Alternate universe where Marianne Williamson is president makes contact with extraterrestrial beings

Our transdimensional politics correspondent reports from pocket universe X-56-B (local year 2023 AD), where Democratic candidate Marianne Williamson beat out Federalist Party candidate Donald Trump in the 2021 Unified States presidential election.

Marianne Williamson, dubbed “Mothership Marianne” by her supporters, has been shaking up the political scene in pocket universe X-56-B for a while now, but in the past week she has lived up to her nickname by being the first world leader to make contact with extraterrestrial life.

Her first act as president was to transform NASA into the North American Metaphysical Manipulation Association (NAMMA). Commentators have suggested Williamson believes space travel is merely the first step in humanity accessing the wider universe, and influential pop culture star and talk show host Q-anon claims they have recordings of the Mothership stating, “Space is the final frontier? It’s, like, the 5th frontier in at least 23 we need to explore”.

The eerie speed at which NAMMA was able to build intergalactic communication has been attributed to Williamson’s open embrace of a second, deeper state nicknamed “the Marianne Trench”. The organisation, officially named The Phenomenal Congress, is responsible for drafting laws of physics, and Williamson’s position of “a new, more open politics” has allowed them to work at incredible speed, introducing new legislation that allows for previously impossible technology.

The new machine, which has no name nor obvious energy source, has allowed Williamson and her crack team of researchers to set up a Zoom call with the representatives of a lunar system in the vicinity of Pleiades. The aliens, who look similar to 9-foot tall Swedish figure skaters and shine impossibly pure light out of their seven navels, appear to have peaceful intentions towards Earth.

Translation has been somewhat difficult, as the aliens seem to make no distinction between verbs and nouns, though Williamson herself has shown an innate grasp of their language. Cross-cultural interaction has been attempted to varying levels of success, though the aliens expressed familiarity with some of Earth’s religious scripts, and seemed to approve of Indonesian gamelan music.

NAMMA is now working on breaching light speed, so as to be able to meet with the aliens for a game of tennis.

Pre-made category for “food, rents, monthly bills” on fundraising websites simply the best system we have

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give” – Winston Churchill.

I think the quote above speaks volumes. This is the greatest man this world has ever seen, articulating so precisely the beauty of charity. In an act of giving, we receive so much. This is why I was filled with such joy upon seeing that popular fundraising site GoFundMe has added a premade category for campaigns related to “food, rent, and monthly bills”.

Clearly welfare systems are not working – who would’ve guessed that socialist or Maoist-communist measures such as Universal Credit aren’t viable? So, those struggling must turn to other avenues. Historically – and, it appears, presently too – this has meant relying on the generosity of well-meaning members of our society who have the wherewithal to pass on a little of the wealth they’ve worked diligently to earn.

Charity is great! Charity online is greater!

Society’s Have-Nots now don’t have to submit themselves to the embarrassment of grovelling for cash. Sites like GoFundMe make it simpler than ever to ask others for the money required to pay for your survival. The campaigns take minutes to set up, and put a friendly computer screen between you and any unpleasant face-to-face interaction. GoFundMe has also made charity intersectional! Where once the act of giving was confined to the old white men who have the cultural clout to earn enough to spare a little, fundraising sites often provide an easy shareable link. Now fundraisers can access anybody on social media, and the beautiful act of giving has been opened up to anyone with a Facebook account, not just privileged millionaires and billionaires. It’s a win for everyone.

Socialists who wish to turn capitalism into the Mongolian-style Marxist communism of Khorloogiin Choibalsan have no feet to stand on. Their tired argument of “capitalism doesn’t provide for everyone in society” is completely negated by the ever-increasing prevalence of fundraisers to cover people’s basic needs. Why would we ever need welfare systems when there are tens of millionaires ready to funnel their cash into charitable causes? Welfare systems and socialist communism in the style of Kiro Gligorov take away a citizen’s right to giving. How could we do charity if the state is already giving people what they require to live healthily and happily?

As the great Winston Churchill said at the beginning of the article, “we make a life by what we give”. The Marxist social “democracy” of figures like Tachat Sargsyan fundamentally makes it impossible for humans to make a life. Charity under capitalism is simply the only system available.

Languages student used by friends to translate foreign memes

Reports have come in to The Lampoon of a first year Modern Languages student being used by his friends to translate memes and funny videos into English.

The student, who wishes to remain nameless, has complained to The Lampoon of feeling like “a tool”. He said:

“I don’t understand why they don’t just use Google Translate. I guess it’s harder for the videos if there’s no transcript, but they seem to assume I’ve got a comprehensive knowledge of colloquial world Spanish. I’m not even that good at my degree, I mostly coasted it in first year.

I don’t entirely mind helping them out – it can be funny for me too – but most of the time my friends aren’t even polite about it. They just message me the meme and say ‘Translate it now.’, which obviously wouldn’t make me feel appreciated.

Do they know I have a deep interest in French Carribean poetry? No. They just want to know what “ya guey kulia” means.”

One of the many Spanish language memes the student was requested to translate.

The Toon Lampoon has approached the student wellbeing team and the office of the school of Modern Languages for comment. They did not respond.

Man in six year coma contacted through satirical student publication

In a groundbreaking use of advanced neuroscience techniques, doctors have managed to make contact with a man who has been in a coma for six years.

Following a tragic 2014 car accident in which two others died, Robert Thresham of Somerset went into a coma. After a grueling six years of next to no improvement in his condition and with the permission of his family, a team at Lancaster University used newly developed technology to ‘hack’ into the dream centre of Mr. Thresham’s brain in order to relay a message designed to stir him into waking up. The team targeted the dream centre specifically as scans showed intense activity in that area, suggesting Mr. Thresham may be dreaming up an entirely new existence for himself whilst in the coma, not uncommon for coma victims. As a result the message would need to be able to adapt to this separate reality coherently.

This is that message.

It’s us, Robert. Wake up.

Your family need you. Your children need their daddy back. Graham needs his husband back.

If you somehow get this message – we don’t know what form it will be in – please wake up.

None of this is real.

Everybody misses you.

Medical Mystery Affects Newcastle Partygoers

Doctors are puzzled at a wave of drug-like symptoms affecting students on nights out in Newcastle’s clubs and bars, despite them having not taken anything.

Witnesses describe seeing people exhibiting the telltale signs of drug use – dilated pupils, sweating, uncontrollable movement of the jaw, an overly-friendly disposition towards strangers – who when questioned, are adamant that they haven’t used drugs. The majority of reports come from bouncers who man the doors of the city’s famous clubs. We approached Philip Cleavey of Killingworth, a bouncer at an anonymous student favourite for a comment. This is what he had to say:

“You see a few lads and a lasses every night, obviously on something or other. We have to ask if they’ve taken anything because it’s a safety thing – if they overdose or whatever in the club, then the owners are liable and could have their license removed. You get used to seeing it.

What began surprising me was when I would ask these lads and lasses if they’d taken anything that night, and they’d tell me no. I couldn’t believe it; eyes as wide as saucers but they’d only had a few trebs?

I was shocked. I had to let the RVI [Royal Victoria Infirmary] know right away. Obviously something wasn’t right. What could be causing these symptoms? They hadn’t taken any drugs – I was told as much by them – and as dodgy as they taste, a treb won’t do that to you.”

Philip Cleavey

A team of pharmacologists and toxicologists at Newcastle University are looking into this strange phenomenon. As of yet they have not found the cause of the problem.

Travel Retrospective: Antarctica

As the jetsetting travel correspondent for the Toon Lampoon, I’m regularly lucky enough to see exotic and exciting places across the world. I’ve travelled to every continent, to every country in the EU, I’ve been to jungles and deserts. Now, I get to say I’ve been to the last truly wild place on Earth.

When our editor told me of the opportunity to travel to Antarctica to do a joint piece with our science correspondent, I jumped at the chance. The idea of shadowing a scientific expedition intrigued me. I was to join a group of researchers from a university in Massachusetts who were intending to survey uncharted parts of the Southern continent. It would seem ludicrous that in this age of satellite imaging there would be unexplored areas of the Earth’s surface, but as one of the team’s geographers explained to me, some mostly mysterious magnetic forces at the pole means images often come up distorted and useless.

A research vessel not unlike the one we travelled on.

We travelled by boat. A plane big enough to carry all of us and our equipment would not have been allowed to land on Antarctica due to its strict environmental protections. We launched from New Zealand, traversing the Southern Ocean with the intention to land at Zuchelli Station. It’s a permanent research post run by the Italians, and would be where I’d call home for a week or so whilst we set up our equipment and prepared for the expedition. However, conditions were particularly rough on the waters as the boat approached, and we failed to receive radio contact from anyone there. Instead, we had to sail further into the Ross Archipelago to the US-run McMurdo Station. It was from here that the journey began.

People always assume Antarctica is a completely frozen land. Most of it is, but in the coastal areas – warmed by the ocean – temperatures can rise just enough for the frost to melt, exposing the jet black rock underneath. It’s a strange type of rock, unlike anything I’ve seen. It’s surprisingly smooth, despite being untouched by geomorphic processes in this eerily still continent. Sometimes the rock even appears to bulge and flinch out the corner of your eye due to (the team’s geologist informed me) thermal processes within the rock’s chemical structure. The rock has an odd aura too it, as if it doesn’t want to be exposed to sunlight. I hate to anthropomorphise minerals, but that’s the only way I can accurately describe it.

There’s something strange about the rock on Antarctica.

We were heading South, towards the pole. Past the rocky shores the landscape gives way to the polar wastes. Vast white sheets of nothing, broken up in part by occasional craggy mountain ranges. To use a cliché, it truly must be seen to be believed. Language is not advanced enough of a tool to express clearly what it feels like to be there. The wind whips incessantly, and sounds like the roaring of some huge beast. The environment is so hostile it triggers some base psychological reaction. You feel watched, though from where in this endless expanse you do not know. You feel like you are being told by this place that you are making an affront to the Creator. A human in a decidedly inhuman place.

The days drag on in Antarctica. The sixth months of daylight in Summer are not bright, but 24 hours of infinite dusk. It doesn’t feel like night or day, but like purgatory. We could travel in the jeeps for what felt like weeks only to find we’d been going 2 days. It was worse to find out it had been 2 hours.

How long has it been like this?

As the pole grew nearer – or, at least, our navigation equipment told us it was drawing closer – members of our teams began to have breaks. The biologist, a young post-grad from a university in Germany began to complain that her teeth and eyes felt like they were growing. She said the sensation was unbearable. Once in camp, the geologist had to restrain her. They found her missing two incisors and a canine, bloody pliers in hand.

Officially 5 weeks into the expedition, we came across a crevasse emitting a low rumbling noise. The leader of the expedition, a quiet veteran of the continent said nothing except to ignore it and be extremely careful not to look directly into it. I dreamed of that crevasse for days after.

What was down there?

At some point between week 6 and week 9 (our electronic clocks and calendars began behaving erratically, displaying days that couldn’t exist and years far into the future), we came across a seal carcass in the path of our vehicles. The bloated corpse of this sea mammal was hundreds of miles from the ocean. I stepped out onto the plateau to get a closer look, and saw its belly was gashed open. Inside was a mass of writhing tendons.

Oh God, the tendons.

I wish I did not remember the tendons.

Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh GodOh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God

Don’t travel to Antarctica. The shapes there aren’t real. Time exists in a loop in a loop in a loop in a loop.

I don’t know how I got back. I just awoke here at my desk. I feel inconceivably compelled to write this article. Antarctica doesn’t want you there please don’t go there don’t listen to anyone who says you should go there please please please please I beg you, the continent begs you it tells you it commands you please don’t travel there it’s entirely not worth it you’ll regret it oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god.

Antarctica: 3/5

The best new films this July

As lockdown continues, many enthusiasts are turning more and more to films to waste their time with. Here are the Toon Lampoon’s recent top three:

1. Clingfilm

Clingfilm looks silver on the roll but is actually transparent. Funny how that happens.

Where to begin? Clingfilm is a classic. Used in kitchens across the world to help in the preservation of food. Its malleability and self-adhesive qualities make it perfect for closing and covering all types of containers and food items. American readers may know this better as Saran wrap, a classic example of the country’s tendency towards brand genericisation.

Clingfilm has also been employed in other areas such as dressing burn wounds or new tattoos. Truly a versatile film. However, it does often stick to itself, which is annoying.

4/5

2. Soap film

A bubble, but really up close. Looks like pride month on Jupiter.

I have no formal film studies training. As an amateur film appreciator, I couldn’t explain the science behind soap film, but I know it’s very pretty. Soap films are crucial in the formation of bubbles and foams. Something on the molecular level in its structure messes with light waves and causes soap films to have beautiful iridescent colours not unlike a rainbow. Imagine where we’d be without rainbows and bubbles?

3.5/5

3. Photographic film

Do you ever look at your phone camera and think: “Wow, I wish there was a much less convenient way of doing this with thin strips of chemically-coated plastic”?

Claude de Burgundy, we think. Rather ironically he refused to have his image put on photographic film, due to fears of it stealing part of his soul.

Well, 570 years ago that very thing existed. Renaissance inventor Claude de Burgundy found out a way to transfer light onto photographic film, and so capture images of real life scenes. Obviously, this didn’t catch on for a few centuries – the general public found they preferred the look of paintings – until 1936 when American artist Jonathan Bigsmal thought it would be funny to unearth this ancient piece of technology for a satirical art show. The rest is history.

In recent years, creative artists have been experimenting with looking at different photographic film images really quickly one after another until it looks like the images are moving. Critics say the potential to tell stories about super-powered humans and pro-US military propaganda is huge. At The Toon Lampoon we are just as excited.

5/5

The woke graphic tee: New look for AW20/21

As summer reaches its height, discerning fashionistas are looking to the upcoming trends for the next season. Exciting new brands are taking inspiration from global political upheavals , showing not only their committment to producing high quality garments, but also to pretending like they give a shit about anything other than money.

Fresh new Spanish fashion house Casa tetona have announced their new line of graphic tees, emblazoned with feminist and anti-racist slogans so that you can signal your support for such causes by buying clothes produced by exploited women in the Indian subcontinent.

‘#LaJefa tee, signalling that you still exercise class power over others, but in a feminist way.

A startup in America called State Department has also announced a bold new line of garments in response to the Black Lives Matter movement, with shirts and accessories featuring phrases like “I promise I sincerely care about minority groups” and “Voting for an establishment stooge is the only way to effect social change, please trust me”.

The creatives at state department keep their identities hidden, but we know that they are based in Washington.

 

Our favourite woke fashion line at the Toon Lampoon is from online store Konsum based out of Berlin. They sell trendy and minimalist tees, and their exciting AW20/21 line consists of one shirt, printed on the front with “I support any and all pertinent social progressive movements”, and on the back with “fuck you, buy our shit, wagie”.

Graphic tees are a great way to update a basic casual look to show people you truly are committed to making the world a better place, through the medium of spectacle and consumption.

Discovery of doppelganger Newcastle throws city’s name into question

In the early hours of Wednesday morning, a team of researchers trialing satellite imaging technology stumbled upon a ‘copy’ of Newcastle in the rainforests of Oaxaca, Southern Mexico. The doppelganger city appeared to have sprung up out of the trees, seemingly overnight.

Archaeologists are puzzled; There is no record of the doppelganger in the area, yet preliminary carbon dating would suggest some of the buildings can be traced back to the first century AD, which would place it as being older than Newcastle, Tyne and Wear, by at least 100 years.

Historians, planners, and the local bureaucracy are now locked in debates over the naming of the ‘new’ city. In meetings conducted over Zoom, one councillor suggested it be named “New Newcastle”. He was counterpointed by the data presenting it to be an older city than the ‘original’, and that Newcastle, Tyne and Wear should instead be renamed fittingly. “Oldcastle” was suggested too, although it was observed that the castle in the city is still the newer of castles situated there, and such a name would not accurately reflect local history. Tensions grew between attendees when one local government official suggested the city be named “Nuevo Castillo”, as it is technically a Mexican city. This angered several representatives of the local indigenous population who wished for the city to be named in one of the many small local languages. This debate was halted by the revelation that all signage in the city was in fact in Standard English.

At press time, a representative from the UK Government confirmed the government is looking into the legality of exercising jurisdiction over the city and the rain forest, and was quoted as saying: “It seems like as good a time as any to get the band back together and get the Empire back up and running. I mean, that’s our city, why shouldn’t we gain free license to use all the natural resources in that rain forest?”

As of yet no name has been decided on for the doppelganger city. Researchers are still trying to determine the process by which it so suddenly appeared, and why a copy of Newcastle-Upon-Tyne would spring up in the jungles of South Mexico.