The Column Column – Clasp

I’m back.

Like the at-risk-Tory-aunt-who-thinks-COVID-19-is-a-hoax-but-then-went-MIA-making-you- (secretly)-hope-she’d-died-but-then-turns-up-at-Christmas-with-her-snot-nosed-goblin-spawn-and-gives-you-a-non-consensual-hug, I’m back.

I’m back to educate you on all things columns, a topic I really don’t know anything about. And with no-one heading back to campus anytime soon, it’s time to reminisce about something no-one likes.

Clasp

If you’re like me until recently, you’ll have no idea what Clasp is. Well, turns out it’s that pile of rusty cubes in the middle of campus that looks like a Jenga game abandoned halfway through. From the sculpture Antony Gormley, the guy behind that T-posing angel, Clasp is a testament of everything it means to be a student.

A waste of money.

It’s nice to know my university experience is being invested in a stack of oxo cubes.

Pros

Um.

Uhhhh.

Hmmmm.

Decent spot to meet people?

Cons

I would need an entirely new column for this.

Taste

Kinda rusty and bland. Needs seasoning with some actual education.

Ability to withstand a punch.

Tried to make the journey for this test but Boris stopped me stating that “going to punch a statue is not a valid reason to travel”.

FINAL SCORE: £9250/£9250 of our degrees spent on it.

The Column Column – Grey’s Monument

Ah yes, the humble column. A wall if a wall was a tube you could walk past and not really a wall. Able to support at least five grams of weight, maybe even more, columns are truly a pillar of modern architecture and deserve every ounce of your respect.

So why am I talking to you today? To be truthful, I don’t know: I don’t do architecture. I’m not really sure what a column is. But what I do know is that big pillars of rock are very cool, and it is about time you all learnt that. Prepare your butts for an experience that will leave you rock hard as I give a run down of all the best columns in the world. Today, we focus on a local landmark.

Grey’s Monument

There’s no better place to start than the long shaft of Charles Grey, the 2^nd Earl Grey, known as Grey’s Monument. It was first erected in 1838 and rumour has it that it’s a great spot to have a cry.

Pros

Named after a guy who abolished slavery. Pretty good that.

The lad also has a flavour of tea named after him, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it’s called. Maybe it’s green?

Cons

Too tall.

Taste

Went in expecting a tea flavour, all I got was Greggs sausage roll.

Ability to withstand a punch

I’m pretty sure it shifted a little so I’ll call this one a draw.

FINAL SCORE: 1/1 columns

Arguments may be made about my harsh rating, or if this actually counts as a column, but at the end of the day, this isn’t a democracy. This is cold hard dictatorship, and my voice is the only one which counts.

If you have a column you want reviewing, please let me know. The only requirement is that they are long and hard, just the way I like it.