The set designer for the beloved Fenwick Christmas display has already settled on an idea, months before December. Harris Tercrat – who works an entire twenty four hours a year and earns upwards of a quarter million pounds – has landed on a burning trashbag.
The move has set the world of art alight, and a trashbag. Speaking to The Lampoon, Tercrat admitted “it’s difficult to sum up any year with a window display, and even harder to make it seem positive.”
“In 1992, the Queen referred to the year as an ‘annus horribilis’. For that display, we paid a look-a-like of Elizabeth to cry from a balcony, like the one attached to her multi-million pound home.”
“I have to say, for a while now, we’ve thought 2020 would be one of the easier ones. After everyone started making those 2020 vision jokes, we were going to put a bunch of glasses everywhere and a note that said ‘happy now?’”
“Suffice to say we knew we were in trouble since January, but what better summary is there of the year than a bag full of burning wrappers and rotting vegetables?”
Little is known about the Fenwick Christmas window display, except that it predates the Fenwick window. The founder of Fenwick actually built the shop around the display, which appeared every late December without explanation.
A set designer has only been attached to the display since the 1980s, whose role is almost entirely providing the set-ups to the jokes in this article.
A Newcastle student has reportedly invested in a Newcastle University branded jumper, in the hopes of making everyone around him extremely jealous.
The plan did not go as intended, however, as most of his peers simply looked on in confusion and abject apathy.
“He walked in to the room with a smug expression; brandishing a new jumper. He had a look on his face as if to say ‘well, what do you guys think?’ but I really had no idea what the deal was.” One of the student’s friends informed us.
“I think he was trying to show off that he goes to Newcastle University? But none of us really care to be honest.” Another bemused peer told us.
“When my son came home for Easter, I saw his new jumper. I was honestly embarrassed to be seen with him.” The student’s mother added.
According to NUSU, sales of Newcastle University branded items have shot up in recent years, with false hopes of impressing people seemingly being the main cause.
However, according to an opinion poll, the public really could not care less about what university people go to, with 98.7% responding with “who gives a flying f**k.”
As summer reaches its height, discerning fashionistas are looking to the upcoming trends for the next season. Exciting new brands are taking inspiration from global political upheavals , showing not only their committment to producing high quality garments, but also to pretending like they give a shit about anything other than money.
Fresh new Spanish fashion house Casa tetona have announced their new line of graphic tees, emblazoned with feminist and anti-racist slogans so that you can signal your support for such causes by buying clothes produced by exploited women in the Indian subcontinent.
A startup in America called State Department has also announced a bold new line of garments in response to the Black Lives Matter movement, with shirts and accessories featuring phrases like “I promise I sincerely care about minority groups” and “Voting for an establishment stooge is the only way to effect social change, please trust me”.
Our favourite woke fashion line at the Toon Lampoon is from online store Konsum based out of Berlin. They sell trendy and minimalist tees, and their exciting AW20/21 line consists of one shirt, printed on the front with “I support any and all pertinent social progressive movements”, and on the back with “fuck you, buy our shit, wagie”.
Graphic tees are a great way to update a basic casual look to show people you truly are committed to making the world a better place, through the medium of spectacle and consumption.