Johnson proves commitment to healthy living, announces fizzy drinks shortage

Prime Minister and wet dog impersonator Boris Johnson has today proven his dedication to healthy living by announcing huge shortages of fizzy drinks. He also boasted about one-upping Labour’s 2019 proposals for a four-day week by only having enough power for three.

The Prime Minister agreed to talk about the drinks shortage to our health correspondent, who regularly runs, mostly away from loan sharks.

“This is a win for Britain,” the collection of carpet fibres insisted. “The shortage is due to a lack of CO₂, so we’re also showing the world how green a post-Brexit GB can be!”

“Of course, I won’t be having fizzy drinks either, except for maybe a splash of Dom Pérignon. Even then, I’m saving that for when I find the nerve to sack Priti Patel.”

“After all, I believe in leading by example. I have long-since championed the nuclear family, which is why I’ve started at least two.”

Featured image: Number Ten on Flickr

Faroese 1429, dolphins 0, in humiliating defeat

Sports and hunting analysts alike have agreed that the population of dolphins around the Faroe Islands put in a truly lacklustre performance in what would prove to be the largest single hunt of cetaceans in history.

“It’s got to be embarrassing for them,” said conservationist Tom Harpoon, surveying the bloody aftermath. “They’re supposed to have near-human intelligence, but you could have fooled me.”

Following a night where 1429 dolphins were herded into shallow waters, stabbed to death with knives, then distributed to the local people for consumption, various animal rights groups and the broader international community have spoken out regarding the dolphin population’s need to get its head in the game.

“The main problem, as far as I see it, is that the dolphins weren’t incentivised,” said Michael Grayson, sports analyst. “Motivation counts for everything in this game, and the dolphins’ motivation to go on living clearly wasn’t of the same intensity as the Faroese’s desire to butcher over a thousand dolphins until the sea literally ran red.”

Jennifer Morgan, CEO of Greenpeace International, released a statement to journalists earlier today:

“Everyone loves a good underdog story. But the thing is, it’s difficult to care when that underdog puts in a shameful performance like we’ve seen here. I mean, dolphins are cute, but you know what I’m really invested in? Winners.”

The flawless victory of man over dolphin has been heralded by various environmental bodies as proof of how ultimately unstoppable humanity is.

“We’ve got it in us to go all the way,” said UN President Abdulla Shahid. “Faroe absolutely fucked those dolphins, and we’ve got the Amur leopard and the Black rhinoceros on the ropes. We’re the goddamn champions of the world.”

Shortly after the results came in, Greta Thunberg took to Twitter to say that even she found it hard not to view the dolphin population with scorn, disgust, and hunger.

Featured image: Walter Baxter on Geograph

Geordie mukbang youtuber sacked by Teeside agency after claiming “Parmos are a Geordie thing”

Geordie mukbang YouTuber, ClamminSam, who has two million subscribers, revealed on the 20th of January that her Teeside agency had sacked her for claiming that the parmo was a “Geordie creation”.

On the 16th of January, Sam uploaded a video of her eating a classic parmo, a hotshot parmo, a BBQ parmo, a parmo Kiev, a bolognese parmo, and a meat feast parmo, as one of many videos demonstrating her possession of an inhuman gastric-Bag-of-Holding. Unfortunately for her, an argument broke out in the comment section over the provenance of the parmo and she ‘liked’ a comment that stated “I was angry that people from Teeside claimed the parmo for themselves but I’m happy you posted a video of you somehow scranning down half a dozen of them.“

The fighting only intensified, with the YouTuber becoming the subject of various attacks on social media, including in the comments of her own videos. Many Smoggies, seemingly with a lot of free time, spammed her with malicious comments, which caught the attention of her agency.

Sam personally weighed in on the controversy via a post on her channel. She explained that she meant no disrespect to Teesiders and that she respected their culture but “the parmo is 100% a Geordie thing, you wouldn’t try and take pasta from the Italian-Americans would you”. She then added that her agency, which managed her social media platforms, had terminated her contract on the 19th of January.

According to a statement from the agency, Sam’s comments had had a huge impact on the Teeside people and that they could not continue to promote her in Teeside in good conscience.

Sam responded by apologising for any misunderstanding that hurt her Teeside fans but would not want to be promoted in Teeside if she had to claim that parmos are from Middlesbrough. She posted “If I have to say that parmo is a Teeside creation, then I choose not to be promoted in Teeside. I hope that Teeside netizens understand that Teeside YouTubers do not need to say Teeside food is Geordie to be popular here.”

McDonald’s celebrates Veganuary by launching vegan water

McDonalds marked its most innovative entry yet into the cruelty-free market by debuting its vegan water in time for Veganuary.

Veganuary is a month where social media influencers give up meat and dairy products to appear more ethical and charge companies hefty fees for sponsored posts featuring tofu and soya milk.

The fast food chain launched its Vegan McWater, which retails at £2, after noticing high demand from its five vegan customers.

“There really was a gap in the market for us to trial a cruelty-free beverage,” McDonalds’ Head of Product Innovation Keith Sandwich told The Toon Lampoon‘s restaurant correspondent.

“In the past we just served customers the water we used to clean our chicken nugget fryers, but the poor Veganuary buggers are already having to put up with vegan food for a month, so we thought we’d treat them to some cruelty-free water to wash down the taste of vegetables and fake chicken.”

After the 2020 everyone had, during which around 1.82 million people around the world died of COVID-19 and more Black Americans died as a result of the country’s systemic racism, McDonalds told us its vegan water is a great way to celebrate the new year.

“And, with the pubs closed, it’s not like we’ve got much competition in the drinks department,” Sandwich laughed.

The mass advertising campaign accompanying the product’s launch is to spread awareness of the health benefits of a vegan diet and has nothing to do with cashing in on the growing vegan market, Sandwich added hastily.

For the month of Veganuary only, McDonalds is offering a free bottle of Vegan McWater with any beef burger from its menu.

Featured image: Cruiser on Wikimedia Commons

Student missing Soho during Christmas enjoys mulled blue treb

A Newcastle University student who is suffering withdrawal symptoms from Soho has decided to treat themselves to some homemade mulled blue treb. To get the authentic flavour, the student made the mulled treb with own-brand vodka, fruit juice and a small measure of washing up liquid.

Withdrawal symptoms from Soho can be deadly, and include things like regaining a sense of taste.

Speaking to The Lampoon, the student reported “The mulled treb is hot and sticky, just like the dancefloor at Soho”.

Of course, all Lampoon writers are banned from attending any nightclubs or social activity. Some have criticised this rule as superfluous, seeing as attending nightclubs or social activities generally requires having friends.

Nevertheless, to appropriately appreciate the Newcastle nightclub experience, our reporter put a pan on his head, and had the editors smash it with golf clubs. Once he had incurred the appropriate brain damage, it was decided he was finally ready to enjoy Soho.

Britons shocked to discover Christmas lunch isn’t that British after all

We’ve all heard that terrible cracker joke over the past few years: “How will Christmas lunch be different after Brexit? No Brussels!” It usually merits a few groans and speeches from grandparents on how we made a mistake entering the EU back in ’73. They then tend to proclaim how proud they are to be British, and end up passing out half-drunk on the sofa before the Strictly Christmas Special even begins.

It may shock them to learn that Christmas lunches, a staple just like the Queen’s Speech, aren’t that British after all.

Let us begin with the humble potato, which also happens to be the sole source of food here at The Lampoon. Originally domesticated in Peru, they did not arrive in the UK until the Golden Age of Exploration when travellers like Walter Raleigh thought a weird beige object would be the best holiday souvenir to bring home. I’m sure their families were delighted. Whilst they might now be closely linked with British cuisine in the form of fish and chips, they still aren’t British in origin.

At least we still have the star of the show: turkey. Actually, we don’t. December Fools! That’s a thing, right?

Turkey is once again an import from the Americas, arriving in Britain in the 15th century. Even then, it did not become a Christmas lunch must-have until the 17th century amongst the working class, who couldn’t afford geese.

What did we have before turkey? One individual from 1773 recorded having cod and oyster sauce, amongst other things, at New College, Oxford University. We might see the dish return if the fishing quotas all work out.

We can’t even claim ownership over the vegetables or herbs that play a minor role in our lunches. This includes onions, garlic and thyme (thank you Romans), as well as brussels sprouts (despite the name, they likely originate in the Mediterranean).

What can we take credit for? Yorkshire puddings, if you add them to your Christmas lunch, you weirdo. That’s it really.

Whatever will the Brexit-loving Britons do when they discover most of their favourite Christmas foods aren’t British in origin? Will they see their mistake and beg Brussels for forgiveness? Will they beg Santa for a People’s Vote? Or will they follow in the footsteps of everyone’s favourite hypocrite Nigel Farage and ignore any evidence to the contrary of their opinions being wrong? Methinks the latter.

Whether you are a Brexiteer or a Remainer, we hope you have an enjoyable holiday period. Maybe you can spare a thought for us Lampoon journalists, who have been left locked in the office by the editors with only rotten Christingle oranges – which also aren’t British! – to keep us going. Maybe one day, Band Aid will come together to sing a song about us.

Note: the featured image is of The Lampoon editors’ Christmas lunch. The writers were not invited.

Pre-made category for “food, rents, monthly bills” on fundraising websites simply the best system we have

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give” – Winston Churchill.

I think the quote above speaks volumes. This is the greatest man this world has ever seen, articulating so precisely the beauty of charity. In an act of giving, we receive so much. This is why I was filled with such joy upon seeing that popular fundraising site GoFundMe has added a premade category for campaigns related to “food, rent, and monthly bills”.

Clearly welfare systems are not working – who would’ve guessed that socialist or Maoist-communist measures such as Universal Credit aren’t viable? So, those struggling must turn to other avenues. Historically – and, it appears, presently too – this has meant relying on the generosity of well-meaning members of our society who have the wherewithal to pass on a little of the wealth they’ve worked diligently to earn.

Charity is great! Charity online is greater!

Society’s Have-Nots now don’t have to submit themselves to the embarrassment of grovelling for cash. Sites like GoFundMe make it simpler than ever to ask others for the money required to pay for your survival. The campaigns take minutes to set up, and put a friendly computer screen between you and any unpleasant face-to-face interaction. GoFundMe has also made charity intersectional! Where once the act of giving was confined to the old white men who have the cultural clout to earn enough to spare a little, fundraising sites often provide an easy shareable link. Now fundraisers can access anybody on social media, and the beautiful act of giving has been opened up to anyone with a Facebook account, not just privileged millionaires and billionaires. It’s a win for everyone.

Socialists who wish to turn capitalism into the Mongolian-style Marxist communism of Khorloogiin Choibalsan have no feet to stand on. Their tired argument of “capitalism doesn’t provide for everyone in society” is completely negated by the ever-increasing prevalence of fundraisers to cover people’s basic needs. Why would we ever need welfare systems when there are tens of millionaires ready to funnel their cash into charitable causes? Welfare systems and socialist communism in the style of Kiro Gligorov take away a citizen’s right to giving. How could we do charity if the state is already giving people what they require to live healthily and happily?

As the great Winston Churchill said at the beginning of the article, “we make a life by what we give”. The Marxist social “democracy” of figures like Tachat Sargsyan fundamentally makes it impossible for humans to make a life. Charity under capitalism is simply the only system available.

Local man loses weight

Sorry, low-cal.

Bakeoff contestant exposed as esoteric Hitlerist on Twitter

The Great British Bakeoff was recently cancelled after this year’s hot favourite to win, Dave Simonson, was exposed using a piping bag to draw the black sun and SS runes on his cupcakes.

Twitter users with nothing better to do except rewatch Bake Off also uncovered that Simonson had earlier baked a maple and pecan pie with the symbol of the Order of Nine Angles displayed on the crust.

Our occult correspondent, (who pretends to know about demonology because he thinks it will help him pull goth girls), informs us that the Order of Nine Angles are similar to the Church of Satan except instead of being atheist humanists who hate their Christian parents they actually believe Satan will bring about a galactic white ethnostate. All further comments about their ridiculous beliefs were deleted by our editors out of fear that we may be sacrificed to Hitler.

Paul Hollywood protests the cancellation on the grounds that the black sun may have originated in the SS, but for him it represents the NHS.

Prince Andrew invites Rudy Giuliani to Woking Pizza Express to talk strategy

Prince Andrew has invited testicle lookalike and part-time sex pest Rudy Giuliani to Woking Pizza Express to advise him on how to handle the Borat fallout. Giuliani has been the subject of controversy after being filmed having an inappropriate-looking encounter, in the biggest sex scandal in American politics since about twenty minutes ago.

Prince Andrew was quick to defend his decision.

“I don’t crack under pressure: when have you seen me break a sweat?” Prince Andrew asked reporters gathered outside his home.

The Lampoon can exclusively reveal details of the meeting between the Prince and former Mayor of New York.

Our food critic happened to be on the scene, reviewing the restaurant and stealing as many dough balls as she could to feed our writers. That she stumbled upon the encounter was a happy coincidence, just like how it was a happy coincidence that Rudy Giuliani was tucking in his shirt whilst being in a hotel room with a girl he was later told was underage.  

“Listen, Rudy, accusing Sacha Baron Cohen of carrying out a hit job because you attacked Hunter Biden, even though he filmed it months before you actually attacked Hunter Biden, is genius,” Prince Andrew told Giuliani. “After months of lockdown, time in 2020 is almost as meaningless as politics in 2020.”

“Any other election cycle, this would be front and centre, but now it’ll disappear quicker than Jeffrey Epstein’s fingerprints from the sides of my Jacuzzi.”

Note: the Pizza Express in the photo is in Upminster, not Woking. Don’t bring that poor Pizza Express into this. The Toon Lampoon accepts no responsibility for any confusion.