Dolphins sink Sky News boat off Dover – “How do you like it now?”

A pod of dolphins was spotted Wednesday afternoon ramming a sky news boat off Dover, sources say. The boat was one of many attempting to film migrants and refugees crossing the channel in small watercraft.

After twenty minutes of ramming, the vessel listed to one side and became inundated with water, causing the captain to abandon ship. The dolphins appeared gleeful and began shouting, “How do you like it now?” along with chants of, “Ee eee eeee”.

Upon seeing the journalists in the water, a small dinghy filled with refugees approached the scene and rescued the men from the water, with one man from Syria saying, “We are all human and should never hesitate to help others”.

Dolphins will usually help drowning swimmers, and will even ward off sharks.  Dolphin rescue group DRG criticised Priti Patel for her “underwhelming” and “dehumanising” approach to the refugee crisis, stating they have seen an 300% increase in refugee rescues since last year. Head of DRG Mr Bottlenose warned that if humans did not take action, more anti-media protests would likely take place.

The Lampoon reached out to Poseidon for comment but he declined our requests for an interview.

Sharks starve as local idiots die of COVID-19 instead of going surfing

A representative from the San Francisco Shark Association appealed on Thursday night for idiots to avoid dying of COVID-19, claiming that without them resident sharks would go hungry. Mr Carcharodon said food poverty among shark families was dramatically increasing as local idiots were dying of COVID-19 instead of going surfing.

Local idiots are a crucial source of protein for sharks, and should be eaten at least once a week as part of a healthy diet, according to figures published by Newcastle University’s Marine Dietary Specialists Department. Local idiots mimic the appearance of seals by wearing wetsuits and swimming in close proximity to seal colonies, making them excellent targets for sharks.

Mr White claimed that there is a correlation between these “reckless surfer types” and those who refuse to wear a mask. One local idiot The Lampoon interviewed also complained about wearing shark-proof chainmail, saying his “right to swim naked” was being compromised. Shortly after the interview took place he lost his right leg to a hammerhead.

In contrast, the shark community has taken the pandemic very seriously, with most individuals observing social distancing and choosing to wear a mask.

Luckily the plight of the sharks has been championed by other animal rights groups. A group of 40 koalas held a charity BBQ and completed a hot coals walk to raise money for the starving sharks. Mr White, a representative from the shark community, thanked the koalas for their efforts.