Boris Johnson’s appearance on Would I Lie To You branded a catastrophe

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s recent attempt to boost his flagging approval ratings by appearing on popular panel show Would I Lie To You? has been lambasted as “a catastrophe” by his own MPs. The issue lay in the fact that the Prime Minister seemed to fail to grasp the concept of the game.

The broadcast started well enough, with Johnson engaged in light banter with his teammates, comedian Lee Mack and celebrity chef Delia Smith. However, things went downhill for the embattled PM after being given the statement “I never hosted a Christmas party whilst the rest of London was in lockdown”.

Seemingly unable to grasp the premise of the game, the PM initially claimed that he had never even read the card, before accusing the other team of “playing politics“ when they attempted to question Johnson about the statement. In a startling turn of events, the Prime Minister then apologised unreservedly about jokes made by his teammate Lee Mack earlier in the program, despite remaining adamant that no jokes ever took place. Lee Mack was later seen in tears resigning from the show.

“Frankly I think it was a preposterous idea to even begin with,” opposition team captain David Mitchell told The Lampoon. “He’s the prime minister during a global pandemic, why is he appearing on a panel shows? This seems like the sort of ludicrous thing only invented in the minds of bored satirists, not real life.”

Featured Image: Ali Plumb on Twitter and Number 10 on Flickr, edited by Joe Molander (in a drug-induced haze)

Potential candidates for SNP leadership examined

Following the latest revelations coming out of the Holyrood inquiry into the allegations of inappropriate behaviour of former First Minister Alex Salmond, pressure has mounted on his successor Nicola Sturgeon, with some questioning how long she can remain in her position. With this in mind, The Lampoon has decided to examine the potential successors to the SNP leadership.

Robert Trout
Born in Aberdeen to a 10th generation computer programmer, he is widely seen as the front runner in any future leadership election. He finished second plaice in the 2014 leadership election which brought Nicola Sturgeon to power.

Margaret Squid
A hard-line nationalist originally from Glasgow who is seen as a favourite of the party’s bass. Her politics combine social liberalism with fishcal conservatism.

Alexander ‘Big Al’ Haddock
The sole MP on this list that has been tipped to have serious ambitions for leadership. Is seen as hoping to be able to mussel in on the popularity of the party in a post-Brexit UK.

James McDonnal
Not named after a fish, so has no fucking chance.

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Downing Street insiders confirm this all just elaborate way of checking Cummings’s hearing

Reports that the PM’s chief advisor Dominic Cummings is on his way out of 10 Downing Street have been strongly denied, sources close to Mr Johnson have told The Lampoon.

Indeed, a number of sources have clarified that the events of the last 48 hours, including the apparent departure of one of Mr Johnson’s chief aids, are nothing more than Mr Cummings testing his hearing.

“Look, we all know that Dominic likes to do things differently,” says Tory minister Ima Lone. “The alliance between Mr Johnson and Dominic is here for the long run. It is a rock solid political marriage. Trust me, the PM knows about strong marriages, he’s ruined a few himself.”

 “The Lampoon? Never heard of it,” said Mr Cummings when asked to comment, appearing to support the claims that he is losing his hearing.

Trump campaign appeals to pet owners with new dogwhistle for 2020

In the last fortnight a number of dire polls have dented President Trump’s hopes for re-election in November. Reports have, however, reached The Lampoon that staffers on the Trump campaign are putting their hopes in a new Canine Auditory Device that they hope will sway large numbers of Americans back to the Republican side.

Trump campaign advisor A.S. Holl told The Lampoon, “We have got great hopes that Americans will be responsive to this new dogwhistle from the President. We feel that the mood of large parts of the country has made them open to what we are trying to sell them.”

Indeed, during the 2016 election campaign The Lampoon saw evidence of a large-scale acceptance and uptake of all the dogwhistles that then-candidate Trump was selling, especially those that were aimed at female and Mexican dogs.

However, insider voices tell The Lampoon that some concern surrounds the launch due to the mixed reception that met dogwhistles in 2018. This concern, in addition to the changing social environment in the US, has led to President Trump taking charge of crafting all dogwhistles for 2020. Indeed, he has already been spotted testing out key components at rallies to his supporters over the weekend.

Journalists in 2050 insisting Newcastle United takeover imminent

This report has been sent to us from thirty years in the future, which means The Lampoon will run at least thirty years longer than expected.

In a stunning turn of events, recent leaks to The Lampoon suggest news of a potential Saudi takeover of Newcastle United could be imminent.

Representatives from the Saudi sovereign wealth fund began their attempt to remove from ownership sports tycoon and Victorian workhouse aficionado Mike Ashley in January 2019. Now, only 1656 weeks later, recent rumours have led some fans to believe that the wait may be over.

The main issue with the takeover is the political rivalry between the Saudis and the Qataris, specifically involving issues around TV rights and piracy. “When I took this job I thought I was just box ticking,” says Premier League representative D. Runkard. “But instead, I’m having to sort out Gulf state conflicts. Who knew the Middle East was so complicated?”

The other main stumbling block behind the Newcastle takeover is that for the past 18 years, communications from Mike Ashley have dried up. “He certainly has been playing hardball with us,” an unnamed Saudi representative told The Lampoon. “But I suppose that’s to be expected when one party in the negotiations has been dead for 18 years.”