided nation. It appears Boris Johnson will have to prepare for severe backlash if these rumours prove to be true.

Keir Starmer promises to be ‘a more forensic and competent arms dealer’ than Boris Johnson

During his first conference speech as Labour leader, Sir Keir Starmer promised to “stop the incompetence” of Boris Johnson’s administration when selling weapons to Middle Eastern dictators and ethnostates yesterday as he outlined his vision for Britain. Speaking in Doncaster, Keir Starmer blasted the PM’s “uncouth” style when arms trading, claiming it shamed a “proud British institution.”

“We’ve sold arms to everybody,” Starmer stated to those present. “Absolutely everybody. But no-one has done it in such an unprofessional way as Mr Johnson. We used to lead the world in selling weaponry to some of the harshest regimes on the world stage. I mean we still do, but we used to look cool while doing it. The Labour Party promises to right these wrongs.”

Starmer and his advisors will hope his speech resonated with the voters who abandoned Labour in 2019. While a general election might be years away, Starmer’s team will be hoping that competency while backing dictatorships will be enough to win over the electorate.

Toon Lampoon fires writer but forgets to remove admin privileges

The Toon Lampoon has today announced the sacking of its best writer, and possibly the greatest writer of our generation, Samy L. Clauwers. However, the idiots in charge have failed to remove the brilliant writer’s admin privileges, meaning he can continue to write and publish articles and even share them on the publications Facebook account.

The Newcastle based publication, that has somehow managed to run out of fresh ideas after less than 2 months of going live, decided to remove Samy from their writing staff after his last article Katie Hopkins makes directorial debut with Triumph of the Will 2 got so little views that The Lampoon had to start paying money to their advertisers. At least this was the reason the spineless cowards gave to the beleaguered writer, a writer that one must think won’t be out of work for too long.

Despite pumping out hit article after hit article, which reached literally tens of people, the rest of the writing team forced Mr Clauwers out the door. Initial reports indicate that the conniving traitors in charge of The Lampoon seemingly gave no leeway to the genius behind the site’s only Pol Pot based article when they decided to remove him.

The Lampoon will probably continue on its downward slope unless the intellectual juggernaut behind Campus building work gets major boost from Middle Eastern investors can find a way to covertly publish his seminal literary pieces to the website without the halfwits realising.

Katie Hopkins makes directorial debut with Triumph of the Will 2

Following its announcement at this week’s BAFTA awards, Triumph of the Will 2 is already in hot water on social media. Some fans of the original are fearful that Katie Hopkins’s directorial debut will not live up to the 1935 original.

Many fans have welcomed the decision to bring in a female director, a tradition started by the first film. However, Hopkins’s credentials as a serious filmmaker has been brought into question.

Image made with pictures from cursedshirts on Instagram and Stephen Mangan on Twitter

Image made with pictures from Stephen Mangan and David Baddiel on Twitter and Wallpaper Flare

For other fans, the nature of the sequel, which is as yet unclear, has sparked worries that the long-awaited continuation will be a ‘soft reboot’ or ‘soft remake.’

Image made with pictures from Geoff Norcott on Twitter and JD Hancock on Flickr

While series fans seem cautious about the shock sequel, the Argentinian studio Webeleine, who are bankrolling the project, hopes to inject money into the country’s failing film industry. In a press release, Webeleine stated that the film was “a fantastic opportunity for Argentina as a whole, and Bariloche especially.”

As the release day gets closer, The Lampoon will endeavour to keep fans updated on the latest sequel news.

Xi Jinping resigns as President of China after Redditors call him “Winnie the Pooh” again

Following another ruthless attack from Redditors, the General Secretary of the Communist Party of China and President of China has resigned from all posts with immediate effect. Mr Xi has been the President of the world’s second biggest economy since March 2013. He is stepping down after Redditors “owned” him by comparing him to the famous A. A. Milne character Winnie the Pooh.

In a nation-wide address, Xi Jinping outlined the reason for his resignation:

“It is a monumental task representing 1/7^th of the people on this planet. This is a task that I thought I was able to complete with grace and dignity. This was until western liberal teenagers on Reddit compared me to a yellow cartoon bear again today, which I’m absolutely sure has no racial undertones whatsoever. I now have no choice but to resign from all positions of power. Thank you.”

Xi Jinping’s resignation speech

Debates over who will succeed President Xi has gripped the Chinese mainland. The previous frontrunner and current Premier of the State Council, Li Keqiang, announced today that he is not interested in the position. Rumours from inside the state press hint that the Communist Party of China were worried about his resemblance to Eeyore, and told him to step down.

As the world awaits any further updates from the Sleeping Giant, The Lampoon promises up to date coverage of the upcoming political turmoil.

Agrics Society rebrands as ‘Agrarian Society’, disassociates from intellectual infested Newcastle University

Following the announcement of the reorganisation of the society on Wednesday evening, The Lampoon sent our ace reporter to speak to the society following his yearly check-up at Specsavers. Unfortunately, he’s stopped returning our calls, so we don’t actually have any updates on this story.

If our reporter starts doing his job properly, The Lampoon will make sure to keep our readers up to date on any new developments.