Chris Day reportedly “nervous people are going to start making 1984 analogies any day now”

Sources close to members of Chris Day’s inner circle report he has on more than one occasion expressed that he is worried about people comparing the current situation to George Orwell’s dystopian classic 1984.

An aide for the Head of The Department of Spunking Hundreds of Millions of Pounds on Ugly New Buildings went on record yesterday to claim that they had personally heard Mr. Day express fears that the University’s “brazen and extremely talented and well-opinionated student press” would begin drawing comparisons between the current climate and George Orwell’s ‘1984’.

“I’m literally fucking shaking and crying right now.”

Chris Day, allegedly.

One can only speculate on what basis Vice Chancellor Day has these fears, so that is what we will do. Perhaps it could have something to do with the fact that the University recently saw fit to use up to £125,000 of student tuition fees on expanding Operation Oak – the police crackdown on “anti-social behaviour” in student areas.

Why, I wonder, in a cultural climate where a general feeling of living in a surveillance police state is being felt daily, someone might have some thoughts about the University literally paying police to patrol and harass students.

I mean really, surely rumours of plain-clothes police officers lurking around student areas looking for people to issue 10k pound fines to, and students being encouraged to report on their neighbours don’t harken back to any dystopian fiction, and certainly not a dystopian fiction that is touted almost every day on Twitter as “prophetic”.

Personally, I believe his fears are completely unfounded. Comparisons to 1984 should be reserved for when people are mean to you after you make racist comments online. Everyone knows that the only freedom that matters is the freedom to be an asshole online. That, however, is just my opinion.

At press time, a press release was release to the Lampoon office via a sticky note on a brick detailing a pre-emptive denial of any potential future allegations that the Vice Chancellor was a malevolent cosmic entity hell-bent on the reclamation of the universe. The document went on to state that Chris Day was not an acronym for “Acrid Hys or Adris Chy, or any other equally malicious sounding moniker”, and was in fact the Vice Chancellor’s “bonafide, 100% real, given birth name”.

Disclaimer; if it wasn’t already glaringly obvious, this is a work of satirical fiction, and should not be taken as factual.

Opinion: we should burn down the shoe tree

One doesn’t need to look too far to find mechanisms of oppression. Everyday things that many take for granted may stand for an oppressive system in which they are mere cogs.

A prime example of this is the shoe. A shoe imprisons the foot, and acts as a restriction, holding it in place and tying us down to the ground.

It stands to reason, then, that monuments to this oppression should be torn down, as monuments to any oppression should be. And what better example of a monument to the oppressive nature of shoes is there than the Armstrong Park Shoe Tree?

Students, weary from wearing oppressive shoes, often throw their shoes into the air, much like a graduation cap. At one spot, so many students threw up their shoes in exasperation that a cluster of shoes began to form, and an entire tree was eventually covered by shoes.

The objects of oppression, the shoes, have merely been passed on to the trees, tying them down. Man has merely passed the oppression on to nature. To finally rid the environment of oppressive shoes we must burn down the shoe tree itself. In doing so, we would be getting rid of those foot-hiding horror contraptions once and for all in a long black smoke.

Confused Admin Staff Fund New Campus Statue of 16th Century Theologian Martin Luther

Campus was left confused today as the University Administration unveiled a new 10ft statue of German Reformist Martin Luther, who died in 1546.

The University, up until now, has had no strong links with Lutheranism, and it was initially unknown why a ceremony dedicated to the work of the 16th Century Reformist was being held, along with a ceremonial bull burning and the inauguration of a statue of Martin Luther himself.

Upon investigation, our brave reporter uncovered that the ceremony was the result of an understandable blunder by the University’s artwork committee.

A source close to the administration revealed: “Well really, the university decided it had to make a gesture to show its Black students that it cared after this tumultuous year. A lot of options were considered, such as pledging to hire more black professors or better paying existing minority staff, but eventually they settled on something realistic and decided to put up another statue of MLK, in commemoration of Civil Rights and all that.” However, somewhere along the chain of command, a grave mistake was made, and the university accidentally commissioned a 10ft statue of Martin Luther, 16th Century Theologian, instead of Martin Luther King, 20th Century Civil Rights Activist.

“They realized they really didn’t have the budget left over after paying the VC close to half a million and spending hundreds of millions on fancy new buildings to make another statue, so they’re just rolling with it.”, the source concluded.

The Lampoon reached out to the University for a statement, but did not get a reply. Half an hour later, however, a note was stuck to our door with a knife. It was written in Medieval Latin, but luckily our Dead Languages correspondent was on hand to translate. Apparently, the note claims that the University has always been dedicated to Lutheranism, and its recent unveiling is fully in line with its values and not the result of an administrative blunder. The note then went on to apologize for the immolation of a live bull, explaining that someone had misunderstood what a papal bull was.

By press time, a protest had gathered around the new statue, demanding it be torn down. The protesters appeared to be holding up signs calling Martin Luther a ‘reformist degenerate’ and an antisemite. Our Protest Correspondent would attempt to further investigate, but they haven’t moved the smoldering bull carcass yet and he is feeling rather squeamish today.

Sabbatical officer elected on a 3% turnout vote “excited to represent the student body”

Every year, for some inconceivable reason, the Newcastle University Student’s Union holds student elections, where the most narcissistic students from every corner of the University’s social stratosphere scramble to engage about 5% of the student body in a desperate race to make their Uni experience “worth it”.

Several candidates vie for cushy positions where they do barely anything for a year, but only the fitte-*ahem*, “most-qualified” can shine above and haunt campus for another year.

The Lampoon recently had the privilege and honor of speaking to one of our fine, democratically elected Sabbatical Officers. Annyong Kunt, who ran un-opposed for the “Lightweight Students Representative” and still almost narrowly lost, with 36% of voters RON’ing him.

Speaking to our reporter in Luther’s, already pretty pissed from just 3 pints, Annyong claimed that he was “extremely chuffed to be doing this” and that he “couldn’t wait to speak for the fine students at Newcastle”, a whole 3% of which turned out to vote on his position.

“I love play-politics, man. I’m almost 26 and still clinging on to student life, and I get paid 19k for it! It’s the fucking dream.”, Mr. Kunt added.

By this point, Annyong had had 5 pints and was blackout drunk, which led to the interview having to be cut short. We are pleased to report that our reporter did manage to nick his wallet, however.

We talked to the grass sample garden guy because we’ll do anything for clicks

You may have recently seen the listing on CLTE advertising a “beautiful lawn” composed of a mosaic of fake grass samples, having to be passed on to someone who would continue the project after the proprietors left Newcastle. The post got over 1.5 thousand reacts, and upon seeing this our eyes went all big and dollar signs appeared on them, like something out of a cartoon. We at The Lampoon immediately tracked down the poster with the intent on capitalizing on their ingenuity by doing an interview with them, for the sole purpose of driving more traffic to our site; here is the result.

The Lampoon (TL): Tell us a little bit about yourself and your house, who are you guys?

Toby Curless
: We’re a house of five, all just graduated. Three of us have lived together since first year and the other two went to college with one of the boys.

TL: Where’d you guys get the idea? Who came up with it and how intoxicated were they when they got the idea?

Toby: I honestly have no clue how the idea came about. I just came into the kitchen one day and there was a small mound of AstroTurf in the corner. I think one of my housemates initially just started getting free samples of anything she could find delivered to our other housemate so that she’d have to go to reception to collect them. Eventually she decided that the turf was the most embarrassing thing to collect so she stuck with that. I think it was boredom not alcohol that started everything off to be honest.

TL: What was the goal when it initially started? Did you think it would get this big? Have you had to move it house to house over the years?

Toby: I’m pretty sure the goal was just to piss off my other housemate. It just naturally carried on. Every now and then a new chunk of lawn would arrive in our kitchen and it just became normal. We had to move it twice, last year wasn’t ideal, we didn’t really have a garden so I had 3 bags of AstroTurf in my wardrobe for a year. This year it escalated during first term and other people had samples delivered to their houses so that we could cheat the system. We did all say at the start of the year that it’d be nice when we had all finished exams to have barbecues in the yard and sit on the turf but COVID has put a stop to that.

TL: Where did you find the companies that sent you samples? Did they ever get suspicious/mad?

Toby: It just involved googling AstroTurf companies and signing up for free samples with every one we could find. [None of the companies] ever got mad but I was sitting on a bench outside Liberty Plaza in first year when a bright green car with AstroTurf on the roof pulled up next to me. The driver looked pretty confused when he realized that he was potentially going to give people in student accommodation a quote for a garden.

TL: Did your landlord ever have any problems with it? What do people say about it when they see it first?

Toby: The landlord this year has been alright with the grass, I think like most other people they just think it’s a bit weird. My mum told me I was a “fucking idiot” for keeping it in my room for a year, but I think she sees the funny side of it now.

TL: What’s the plan with it now? Have you found someone to pass the torch to?

Toby: The new tenants for our house recognised the turf from a viewing and got in touch asking if they could keep it going. We spoke about it and agreed that it would be easiest for us. Someone who works for our letting agency saw the post as well and got in touch with us and the new tenants and agreed that we could leave it in place for them. Hopefully the whole yard will be covered by the end of next year!

TL: Fake grass: shoes on or shoes off? Who makes the best and the worst fake grass? Do you get bugs on them?

Toby: Tricky one. The grass holds a fair amount of water so shoes on usually. Recently purchased a picnic blanket and put that over the grass which was a great shout, felt pretty real. I can’t remember which company gave which grass but there are some absolutely vile ones. You don’t really get bugs on top but because the turf is all loose, the bottoms can get pretty well inhabited.

And there you have it; as promised, an interview with someone who made a funny post. What more do you want from us? We’ve given you what you came for, leave now.

If you’re in the market for handmade earrings, check out Toby’s girlfriend’s earring business on Instagram at @hulahoopsbyal . We’re not getting paid for this promotion but we really wish we were.

Large disembodied head sculptures begin materialising all over campus

Reports have been emerging of large heads – not unlike the “Generation” sculptures outside the Students’ Union – materialising in places all over campus, as if out of thin air.

The Lampoon first caught wind of this strange phenomenon when a handful of submissions were posted on the Newfess II Facebook page asking if the three heads outside the SU were the only ones at the university. Initial reports emerged of heads being spotted near the Business School, but slowly sightings spread across campus, from heads on grass outside buildings to heads hidden in the back of lecture theatres.

The initial newfess.

Custodial staff at the Philip Robinson Library spoke to The Lampoon, stating that they had begun to see heads appearing almost instantly around the library while their backs were turned, from between shelves to inside study rooms. The heads were reported to be impossibly heavy and immovable. Some of them seemed to disappear and reappear, almost at random, while others seemed to stay. Upon reporting this to higher-ups, custodial staff were told to keep quiet, and to “simply go about their business as if they weren’t there”.

Some students still in university accommodation reported heads appearing in empty rooms, visible through open windows. A handful of reports even indicated appearances inside flat kitchens and laundry rooms, with the sculptures appearing only to move when not in line of sight. When approached for comment, first-year student Sophie Crane told us:

“It’s completely surreal, but one of those creepy heads from campus has just appeared in my flat. I called security about it, but when I informed them what the issue was they immediately hung up. Whenever I go down to reception they’ll pretend they can’t hear me and not let me in. I’m scared and confused. It’s just been waltzing around like it pays rent. I’ll see it standing still in front of the fridge or in the hallway, and I can hear the sound of a heavy rock-type object dragging itself along the hallway at night, but as soon as I try to look out, it’ll either have disappeared or will be motionless. What’s worse, my milk is being taken – I thought that after my flatmates left for lockdown this problem would finally stop, but it’s just been getting worse.”

In leaked correspondence between staff and university administration, the administration was quoted as sternly stating that, “Everybody needs to stop questioning these heads and allowing them to remain undisturbed. We’ve received multiple emails about these heads, but rest assured that it is none of your business and that we have the situation under control. Any further correspondence regarding this matter should be kept to yourself, and anyone caught harassing the heads will be reprimanded severely. And for your own sake, please do NOT touch them.”

The University did not respond to requests for comment. Our Eldritch Horrors correspondent did not take no for an answer, and barged into King’s Gate at the behest of the security. He was not heard from again. A photo he managed to send before he lost contact with the Lampoon office appeared to show a circle of stone heads surrounding a man on an altar, but was too blurry to make any conclusive inferences.

The Lampoon also attempted to contact the artist responsible for the original sculpture. Upon calling him we were informed by a hoarse voice that he “never existed” and to “not call back”. We were then immediately hung up on.

We would continue reporting as the story develops, but when any more writing or editing is attempted on this subject, our computers crash. Something tells us we should leave it alone.

Americans spoiled for choice with racist alleged rapist and racist alleged rapist

Despite the ongoing pandemic, campaigning for the US Election is in full swing, with alleged rapist and gaffe specialist Joe Biden taking on the incumbent alleged rapist and son of KKK member Donald Trump.

The candidates couldn’t be any more different, with Trump choosing to vilify black people by taking out front page ads calling for the death penalty for wrongfully convicted black youth, and Biden opting to do it by writing a crime bill that contributed to the disproportionate mass incarceration of African-Americans.

The startling contrast between the candidates is further demonstrated by the company they keep, with Trump hanging out with child sex-trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, describing him as a “terrific guy” and saying, “He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side.” Epstein “committed suicide” while in jail on suicide watch in August last year, after being arrested on sex-trafficking charges. Biden, on the other hand, keeps different company. He eulogized notorious senator Strom Thurmond, a man so racist he spent 24 hours filibustering the Civil Rights Act, calling him a “great man and a personal friend”. A “great man” who, at the age of 22, raped his family’s 15 year old (black) maid, impregnating her, and ran for President on a platform of racial segregation. Big differences visible here, as the rapists Trump hangs out with aren’t vocal racists.

The candidates stand pretty far apart on policy issues too, when you look at their record. Biden, on the one hand, has historically voted in favour of wars in the Middle East, in favour of the Patriot Act, in favour of the Drug War and doesn’t support Medicare for All. Trump, on the other hand, instead vocally supported wars in the Middle East, supported the Patriot Act, supported the Drug War and doesn’t support Medicare for All. Their stances on human rights are polar opposites too, with flagrant violations of human rights committed blatantly and openly under Trump. Under Trump, the immigrant crisis reached a new height, as it was revealed children were being seperated from thier parents and kept in cages at the border. Biden, in stark contrast, was Vice President when these cages were originally built and used for the same purpose.

Speaking to the Lampoon, American voter V. Rube explained why the choice was easy for him. “Well, I mean, I think it’s pretty straightforward who we need to vote in. Trump has been accused of sexual assault on 26 instances, while Biden’s really only been accused once or twice. As a conscionable guy I’ve gotta vote for the candidate who did the least sexual assault don’t I? Or, I guess I could vote for the guy that made ‘The Life of Pablo'”.

Which racist, rapist, imperialist murderer will win the hearts and minds of the American people this time? Keep posted as we bring you the latest in US election news, all of which belongs on a satire website at this point. Did we mention Kanye’s running?

In Memoriam: Ghislaine Maxwell

EDITOR’S NOTE: [DO NOT PUBLISH BEFORE THURSDAY]

British socialite and daughter of Robert Maxwell, MP and publishing tycoon with an outstanding record, passed away earlier today following complications from COVID-19/hanging herself [CHANGE ACCORDINGLY WHOEVER EDITS THIS!!] while in custody at Brooklyn’s Metropolitan Detention Centre.

As a socialite, Ghislaine rubbed shoulders with some of the biggest names in tech, acting, politics and even with royalty! A longtime friend of dreamboat Prince Andrew, Ghislaine has also been photographed with the likes of President Bill Clinton and President Donald Trump – talk about friends in high places! Ghislaine was known as exceptionally charming lady, being close personal friends with Hollywood big-names such as Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey, who’s best-known for playing a paedophile in American Beauty [1999] and his dedication to method acting. She was also associated with everyone’s favorite tech wonder-boy, Elon Musk, the man who will take us to Mars one day.

Best Buds!

Earlier this year, Maxwell was involved in a misunderstanding surrounding late financier Jeffrey Epstein.

Ghislaine was diagnosed with COVID-19 and placed in the highest level surveillance suicide watch earlier this week, over fears she would take her own life. Her ex-beau and “best friend” Jeffrey Epstein co-incidentally died in the same prison in August last year, after tragically hanging himself. It must have been hard for her to be in the place where he took his own life.

Ghislaine will be fondly remembered as a bubbly socialite, a successful business-woman and a certified #girlboss, who had some slight legal troubles. The Toon Lampoon would like to remind its readers that she was never convicted on a criminal charge and died an innocent woman.

It’s not just you – David Lynch is a pretentious hack

Hot take incoming, fuck David Lynch. Favorite “auteur” of insufferable pseuds around the globe, David Lynch is truly the best demonstration for the principle that volatility does not equal mystery.  

Lynch seems to think that if you pack enough clueless, mentally deranged and deeply disturbed characters doing enough deranged and disturbing things into two hours you have yourself a bonafide “psychological thriller”. What you actually get with Lynch is some sort of mishmash of fucked up characters and ideas that makes absolutely no sense and has no larger meaning beyond making you go “Oh wow, that’s strange.” Lynch fans love to call people who don’t worship him dumb, and not “enlightened” or “intellectual” enough to find deeper meaning in what is essentially pretentious shock-value. Look buddy, I like to stare at Laura Dern writhe around as much as the next guy, but there’s a limit.

There might be an argument to be made in favor of Lynch’s dreamy, stream-of-consciousness narratives from an “art-house” (whatever the hell that means) perspective, but there is nothing there for the viewer. It almost seems like a megalomaniacal effort, to create something that makes sense to nobody but you. The man didn’t shoot a film with a completed screenplay until 2006’s Inland Empire!  If you’re going to claim that your story makes any sense or has any thoughtful meaning beyond whatever you felt like at any instance during production, maybe write a fucking script before you start making the goddamn film! To Lynch, atmosphere building means stuffing in an abundance of naked fat women and strange, mentally disturbed men as background characters. 

This is what watching a Lynch film feels like.

Leave alone my expectations of a coherent plot, can we talk about Lynch’s weird fascination with bizarre violence and sexual deviancy? There are always some fucking wierdo rapists / general deviants, who get extremely and unpredictably violent, while maintaining an “aura of mystery” achieved by just being strange creeps. I’m honestly clueless as to what Lynch tries to do with these characters.

Don’t get me started on the violence. Lynch has some strange, strange ideas of blood and guts. I’m sure you could write volumes upon volumes on how nonsensical Lynch’s use of violence is. Sure, I’ll concede that it is absolutely gnarly to so frequently see people still conscious with their brains half damaged, stumbling about mumbling, but it is so out of place and pointless, it just makes you question why you’re being shown it. Wild at Heart (1990), contains scenes of a man being beaten until there’s a fist sized hole in his head, a man accidentally blasting his head off with a shotgun, with the head somehow staying intact but detaching from his neck, shooting into the air bringing the man’s esophagus with it, and another man writhing around in his own blood searching for his shot-off hand, which has been repossessed by a cute, hungry dog.

It just doesn’t make sense. It’s almost comical. In fact, it is comical. If David Lynch had made The Room, and just thrown in a few exploding body parts and strange hallucinations, they would’ve hailed it as a masterpiece for years. You know what? I think Lynch might be one of the greatest comedic directors out there.

Final thoughts: I hate to contradict myself, but David Lynch really is a master of cinema, and the only valid way to appreciate him is to go “Huh, that’s fucking weird”. It’s simply just absurdist comedy.