Opera stars of the 1880s: where are they now? (Dead)

Content warning: white people

Emma Engdahl-Jägerskiöld

The omlaut-tastic star of the Finnish, Swedish and Norwegian stages opened her own opera company at the tailend of the 1880s. Nowadays, she struggles to keep up with the rigours of the job, because she is dead.

Sir George Power, 7th Baronet

Sir Power, the Kilkenny-born Gilbert & Sullivan star, is the only entry on this list to have been awarded a knighthood. A whole lot of good it did him, seeing as he is dead.

Emma Howson

The Australian soprano is another Gilbert & Sullivan veteran, renowned for creating the principal role of Josephine in H.M.S. Pinafore. Like a lot of veterans, she is dead.

Marcella Sembrich

A native of Vyshnivchyk, a tiny village in what is now western Ukraine, the coloratura soprano came from humble beginnings. More recently, she met an even more humble ending. She is dead.

Adolf Kozieradski

We’re not entirely sure if he was big on the opera scene of the 1880s, but we wanted to include him because of his funny name. Whoever heard of a Kozieradski?

This Polish bass-baritone sang the lead in the world premiere of Stanisław Moniuszko’s The Haunted Manor in 1860s Warsaw. Now, the only thing he’s haunting is a cemetery. He is dead.

Lorenz Nikolai Achté

This next entry requires plenty of introduction. Born in Pori, on the west coast of Finland, Achté was one of the first artists attached to the Finnish National Opera and Ballet. His dedication to his homeland is such that he now fertilises some of it. He is dead.

Ernestine Schumann-Heink

Enrapturing audiences professionally since the age of just 15, we’re glad Schumann-Heink, raised in the environs of Bohemia, got started early. She is dead.

Klementina Kalašová

Following her shock eviction from the Big Brother house, the Czech opera singer successfully transitioned into a career as a media personality and pop star one-hit wonder.

That was a bit of levity. She is dead.

Francisco D’Andrade

I wonder if anyone’s made it this far. How much information is buried at the end of listicles? How many acutely personal truths are gathering dust at the bottom of blogposts, met with the same apathy that greeted the 1853 premiere of La traviata?

Anyway, he is dead.

Fyodor Petrovich Komissarzhevsky

Komissarzhevsky is best known for his versatility, proving adept not only as a leading tenor, but also for giving skull-splitting headaches to any critic trying to spell his name. Now comfortably into his twilight years, he divides his time equally between the Protestant Cemetery in Rome and nowhere else. This is because he is buried in the Protestant Cemetery in Rome. He is dead.

Featured image: Openclipart

Comedy is about free speech, says comic best known for material about dick and balls

Comedy is a bastion of free speech and expression, according to a comic best known for a set about his dick and balls. More recently, the comedian is known for bemoaning the rise of cancel culture, after spending the 2010s berating feminists for focusing on problems that don’t exist.    

The comic agreed to speak to us, after we told him that The Toon Lampoon is a podcast.

“Stand-up can be used to accomplish powerful things, like giving a stadium full of women the ick simultaneously,” he said.

“I mean, no wonder comedy was banned by the Nazis.”

“Sorry, did I say Nazis? I meant to say feminists,” he continued, before raising his eyebrows at our reporter until she forced a laugh.

“I would be nothing without the penis and testicle soliloquy. Creatively, it’s my bread and butter.”

“Or should that be bread and boner?” he asked, before scribbling what he’d just said into a notebook labelled ‘Gold dust’.

Earlier this year, the comic had declared he had been cancelled, which, funnily enough, made headlines.

Featured image: 4753994 on Pixabay

Hero father of three resists googling Ariana Grande nude leaks during Christmas lunch

In an act that has been described as showing an inhuman level of restraint by several Cabinet ministers, a father of three today resisted the urge to covertly search for leaked nudes of popular music star Ariana Grande.

“To be honest, when I saw the news alert pop up on my phone, I was all set to slam on Incognito and get down to some serious cracker-pulling, right under the table,” Darren Smike, 37, told The Lampoon.

“But then, I thought about how it’s the kids’ first Christmas without their mum, what with Covid and everything, and I realised I had to be there for them, rather than grabbing a fistful of cranberry sauce for lubricant and painting the underside of the table as white as the first new snow.”

Mr Smike has been recommended for an OBE in the New Year’s Honour 2021 list by a Government insider who wished to remain anonymous, who told The Lampoon, “I have to applaud this individual’s restraint. I, for one, plunged the clunge at least seven times to that story about the drowning migrants over my starter.”

When approached for comment, Prince Andrew stated that he would, for one, would never feel the barest hint of arousal at the haggard visage of Miss Grande, and that he pitied any individual who would.

Featured image: Pxhere

Boris Johnson’s appearance on Would I Lie To You branded a catastrophe

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s recent attempt to boost his flagging approval ratings by appearing on popular panel show Would I Lie To You? has been lambasted as “a catastrophe” by his own MPs. The issue lay in the fact that the Prime Minister seemed to fail to grasp the concept of the game.

The broadcast started well enough, with Johnson engaged in light banter with his teammates, comedian Lee Mack and celebrity chef Delia Smith. However, things went downhill for the embattled PM after being given the statement “I never hosted a Christmas party whilst the rest of London was in lockdown”.

Seemingly unable to grasp the premise of the game, the PM initially claimed that he had never even read the card, before accusing the other team of “playing politics“ when they attempted to question Johnson about the statement. In a startling turn of events, the Prime Minister then apologised unreservedly about jokes made by his teammate Lee Mack earlier in the program, despite remaining adamant that no jokes ever took place. Lee Mack was later seen in tears resigning from the show.

“Frankly I think it was a preposterous idea to even begin with,” opposition team captain David Mitchell told The Lampoon. “He’s the prime minister during a global pandemic, why is he appearing on a panel shows? This seems like the sort of ludicrous thing only invented in the minds of bored satirists, not real life.”

Featured Image: Ali Plumb on Twitter and Number 10 on Flickr, edited by Joe Molander (in a drug-induced haze)

Tory aides caught having first ever party

A leaked photograph shows a cabal of Conservative aides and bigwigs having their first ever party.

In attendance was Shaun Bailey – beloved by uncles everywhere trying to show their nieces that they’re not racist –  and party donor Nick Candy (grey blazer, above). Aside from his deep pockets, Candy is best known for having the name of a male porn star and dressing like a forex trader.

One of the Tory aides present at the party agreed to speak to The Lampoon, through the mist of his cologne.

“We’re gutted that we got caught on our first ever party. We didn’t even get to play spin the bottle, of cognac, or seven minutes in heaven, where you get a in a cupboard with a Tory donor and have seven minutes to award them as many public sector contracts as you can.”

The Lampoon is proud to report that none of its staffers ever attended a party after COVID-19 rules forbade it, or before.

Featured Image: Armando Iannucci on Twitter

“Spencer” director looks forward to upcoming Prince Andrew biopic: “Nonce”

Though Spencer is still in the opening days of its theatrical release, Pablo Larraín has spoken enthusiastically with The Lampoon about his next planned project, which will examine the life and legacy of Prince Andrew, the Duke of York: Nonce.

“With Spencer, we took an imaginative approach to might have transpired during those days at Sandringham,” Larraín told The Lampoon’s Culture and Dogging Correspondent. “It’s such an intimate, almost secretive setting, that we were forced to jump to some conclusions to create a cohesive narrative.”

“Thankfully, when it comes to Andrew, there are all these useful legal documents that we can use. It’s going to make piecing together a story so much simpler.”

Prince Andrew, who still faces the threat of civil action in American courts, has not issued a statement since the relinquishing of his public duties. His whereabouts are unknown, though it is rumoured that the Duke of York is currently trapped within a large labyrinth under Buckingham Palace, feeding on the unwary as well as regular deliveries from Pizza Express.

Speaking about the differences between the two cinematic endeavours, Larraín noted the required difference in tone.

“Spencer, due to its content, is a taut, psychological drama that really opens up a private life to see the emotions within, and the filming reflected that.”

“Nonce, on the other hand, will have elements of a survival horror, as well as the occasional jump scare when… well, we don’t want to give anything away, but there are some scenes that are really going to make audiences sweat.”

Featured image: Wikimedia Commons

EA announce “FIFA: The Movie” – exclusive cast reveal

It’s an exciting day in the world of association football-based sports video games, as EA Sports have revealed a film based on their most successful series. Arriving July 2022, EA Sports FIFA: The Movie Based On The Popular Video Game Series Of The Same Name will be exclusively written and directed by renowned filmmaker, Guillermo del Toro.

According to early insider information, the film’s script consists entirely of dialogue from unseen commentator characters, while the on-screen cast will remain entirely silent. The plot is said to follow the story of a collection of matches between various fictional teams, as most clubs refused to license their details to the project.

The announcement was followed by a cast reveal.

Image: Wikimedia Commons

Paul Rudd … as Lionel Messi

“I am really excited to tackle a different challenge as an actor. They forced me to learn Spanish despite having no lines in the film. I’ve been on the training field for weeks, practising Leo’s free kicks. Hopefully I can do Messi justice.” – Rudd

Image: Wikimedia Commons

Ryan Reynolds …
as Christopher Rolando

Due to licensing issues, Reynolds’ character is based on an athlete who cannot be named here for legal reasons.

“The hardest part of the role was practising the ‘SUIIII’ celebration. I pulled my hamstring twice in the process. Nonetheless, it has been an experience.” – Reynolds

Image: Wikimedia Commons

Robert Downey Jr. …
as Gareth Southgate

“I’m a bit of a gamer myself, so this is an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. They let me keep the waistcoats, too, which was a nice cherry on top of the $85 million I was paid.” – Downey Jr.

Image: @johntravolta, Instagram

John Travolta … as Pep Guardiola

“I’m a big fan of the bald fraud, so to play him is truly a once in a lifetime experience.” – Travolta

Image: Wikimedia Commons

Benedict Cumberbatch … as Harry Kane

“I am excited to bring it home for the boys, best believe.” – Cumberbatch

Image: Wikimedia Commons

Pete Davidson … as Neymar

“I’ve always wanted to get into method acting. I’ve spent an accumulative time of around 15,000 hours practising stepovers and ball juggling to prepare for the role. Unfortunately, my on-field scenes were cut.” – Davidson

Supporting cast include Morgan Freeman as Pelé, Rowan Atkinson as José Mourinho, Jonah Hill as David Luiz, Penélope Cruz as the only female character, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Kevin Hart as the commentators.

EA Sports FIFA: The Movie Based On The Popular Video Game Series Of The Same Name will hit the big screen next summer.

Featured Image: SkySports & Wikimedia Commons

Johnson proves commitment to healthy living, announces fizzy drinks shortage

Prime Minister and wet dog impersonator Boris Johnson has today proven his dedication to healthy living by announcing huge shortages of fizzy drinks. He also boasted about one-upping Labour’s 2019 proposals for a four-day week by only having enough power for three.

The Prime Minister agreed to talk about the drinks shortage to our health correspondent, who regularly runs, mostly away from loan sharks.

“This is a win for Britain,” the collection of carpet fibres insisted. “The shortage is due to a lack of CO₂, so we’re also showing the world how green a post-Brexit GB can be!”

“Of course, I won’t be having fizzy drinks either, except for maybe a splash of Dom Pérignon. Even then, I’m saving that for when I find the nerve to sack Priti Patel.”

“After all, I believe in leading by example. I have long-since championed the nuclear family, which is why I’ve started at least two.”

Featured image: Number Ten on Flickr

Faroese 1429, dolphins 0, in humiliating defeat

Sports and hunting analysts alike have agreed that the population of dolphins around the Faroe Islands put in a truly lacklustre performance in what would prove to be the largest single hunt of cetaceans in history.

“It’s got to be embarrassing for them,” said conservationist Tom Harpoon, surveying the bloody aftermath. “They’re supposed to have near-human intelligence, but you could have fooled me.”

Following a night where 1429 dolphins were herded into shallow waters, stabbed to death with knives, then distributed to the local people for consumption, various animal rights groups and the broader international community have spoken out regarding the dolphin population’s need to get its head in the game.

“The main problem, as far as I see it, is that the dolphins weren’t incentivised,” said Michael Grayson, sports analyst. “Motivation counts for everything in this game, and the dolphins’ motivation to go on living clearly wasn’t of the same intensity as the Faroese’s desire to butcher over a thousand dolphins until the sea literally ran red.”

Jennifer Morgan, CEO of Greenpeace International, released a statement to journalists earlier today:

“Everyone loves a good underdog story. But the thing is, it’s difficult to care when that underdog puts in a shameful performance like we’ve seen here. I mean, dolphins are cute, but you know what I’m really invested in? Winners.”

The flawless victory of man over dolphin has been heralded by various environmental bodies as proof of how ultimately unstoppable humanity is.

“We’ve got it in us to go all the way,” said UN President Abdulla Shahid. “Faroe absolutely fucked those dolphins, and we’ve got the Amur leopard and the Black rhinoceros on the ropes. We’re the goddamn champions of the world.”

Shortly after the results came in, Greta Thunberg took to Twitter to say that even she found it hard not to view the dolphin population with scorn, disgust, and hunger.

Featured image: Walter Baxter on Geograph

Report: single piano notes at beginning of movie trailer suggests it’s about to get real

An investigation into a trailer for the latest Hollywood blockbuster has confirmed suspicions that the piano notes at the start mean some serious shit is about to go down. The investigation into the trailer was launched by the Federation Against Copyright Theft (FACT), after The Lampoon’s film critic pirated it.

The Lampoon’s film critic agreed to share her thoughts from her private study, or – as it is known in the business – prison cell.

“I knew this trailer was gonna be a rollercoaster right from the get-go. As soon as I heard that first piano note, I just knew it would end with a violent action scene set to an upbeat song from the 1970s.”

“That’s the issue with us movie-buffs, you can’t fool us. Can you uncuff me?”

A representative for Warner Bros. Pictures confirmed “We’ve been trying to keep this under wraps for as long as possible, but yes, we can confirm it gets pretty gnarly in this trailer.”

“There’s action, dark action, quippy action, action on a roof, and more actors than your dad can ask ‘now what have I seen her in?’.”

A spokesperson for FACT said “Who pirates a trailer?”

Featured image: Warner Bros. Pictures on YouTube