Man with “Only God Can Judge Me“ tattoo released on mistrial

In what has been described as a “landmark ruling” by Newcastle’s Crown Court, an individual accused of three counts of grievous bodily harm today walked free. This followed the decision that the sitting circuit judge was unqualified to declare him either guilty or innocent.

The legal team representing Darren Smike, 34, successfully argued that, unless His Honour Judge Swing could prove beyond all reasonable doubt that he was, in fact, the Judeo-Christian God, the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, who will give to the thirsty from the fountain of the water of life without payment, then the case would have to be thrown out.

“This is a triumph of hard evidence over emotional obstinacy,” Mr Smike’s barrister told The Lampoon’s lynching and horsewhipping correspondent. “As my client’s tattoo makes quite plain, any mere mortal, be they a circuit judge, a High Court Judge, or even the Lord Chief Justice himself, is lamentably underqualified to objectively try this case.”

The latest reports from the Crown Court indicate that efforts are being made to contact and commune with the Lord God Almighty. These efforts have allegedly been hampered by the strong possibility that He does not, in any real sense, exist.

“Smike’s tattoo is something of a watertight argument,” one clerk told our reporter. “However, we are doing everything that we can to ensure he does face a real trial, presided over by the one authority that he, by his tattoo’s own admission, must bow to.”

“So far, we’ve sent clerks to various places of worship, with several others going on more ambitious pilgrimages to different holy sites. We’ve also encouraged a couple to start debilitating drug and alcohol habits, because there’s no-one so good at finding God as the ones who’ve fucked everything else up.”

The Judeo-Christian God has had a long career in dispensing judgement upon people all over the world. Notable cases include Job vs. Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, Cain vs. Abel, and Almost Every Person and Animal on the Planet vs. God. One legal scholar opined that they would welcome the opportunity to see Him in action, and was equally eager to see what his eventual plan for “that whole Africa thing” would be.

Featured image: Pixabay

Democrats face “uphill struggle” with giant abortion ray amendment to infrastructure bill

The challenges faced by Democratic Senators continue this week, as Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has signalled his party’s intention to vote down the upcoming Infrastructure bill, following an amendment that would see 6% of taxes funnelled towards the construction of a giant abortion ray.

“We consider the cost of the creation, operation, and maintenance of a giant abortion ray to be utterly nonsensical,” McConnell told our reporter. “It’s just another example of the spend-spend-spend attitude of our colleagues on the other side of the aisle.”

“It’s this kind of inability to approach matters realistically that has led to such a partisan attitude within the Senate,” the Minority Leader continued. “It’s all very well to say, ‘we want a giant abortion ray implanted into the head of the Statue of Liberty’, but what they’re really saying is, ‘we want business owners to fund a giant abortion ray implanted into the Statue of Liberty’.”

Meanwhile, even spokespersons for President Biden have indicated that the Executive Branch considers plans to turn the Statue of Liberty into a colossal, glowing-eyed guardian on the nation’s shores, capable of causing instantaneous abortions with millimetre-level accuracy in all fifty states, to be overly ambitious considering the current fiscal climate.

“America is a nation where dreams can come true,” White House Press Correspondent Jen Psaki told The Toon Lampoon, “and the President would never try to stand in the way of the dream of progress, nor between a woman and her right to choose to terminate her unwanted pregnancy using a giant abortion ray.”

“However, the Office of the President of the United States would advise exploring less bold methods, such as employing the services of two drunken clowns, each wielding a comically-oversized mallet. Republicans have already signalled that they would be willing to move forwards with this bill under these circumstances.”

Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, however, has remained firm in his commitment to place a giant abortion ray in the head of the Statue of Liberty.

“In the name of progress, in the name of democracy, it is paramount that every American is able to access the full range of options that should be available to them,” he told The Toon Lampoon, “whether Democrat, Republican, or simply an au pair that made certain promises to her employer that she sure seems to be taking her sweet time with.”

Image: Pixabay

Joe Manchin to regularly garotte Democrat voters in attempt to foster bipartisanship

Joe Manchin today announced his intention to strangle the life out of a Democrat voter, every hour, on the hour, in order to encourage bipartisan efforts within the Senate.

The Senator for West Virginia stated that reaching across the aisle was fundamental to the ideals that the Senate had been created to serve, and that he was going to ensure that it continued to do so by throttling his party’s voters with American-made piano wire.

“What my colleagues in the Democratic Party patently fail to realise is that we cannot proceed with a purely partisan approach,” Manchin told The Toon Lampoon. “I believe that partisan voting legislation will destroy the already weakening binds of our democracy, and I intend to make it stronger by staring into the dimming, red eyes of any son of a bitch I catch voting for my party.”

Manchin claims that the regular and gradual culling of Democratic supporters will ensure that neither Democrats nor Democrats will be able to pursue their own agenda without the support of their opposition on Capitol Hill.

“How are we supposed to create policy with the Republicans when our supporters hugely outnumber theirs?” Manchin asked our reporter. “That’s what’s forced them to put all of these roadblocks between the American people and their right to participate in elections, and shame on us for not trying to solve this problem.”

Manchin admits that garotting one Democrat per hour is neither the most efficient nor rapid way to right what he calls “a partisan imbalance of support,” but he is sure that his efforts will be greeted with a positive response by Republican Senators, many of whom can boast their own attempts to kill off their own voters.

Downing Street rejects Cummings’ Shakespeare bio claims on grounds that PM “isn’t a goddamn nerd”

A statement from Downing Street this morning categorically rejected the accusation from Dominic Cummings that Boris Johnson no-showed five COBRA meetings to instead work on a biography of playwright and plague aficionado, William Shakespeare, claiming that the Prime Minister “isn’t some fucking geek that sits around reading plays or writing artsy-fartsy books.”

The spokesperson went on to state that the only reason that the Prime Minister would miss a Cabinet Office Briefing Room A meeting, intended to protect the public from the COVID-19 pandemic, “would be to do something totally boss, like street racing, hanging around a shopping centre, or getting into this one bar where the bouncers know him and straight-up just let him in, even though he’s got no ID.”

This incident signals a further change in approach when it comes to the former “SPAD”. Previous Downing Street policy was to rewrite reality itself to better fit the words of the eugenics advocate and John Christie cosplayer, witnessed during Cummings’ statement to the press regarding the restorative powers of Barnard Castle.

Fractures in the relationship between Cummings and Johnson have since emerged, with the former advisor claiming that Boris Johnson planned to let the coronavirus “ravage the nation with such a lack of restraint and mercy that the Conservatives would probably run it as a candidate”.

But these new allegations have been met with vehement denial from Downing Street. While the Prime Minister’s detractors may claim that this fierce response indicates the truthfulness of Cummings’ account, sources in the Conservative Party continue to deny that there is any authenticity to the claims.

“As far as Dominic Cummings is concerned,” the spokesperson concluded, “if the Prime Minister did indeed neglect to attend a COBRA meeting, it was to keep his schedule clear in order to accommodate the serious and politically sensitive business of shagging Cumming’s mum.”

Sunak supporters brand Chancellor “first fun-sized PM”

Supporters of Rishi Sunak have today embarked on a new strategy to position the Chancellor of the Exchequer as the obvious successor to current Prime Minister Boris Johnson. Supporters have claimed that the MP for Richmond would be “the first travel-sized Prime Minister”.

Many news outlets and the BBC have so far attempted to disguise Sunak’s 5’6” frame with carefully angled photography. The Chancellor’s cabal, however, have begun touting the advantages of having a first among equals who would be the last to know when it was raining.

“The word we would like to associate with Mr Sunak is ‘compact’,” Conservative MP E. Tonian told The Lampoon. “There are, after all, a number of benefits of having such a Lilliputian head of state.”

“Reduced price on airline tickets whenever there are conferences abroad, greater opportunities for storage and, of course, the cuteness factor. I mean, how could anyone vote against that tiny man?”

“Look at him there, in his little suit. You don’t want to make the Prime Minister cry, do you? Imagine how awful you’d feel if you made the tiny Prime Minister cry. Vote Conservative.”

However, not everyone in the Conservative Party has been fully persuaded of the appeal of a Tory Prime Mini-ster. Henry Coningsby, MP for Millbank, stated “I’m well aware of the admirable achievements of famous short men: Danny DeVito, Cayetano Santos Godino, Wolverine.”

“But I cannot in good faith put my support behind a Prime Minister whose official photograph would be mistaken by millions as a child’s first day at big school. More seriously, I’m also troubled by the idea that Sunak would not be able to join other world leaders on a rollercoaster ride.”

According to his supporters, Sunak intends to start his bid for leadership as soon as Boris Johnson is next found to have committed an action unworthy of a Prime Minister.

“It’s a waiting game,” one anonymous source told The Lampoon. “It could be in five minutes. It could be in ten minutes. But, whenever it happens, we’ll be ready to make sure that the Chancellor hasn’t had too many sweets and fizzy pop.”

Featured Image: Pixabay

“Have you tried not being offended?” Boris asks victims of systematic racism

Boris Johnson has today lashed out at BAME people upset at the results of the report intended to look at racism in the UK. The report, completed by the Commission on Race and Ethnic Disparities, began after the Black Lives Matter protests and vigils swept across the country last summer.

Johnson chose his One Black Friend, Tony Sewell, to head the report which was commissioned after (to quote Johnson) “that…umm…pesky yes well Black Lives Matter thing started up and…hm…there isn’t even a…hm…Black George Floyd in…er…this country, I had…erm…Priti Patel check for…erm…that name in the…um…directory…erm…of prisoners. I don’t know, well, what all this…erm…fuss is about.”

Johnson is denying reports that he arranged for Sewell and his colleagues to note that he has “three Asians in Cabinet as well as one white who could probably pass for Asian.” Johnson is believed to have gone on to say that racism is “rubbish” and that he has “preferences” when it comes to race, this being “totally normal”. The Prime Minister continued by saying, “how about you stop being offended?” when questioned by Black people on the Commission’s findings.

Sources, including Sewell, have noted that Johnson is in fact “colour-blind in both eyes”, which makes it difficult to distinguish skin colour. He instead makes judgements based on a person’s wealth. Then, he “gets his colour chart out and places it on the skin of the other person”. If the person is white, he puts it back in his pocket. If the person is of ethnic minority heritage, Johnson disinfects it first prior to placing it back in his pocket.

We at The Lampoon have pointed out to the Conservative government that the Windrush Scandal was based on race, as is the chilling statistic that Black women are four times more likely to die in childbirth than their white counterparts. The only response we have received is that we are now unwelcome at press briefings. See if we care! They’re shit anyway.

Policeman filmed shoving peaceful vigil attendee asks for “sympathy”

A policeman has today asked for sympathy after sustaining “catastrophic” injuries to his toe. The officer was “injured” after aggressively shoving a woman attending a peaceful vigil yesterday. The woman in question was not resisting arrest and had her hands above her head at the time of the incident.

The incident was filmed by bystanders who disseminated the video. In an interview about the event this morning, the PoPo officer involved stated: “This is a difficult thing for me to even talk about. The woman stood on my toe after I tried arresting her. That, in the eyes of the law is GBH. I know it’s the law as I myself, like all police, am above the law”. Eyewitnesses dispute this account, telling us “she was nowhere near his little piggies”.

After being probed by reporters, the police officer confirmed that the toe is “a little bit bruised, not broken or anything”, before confirming he is to be awarded both a Bravery Award and a Queen’s Gallantry Medal for his bravery in arresting an unarmed, peaceful vigil attendee using unnecessary brute force. Priti Patel also phoned the officer to commend his “selflessness”.

Despite the events, the officer reiterated calls for sympathy as “not only is my toe hurt, but I’m not used to people not doing what I say, and I’m angry.”

Lloyds TSB acquires Spank Bank following liquidation

Lloyds TSB today announced its acquisition of the First National Spank Bank, following the institution’s declaration of insolvency.

Spank Bank Chairman Edward Rection spoke to The Toon Lampoon’s finance correspondent regarding the bank’s acquisition.

“The simple fact of the matter is that this institution was simply unable to supply its customers with what they need in this current era,” Mr Rection told our reporter. “The sheer amount of loans that we were called upon to service during this pandemic, not to mention the number of withdrawals that our clients were making while in isolation, meant that we could no longer realistically afford to remain active.”

When questioned about the potential difficulties of handling the masturbatory fodder of millions of clients in addition to their existing financial responsibilities, the CEO of Lloyds TSB described themselves as “optimistic and energised”.

“Obviously, this is a big step up for the Lloyds family, not to mention a considerable departure from what we would typically take on,” they told our financial correspondent. “However, we feel that we can meet these challenges in our typical hands-on fashion and be quick to finger any potential issues that may come up.”

“In terms of what our new customers can expect as a result of this acquisition, we can promise that it will be business as usual, if not better. Rumours that all sexual fantasies must now feature footage of a herd of black horses galloping across an open field are, of course, utterly nonsensical.”

Featured image: Wikimedia Commons (edited [look closely])

The USA might have a new president but there is one thing you cannot forget

There are 48 million kangaroos in Australia and only 3,518,552 people in Uruguay.

If the kangaroos decided to invade Uruguay, each member of the population would have to defeat over 13.6 kangaroos each. Of course, only able bodied adults would be able to fight and so the true number of kangaroos needing defeating per capita would be much higher.

A large male kangaroo can be over 2m tall and weigh 90kg. Do not be fooled however: that 90kg is pure muscle. Adult male kangaroos will box each other until one falls down, gives up, or dies. These savage beasts will eviscerate a person with their razor-sharp claws if they perceive them as a threat to their young, their food, or their God-given territory in South America (specifically the country bordered by Argentina and Brazil).

It is easy to see why the kangaroos might try and take over their Promised Land. Uruguay ranks as one of the most progessive countries in the world, and the most in South America. The production, sale, and consumption of cannabis is legal. Same-sex marriage is legal. Abortion is legal. Perhaps most importantly, Uruguay is ranked first in South America for press freedom, much to the relief of this writer should he need to flee the UK.

Some might have thought that the USA and the world would have become completely perfect overnight with the inauguration of President Biden. The truth is that Uruguayans live under the constant threat of having to fight over 13 kangaroos each to the death in order to retain control of their country.

The worst bit is that they might very well have to do it alone. Unfortunately, in 2018, Unión de Naciones Suramericanas (Union of South American Nations) collapsed after a suggestion from then-Uruguayan-president Tabaré Vázquez to expand the common-defense remit of the Consejo de Defensa Suramericano (Council of South American Defense) to include invasion of any member state by foreign marsupials.

At the end of the day, we all know the mankind-macropod military action will happen at some point. One can only hope that both sides respect the Geneva Convention, if only in order to avoid the brutality witnessed in the last war against Australian wildlife, the Emu War.