Metro Kieran opens up about looming trial

Metro Kieran, current Community Students Officer of Newcastle University Students’ Union, is currently awaiting a trial by NUSU’s Student Council for unspecified reasons. Since Metro Kieran is a former neighbour of mine and there is a possibility he might wield extreme political power in the future, the Lampoon decided I should talk to him – just in case he decides to award us a shipbuilding contract or something in the future.

This interview was transcribed verbatim. The source video is not legal to publish for reasons my therapist would rather I do not disclose.

What sort of trial is this that you are going to be the defendent in?

Metro Kieran: “This is an impeachment trial and a censorship of Metro Kieran, as he carries out the will of the very fine student people of Newcastle University. Very bad forces in Big Council are forming to try and prevent him pushing through the reforms the People want and usurp his authority.”

“Metro Kieran started his political career as a simple man who wanted to improve the lives of those around him, bringing together both the yellow and green lines of the Metro but has run afoul of those who oppose him. Big Council has their own dark agenda to destroy the hopes and dreams of students and to suppress the freedom of students. This is a massive witch hunt; they’re trying to divert attention away from themselves. What are they hiding? What have the done? Are they hiding the fact they have done nothing? Students need to rise up and fight this, on every level before they lose the greatest PTO they ever had.”

(At this point, Metro Kieran showed me his chest tattoo: ‘Please Turn Officer’ in Gothic script.) [note: would this be funnier if it said “please turn over”?]

Why are you being impeached?.

Metro Kieran: “Jealousy, plain and simple. Metro Kieran is loved by all at Newcastle University, nobody loves Big Council. Never has a PTO been loved as much as Metro Kieran. It is a shameless, unconstitutional power grab from an illegitimate agency. NUSU has failed Metro Kieran but he will not fail you; do not fear.”

What are the consequences of being found guilty?

Metro Kieran: “To Metro Kieran’s knowledge, there are no consequences of being found guilty. This is irrelevant anyway because Metro Kieran is 100% innocent. Besides, it’s not like anyone knows what happens at Big Council and therefore Metro Kieran has not bothered to find out either, he is truly a man of the people. The other reason is that, despite being a shady deep-state organisation, Big Council have no real power and they are cannot achieve anything anyway.”

Do you have any plans in the work for your (presumably inevitable) staying in office?

Metro Kieran: “Metro Kieran’s retaliation will be sharp and swift, without mercy and without hesitation. It’s important that people realise this and pick the winning side in the upcoming struggle before it is too late. After all, we all know that I’ll [REDACTED] anyone who aligns themselves with Big Council as well as [DATA EXPUNGED] to their loved ones.”

How are you feeling about your re-election campaign? Will the trial hurt your chances of holding on to your seat?

Metro Kieran: “Metro Kieran only has one opponent in the upcoming election. Since everyone loves Metro Kieran (or doesn’t care enough to run against him), Metro Kieran will only have to face every candidates mortal enemy: Ron. However Metro Kieran is a sporting man and thus will run a ‘Vote for Ron’ campaign concurrently with his re-election campaign in the interests of scaring Big Council with his commitment to democracy.”

“Metro Kieran can confidently state that his election was won fairly, he will not say this for the other elected officials. Are people looking into this? No. Should they? Maybe. Metro Kieran doesn’t get to decide but he knows what he would do if he did.”

Tits or ass?

Metro Kieran: “For legal reasons, Metro Kieran rejects the notion of calling anyone on Big Council a tit or an ass.”

Worst night out in Newcastle?

Metro Kieran: “Unfortunately every night out is a bad night where it’s illegal to drink on the Metro. Metro Kieran dreams of a world where locals and students alike can delight in openly drinking half a bottle of Smirnoff on the journey from West Jesmond to Central, instead of hiding their journey juice like a blood diamond miner in Zimbabwe.”

Would you recommend a career in student politics to our readers?

Metro Kieran: “Metro Kieran welcomes healthy competition from similarly-Metro-minded people in order to promote public transport amonst the student electorate. However, in an ideal world, Metro Kieran would be the only student in student politics, in order to avoid needless conflicts and/or performance reviews.”

Anything you’d like to share in an official capacity?

Metro Kieran: “Metro apologises, there are delays to services due to leaves on the track between Gateshead Stadium and Pelaw, we apologise for any inconvenience caused.”

At this point, Metro Kieran had to leave after being notified that the Auditor Seat was about to kidnap his girlfriend Ketty Metty. He visually implied that we were never to contact him again.

Geordie mukbang youtuber sacked by Teeside agency after claiming “Parmos are a Geordie thing”

Geordie mukbang YouTuber, ClamminSam, who has two million subscribers, revealed on the 20th of January that her Teeside agency had sacked her for claiming that the parmo was a “Geordie creation”.

On the 16th of January, Sam uploaded a video of her eating a classic parmo, a hotshot parmo, a BBQ parmo, a parmo Kiev, a bolognese parmo, and a meat feast parmo, as one of many videos demonstrating her possession of an inhuman gastric-Bag-of-Holding. Unfortunately for her, an argument broke out in the comment section over the provenance of the parmo and she ‘liked’ a comment that stated “I was angry that people from Teeside claimed the parmo for themselves but I’m happy you posted a video of you somehow scranning down half a dozen of them.

The fighting only intensified, with the YouTuber becoming the subject of various attacks on social media, including in the comments of her own videos. Many Smoggies, seemingly with a lot of free time, spammed her with malicious comments, which caught the attention of her agency.

Sam personally weighed in on the controversy via a post on her channel. She explained that she meant no disrespect to Teesiders and that she respected their culture but “the parmo is 100% a Geordie thing, you wouldn’t try and take pasta from the Italian-Americans would you”. She then added that her agency, which managed her social media platforms, had terminated her contract on the 19th of January.

According to a statement from the agency, Sam’s comments had had a huge impact on the Teeside people and that they could not continue to promote her in Teeside in good conscience.

Sam responded by apologising for any misunderstanding that hurt her Teeside fans but would not want to be promoted in Teeside if she had to claim that parmos are from Middlesbrough. She posted “If I have to say that parmo is a Teeside creation, then I choose not to be promoted in Teeside. I hope that Teeside netizens understand that Teeside YouTubers do not need to say Teeside food is Geordie to be popular here.”

The USA might have a new president but there is one thing you cannot forget

There are 48 million kangaroos in Australia and only 3,518,552 people in Uruguay.

If the kangaroos decided to invade Uruguay, each member of the population would have to defeat over 13.6 kangaroos each. Of course, only able bodied adults would be able to fight and so the true number of kangaroos needing defeating per capita would be much higher.

A large male kangaroo can be over 2m tall and weigh 90kg. Do not be fooled however: that 90kg is pure muscle. Adult male kangaroos will box each other until one falls down, gives up, or dies. These savage beasts will eviscerate a person with their razor-sharp claws if they perceive them as a threat to their young, their food, or their God-given territory in South America (specifically the country bordered by Argentina and Brazil).

It is easy to see why the kangaroos might try and take over their Promised Land. Uruguay ranks as one of the most progessive countries in the world, and the most in South America. The production, sale, and consumption of cannabis is legal. Same-sex marriage is legal. Abortion is legal. Perhaps most importantly, Uruguay is ranked first in South America for press freedom, much to the relief of this writer should he need to flee the UK.

Some might have thought that the USA and the world would have become completely perfect overnight with the inauguration of President Biden. The truth is that Uruguayans live under the constant threat of having to fight over 13 kangaroos each to the death in order to retain control of their country.

The worst bit is that they might very well have to do it alone. Unfortunately, in 2018, Unión de Naciones Suramericanas (Union of South American Nations) collapsed after a suggestion from then-Uruguayan-president Tabaré Vázquez to expand the common-defense remit of the Consejo de Defensa Suramericano (Council of South American Defense) to include invasion of any member state by foreign marsupials.

At the end of the day, we all know the mankind-macropod military action will happen at some point. One can only hope that both sides respect the Geneva Convention, if only in order to avoid the brutality witnessed in the last war against Australian wildlife, the Emu War.

Newcastle University student endures yet more prejudice following term abroad

A student at Newcastle University has been left “reeling” after a scathing assault following her return from her term abroad. The assault has since been labelled a hate crime.

Rosamund Arabella Humphreys, 21, of Royal Tunbridge Wells, was viciously attacked by a so-called friend (who cannot be named for legal reasons) in the early afternoon of 29 December.

Rosamund, who studies French & Philosophy, was in the process of moving back into her flat for the new year in West Jesmond when the verbal tirade occured. Her assailant greeted her, allegedly asking “How was being an immigrant for a term then?”.

Rosamund is white. Thankfully she survived this devastating attack and called 999 to her address before losing consciousness. The assailant was denied bail and will remain in custody until the trial.

A local middle class person informed this reporter, “As you know, if you’re not a person of colour then you’re physically incapable of being an ‘immigrant’ and to refer to someone as such is equal to slashing at them with a knife.”

“The only people who are ‘immigrants’ are the ones towards the bad end of Border Force’s Dulux charts. White people are only ever ‘expats’, since being an immigrant is a dirty thing.”

Local man “outraged” over quotes appearing verbatim in News article

Local man Jay Fox, 42, has told the Lampoon that he was “outraged” after his comments to a local reporter were reported verbatim in her article.

The reporter asked Mr Fox about relations between people who stand up to wipe after using the toilet and people who sit down to wipe after using the toilet. He stated in his correspondence with her “in terms of relations between [these groups], I believe there are none”.

The reporter, who wished to remain nameless despite the fact it might get her article some traffic, duly inserted this quote ino the article. The quote was selected on account of it being from a local busybody and thus someone of importance in local news.

Mr Fox proceeded to slam the reporter in in the comments of the article, allegedly directing his friends to do the same.

We at the Lampoon wholeheartedly support Mr Fox. The fight against having words reported as they were said is a noble cause, and we believe Mr Fox’s cry for justice.

Local man begins quest to become “most anti-social person in the city”

Local man Jake Cox, 49, announced on his blog last night that he is “going to be the most anti-social person in the Newcastle-upon-Tyne by the end of the year”.

In a rambling diatribe, Cox denounced all 60,000 students in the city, calling them “lazy postmodern neo-Marxists” and claiming “they make the city literally uninhabitable”. These are interesting claims, since Cox himself is a postgraduate student at Newcastle University.

Cox has promised to “show you all how a real man pisses people off” and that “it’s all fun and games vomiting in the back alley in your underwear, wait until I’m setting off fireworks at 4am and shitting on your porch”.

Whilst us anarcho-anarchists (and Christopher Dorner fans) at the Lampoon can certainly admire the sheer courage it takes to go all-out and just give people hell, we do worry about the effects Cox’s rampage will have on the local curtain twitchers, since instead of all students causing anti-social behaviour, it will be a small minority ruining things for everyone.

Newcastle University’s Head of Mechanical Engineering defends use of antiquated machinery

The Head of Newcastle University’s Mechanical Engineering Department has published a scathing tirade online slamming the University’s new policy on heavy machinery. The policy, written by the Executive Board and released by jazz-artist-cum-Vice-Chancellor Chris Day this week, states that all equipment used by staff and students must have modern safety features in order to avoid causing “any harm, serious injury, or death to the operator and/or bystanders”.

In a long, rambling blog post, Professor D. Glover stated, “The university mandating the use of machinery with modern safety features belittles the faculty and students, denying us the freedom to choose to chop various appendages off or have our skin flayed from our bodies.”

He added, “The University’s Executive Board are a bunch of fearmongers; less than 1% of people were fatally injured by the machines before this forceful and probably illegal interference between man and his appliances.”

Opinion: why being a student landlord is the new punk

When you first come to university, it’s only natural to want to reinvent yourself. The only problem is that being an “edgy Communist” is actually pretty common these days, to the point of cliché. To be punk is to be subversive and abnormal. You should make the average person consider crossing the road when you walk down the street. When you tell people at a party about what you do, they should make their excuses and find someone else to talk to.

Therefore, I propose that the new “punk” is being a student landlord.

I mean, think about it. Just the mere thought of a person providing property to a person for profit is going to trigger your average Marxist-Leninist student (and make the Marxist-Leninists with Chinese characteristics murderous). Those bleeding-heart progressives surely won’t want to associate with you, thus making your possession of a property portfolio counterculture.

And so, the rub. How does one become a landlord? Well, according to Newfess #NFII21990, you should just buy a cheap property. There was some waffle in the comments about needing an income to obtain a mortgage and needing a deposit of several thousands of pounds but that’s small stuff, don’t sweat it.

Vice-Chancellor releases smooth jazz album to help students and staff relax

Vice-Chancellor Chris Day has released a free smooth jazz album for Newcastle University students and staff, in order to help them relax in these “trying times”.

In a statement on Twitter, Professor Day said “After the wild success of the toad poem, I knew more would have to be done eventually to help assuage the fears of our staff and students in the current climate. Thankfully, due to my modest income, I was able to hire a reasonably priced saxophone teacher and backing band, as well as legendary producer Nile Rodgers, to give life to this passion project.

“I want the absolute best for the university and its denizens, so long as the money keeps rolling in.” Professor Day added “I know that staff are worried about their income and the future of their work, for this I recommend track five, Hard Work ft. Theo Katzman.

“Many of our students are concerned about their education. They’re worried about the quality of the teaching they’ll receive remotely, given that we’ve told students for years that just watching the ReCap isn’t sufficient. They also fear for their employability once they’ve graduated, as many won’t receive the same level of practical experience as they would have in the before times.”

Our reporter couldn’t find any more of the Vice-Chancellor’s statement. At The Lampoon, we can’t believe he’d just not address students’ concerns, so it’s probably Twitter making a mistake, right? Right?

The Needle Drop gave the album a “strong 3” whilst Pitchfork gave it a 3.2.