Woman forced to read man’s fucking life story to get muffins recipe

I’ve always loved satire articles. When I was a boy in Sicily, my grandma used to make satire articles for our entire family.

Today, most satire articles are store-brought from satire chains, which I always find disheartening. Sure, it’s easier to get your snarky jabs at Boris Johnson from a big multinational satire company, but ask yourself: is it cheaper? The answer is no. At The Lampoon, we pride ourselves on how cheap our jokes are.

That’s why we make our spoofs, hot takes, and not-so-subtle digs from scratch, every day. A small, dedicated team, we’re proud to call ourselves a local business. We operate out of a sex shop right in the city centre, where we hot-desk with a BDSM dominatrix, just like grandma did.

Okay, now on with the article.

*Clears throat*

A local man inspired the ire of bakers everywhere today by putting too much emphasis on CHARACTER LIMIT EXCEEDED

How to make Margaritas

To make margaritas, you will need:

• Middle age
• At least two divorces

Margaritas need tequila. If you have relatives round, don’t say that, or one of them will invariably pipe up with “I think I need tequila”. You’ll find yourself having to laugh politely, or worse, genuinely laughing. With that laugh, you will surrender any claim to being young and free.

You can find tequila in any good supermarket, or a field where year eights are drinking. I tend to opt for the latter, as they’re usually too drunk to notice you’re stealing it. The recipe also calls for lime juice, which in my experience year eights don’t drink. They usually think that ‘lime juice’ is either a Class A drug or homophobic slur. Either way, they tend to be on-board, but it isn’t particularly helpful.

Add tequila and lime juice into a glass, with some orange liquor. For the uninitiated, orange liquor tastes like a Terry’s chocolate orange, if Terry’s chocolate oranges were haunted.

Finally, add some salt around the glass. I know it’s disgusting, but look at you. You used to have dreams and aspirations, and now what are you doing? You’re standing in somebody else’s kitchen wearing an apron that says “I love cooking with wine: sometimes I add it to the food!!!” You’re holding a jug of alcohol you think you’ll hate over six empty glasses. You’re oddly reluctant to pour, as if there’s some part of you in that jug that you’ll lose when you separate it into portions. And the truth is, there is, and you will. You’re going to do it anyway. I know it, you know it, the whole street knows it. So put salt around the glasses: it’s what you deserve.

Best served with lots of friends and even more tequila 😉

Eat Out to Help Out sees Spoons app orders of pots of PEAs increase 1000%

After the government’s introduction of the Eat Out to Help Out scheme, scores of highly original practical jokers have taken to ordering hundreds of unwanted items to people’s tables in Wetherspoons. One self-proclaimed ‘student comedian’ said to us “if it’s half the price, it’s double the fun.”

When the ‘Spoons game’ went viral over two years ago, it was regarded by many as the peak of British comedy. Who doesn’t say the ultimate practical joke on a night-out is when someone miles away pays for a small amount of food to be brought to your table, only for it to go uneaten and eventually be thrown away?

Now even the most tight-fisted jokers can join in on the action too, thanks to the new government scheme to get us all out our homes, and into places with cash registers. Now, a pot of peas will set you back just 32p and a glass of milk is only 35p, whereas the tables and pint pots are all free.

However, after the recent surge in useless orders, one member of staff is pleading for the prank to finally come to an end. She said that she once had to clear “so many peas from table 69 it weighed as much as a four stone child.” Our quantitative analyst at The Toon Lampoon estimates that not even the Green Giant himself could carry that.

However, Tim Martin, as ever, has other ideas, and has allegedly been spotted rolling around smushing peas and milk everywhere and making a “really big mess.” We’re not really sure why that would be, but he might be celebrating the literal tens of pounds he is making from all of this.

But what’s your opinion? Should these kings of comedy commemorated with a big old statue, just like Martin was a month back, or should they just be shot at dawn?

Sausage roll more of a wrap, scientist discovers

The Global Food Technology community has been left shaken by recent research which suggests that sausage rolls are actually more of a wrap.

Nutrition specialist Dr. G. Reggs made the shock announcement in his paper On the anatomy of a sausage roll, published in the British Pastry Journal earlier this week.

In his lengthy report, Dr. Reggs argued that the shape of a sausage roll differs greatly from that of a traditional Scandinavian cinnamon roll, and it also bears no resemblance to the music of Chuck Berry and The Beatles. Instead, its form is made by gently wrapping the sausagemeat in layers of flaky pastry while listening to Eminem – “and so”, argues Dr Greggs, “the name sausage wrap would be much more appropriate.”

This declaration hasn’t, however, come without backlash. Rival nutritionist Prof Milligans countered Dr Greggs’ claims, suggesting that the paper was simply written as a marketing stunt “like when the vegan sausage roll was introduced. That was just unfair competition to guilt-trip other meat-based bakeries for ploughing their customers with coronary heart disease.”

Mr. B. Akery laughed off claims that his pastries were more like wraps than rolls, saying: “They’re still letting me get away with calling them ‘sausage’. That’s a blooming miracle.”

Osborne Road bar shocks customers with happy hour that only lasts an hour

Jesmond residents have been left stunned after an Osborne Road bar has announced details of its new ‘happy hour’ offer – and it only lasts an hour.

The Bar – as the watering hole is affectionately known, whose tagline is “we don’t fuck around” – shocked punters when it unveiled its radical new signage this morning.

In comparison to its counterparts on Jesmond’s bustling main road, The Bar limits its happy hour to just sixty minutes. As a result, guests have to drink fast if they want to make the most of the half-price cocktails.

Osborne Road regular Johnny Bierman didn’t know what to make of the development.

“It’s shocking. I can’t believe how much they’re trying to rip us off compared to the other bars on the street, which have happy hours lasting at least three hours. A happy hour lasting only sixty minutes is bloody ridiculous.

“More than anything I just feel let down. They’re really wanting to milk us, but we’re not that stupid.”

The Housemartins were said to be equally shocked, exclaiming: “Don’t believe it (it’s happy hour again)”.

Basic white girl dubbed ‘hipster’ after not ordering Katsu Curry at Shijo

Outrage persists at Kayleigh Basicton for her heinous crimes against her people this week. At 4:23pm on 25 July 2020, 20-year-old Kailey purchased a portion of pork meatball yakisoba instead of her usual chicken katsu curry at the Haymarket branch of Japanese fast food outlet Shijo.

As soon as Kayliee’s friends realised they quickly began to turn against her, shunning her as a ‘hipster’ and a ‘traitor’. Brooklynne, better known as simply ‘one of the girlies’, said: “This time she’s taken it too far. What’s next? Loving your family more than Starbucks? Demanding your boyfriend get your birthday present from a different shop than Pandora, or even not ordering Katsu at Wagamamas too?”

It is known that on their last trip, like every trip, her and her friends agreed to be “more adventurous” next time and finally order something different. But this time K’Leigh didn’t panic and revert to her usual order – blasphemous behaviour that will see Kae-Lee ostracised forever, or at least til next Monday.

Twitter has come to the consensus that mixing up her order with a tofu katsu curry is okay as it’s “totes great for the environment”. Also ordering a limited edition pumpkin spice katsu curry, if it were to be brought out, would be acceptable too. However, going ‘off-menu’ – or, as it’s better known, The Second Column of the menu – is ‘textbook hipster’ and has completely changed Kaile’s public brand.

Cailey will now have to adopt a full hipster lifestyle. Kae’Leigh has already thrown out her Ugg boots and yoga pants and has bought in hair dye and some oversized plaid shirts. Caeli’s Instagram bio will now be changed from the well-known Marilyn Monroe quote “Katsu curry is one of life’s greatest treasures” to “Lost in a world that doesn’t exist“. This is because Khaileeiaough can’t just enjoy the things she likes – she has to conform fully to a set stereotype.

Beans on toast: a rah’s guide

Do you want a taste of fine dining like daddy buys you back home, but on a budget of 50p? Well, here at The Lampoon we’ve got you covered! We’ve searched far and wide, through deep jungles and crowded Tescos, to bring you this ancient recipe, adapted from a scrap of sacred parchment. Let’s get cooking!

For the first key component, I prefer only the finest dark notes of a full-bodied and double-roasted slice of toast. Often this effect can be achieved through your standard counter-top toaster. However, for the connoisseur, it should be roasted on a spatula held above a pocket lighter. Imagine you’re planning to jack up a gallon crumbs directly into your taste glands.

Then, you’ll need to open the tin: for the best results, do it like Jamie Oliver. First, make an insertion down the spine of the can, before cracking it in two like the neck of your first victim. This is done to separate the moist and subdued notes of the precious beans from the tasteless aluminium rind.

Now, like all the most delectable varieties of canned beans, the first two inches of the contents shall be just watery juice and nothing else. Some say this is due to companies wanting to save money, which is of course nonsense. In actuality, it is to make sure the beans arrive firm and perky. Ideally, they’ll stay as fresh as the day they were picked off the buds of the bean vines, down in the Heinz region of France.

This liquid, often referred as bean nectar, can be poured away down the sink or saved and added to instant coffee to make something which tastes better than instant coffee.

You can then add the beans to the toast hot or cold. Alternatively, serve them in a tumbler with two cubes of ice and a slice of lemon. Some may add a continental accoutrement by sprinkling a thin veil of cheese atop the dish. I prefer to snort a line of grated Parmesan before sitting down for my meal.

And there you have it: a meal to keep a rah going when he’s down to his last few thousand pounds.

Gay community outraged as straights appropriate banana bread during lockdown

Lockdown boredom led to an alarming number of straight people taking it upon themselves to bake their own banana bread, a tradition widely considered sacred among the gay community.

Dating back as far as the 1600s, gay people have long used banana bread as a token of love, as well as the perfect solution to those forgotten bananas that were bought with the best intentions and left to go bad at the back of the cupboard. 

Now the history of banana bread has been rendered meaningless, as straight people have been seen bashing out loaves left right and centre.

We spoke to a young lesbian couple affected by this secondary pandemic:

“Our house got egged last year during Pride Month. Now everyone’s got rainbows in their windows and they’re stockpiling all the bloody eggs! What are we supposed to do in lockdown now?”

The couple, who wish to remain anonymous, added they are “saddened, but not surprised” by the selfish behaviour displayed by straight people in the current climate.

Celebrities have also taken to social media to express their concern. Ellen DeGeneres tweeted:

Image adapted from Ellen DeGeneres on Twitter, who did not actually tweet this. Ellen, if you really are the Queen of Nice, please don’t sue us

As the number of banana bread appropriation cases continues to rise, LGBTQ+ spokesperson Sandi Toskvig is due to meet with the Official Ruler of Baked Goods, Mary Berry, on Zoom in the coming weeks to discuss possible legal action.

House of Lords “really hopes that someone gets superpowers” as Agriculture Bill passes

Baroness Altmann voiced her hope that the lowering of food standards following Brexit would result in a Britain watched over by superpowered entities. The opinion came after the House of Lords passed the Government’s controversial Agriculture Bill.

“There is a risk inherent in reducing the quality we demand in our meat and poultry,” Altmann stated upon exiting the House. “However, I think we need to balance that against the chances of having an emergent collective of Übermenschian protectors guarding us against the forces of evil.”

The Agriculture Bill’s detractors have argued that the legislation, if enshrined in law, would force Britain to accept hormone-fed beef and chlorinated chicken. Opponents have also claimed that sow stalls and battery cages would become a necessity for farmers, who would need to compete with American agricultural practices.

But many of the Lords found common ground in agreeing that these potential drawbacks would be “like, a hundred per cent worth it if it meant that we could have people zooming around the country shooting lasers out of their eyes like fucking Superman or something.”

Lord Adonis was especially vocal in his support of the bill, claiming that he would “pump kids full of salmonella using a goddamn fire hose if it meant that we could get guys smashing into buildings and throwing cranes at each other and shit.”

“We do, of course, understand that there have been cases of food poisoning and parasites as a result of less traditional practices,” Lord Agnew added. “But I truly believe that there are few things that could have a more beneficial effect on our economy and our morale than a man with the powers of God himself flying so fast around the earth that he turns back time. Like…he turns back fucking time, man,’ he added, gazing off into the distance. “I mean…fuck.”

Eat@Newcastle Updates Policy to Rule In Dubious US Meat

Eat@Newcastle, the company that operates Newcastle’s favourite culinary travesties, such as Chicken Shack opposite Luther’s and the Castle Leazes dining facilities, has made a controversial promise to utilise 100% American meat in the event of a trade deal without food standards protections.

Eat@Newcastle CEO, Veronica Egan, said “Despite our pride in the quality of our products and our concern for the health of our customers, we realise that students ultimately care about getting the cheapest deal possible. As such, utilising imported meat will greatly drive down our costs, the savings generated by which will definitely be passed on to students.”

Egan added, “Where we will see the most benefit is the Castle Leazes project. For years, we have tried to provide the bare minimum to people who are unable to cook for themselves, whilst charging an extortionate amount for meals. The reduction in ingredient costs will allow us to fund further research into separating money from the residents of Castle Leazes, or rather separating money from the residents’ parents.”

Consumer group Which? has claimed that poor US farming practices contribute to high incidence of food-borne illness among Americans. In any case, it would be best to see silver linings where possible; you might not have to exercise to avoid gaining weight when diarrhea and vomiting will have those kilos just melting off you.