Media still not sure if it can talk about Prince Andrew again

The media has been left in a tailspin following the failure of the necromantic rituals sustaining Prince Philip’s 1000 year long unlife. As such, it has hesitantly decided not to publish Ghislaine Maxwell’s recent confession that she saw Prince Andrew attending one of Jeffrey Epstein’s infamous Bacchanoncia parties.

Although currently unproven, the allegations are widely considered true, due to her testimony that the man she saw “did not sweat at all, almost as if his skin was some kind of rubber suit hiding his real reptilian skin”.

Normally, the tabloid press would of course just say that no one in the Royal Family ever liked Randy Andy, and find a way to blame Meghan Markle for it. However, printing the revelations in the same paper as another article about the Royal Family could cause readers to conflate the two.

As such, no-one except The Toon Lampoon will be reporting on this. This is because showing respect to Big Liz and her family would be antithetical to our ethos of seeking cheap controversy at every opportunity.

For us, this is a golden opportunity to be the only news source reporting the event. As such, we can force anyone who’s interested to read through our overly lurid version of events. Readers are assured this will include unnecessary and arguably unethical levels of detail about what happened on the nonce island.

In other news, the Daily Express is pushing for a similar agreement against reporting on systemic racism. Supposedly, it would cause the Royals deep pain to know that the thing Philip loved so dearly is under attack.

Featured Image: Wikimedia Commons

Prince Harry gets job as ‘life couch’

Though accidentally misinterpreted by many sources, Prince Harry has just swiped a new job as a real-life human couch, currently residing in a Californian gallery.

Prince Harry, also known as Piece 34561: Is this seat taken?, is getting paid $5M per annum to pretend to be a sofa, a mere pittance really. He is currently the centrepiece of the new exhibit titled The Throne Room, which has seen artists across America recreate their favourite pastime of sitting down.

The caption accompanying the piece invites visitors to “sit all over it” but to “be careful not to walk”. Prince Harry’s lady friend, Meghan Markle, is also part of the exhibit, disguised as a bar stool, complete with rotating cushion.

While Prince Harry has declined further use of his royal title, this Lampoon writer is still using it, because otherwise you won’t know who I’m talking about.

Bloody Hell! Gender-swapped Harry Potter reboot announced

Rumours have been swirling around what JK Rowling would do next to garner attention. In a Lampoon exclusive interview with Rowling herself (since credible journalists will not touch her with a six foot pole, regardless of COVID restrictions), she revealed her latest plans for a gender-swapped reboot of the Harry Potter series.

“I haven’t interfered with the Harry Potter canon in a while so I thought it was time to revisit it with fresh eyes,” Rowling told us while reading letters of protest and throwing them on the fire.

Here are a few of the new and old faces rumoured to join this project.

David Tennant is apparently eyeing up the part of Umbridge, the Ministry Official who increasingly takes over Hogwarts. “David has found a niche for himself in immoral and evil characters,” his agent told us over the phone, “first Marvel’s Kilgrave, then Des, it makes sense that he wants to play as the most evil of them all.”

The role of Dumbledore has yet to be cast, but if rumours are to be believed then JK Rowling has Whoopi Goldberg in mind for the part.

There is an ongoing feud between Millie Bobby Brown and Mckenna Grace as to who will play the titular character, Harriet Potter. Both are recognisable young actresses in Hollywood and each have the potential to inspire yet another reboot after their portrayal. We’ll keep you updated, readers.

What of the original Harriet (wait I mean Harry) Potter, Daniel Radcliffe? He has expressed an interest in the role of Benedict Lestrange which is appropriate since his more recent films are nearly as weird as Lestrange.

Rupert Grint is the only actor who has a confirmed part in this reboot as Gerald Weasley, the brother of Regina Weasley (best friend of Harriet Potter). His role makes sense, as his career has now become as irrelevant as Gerald’s character is in the series.

In spite of all the opposition to this reboot, mainly by the original actors who weren’t recast, everyone will still go see the films and give JK Rowling another few billion pounds. No doubt this money will later go towards another set of 5 films based on another unassuming textbook or book like Beedle the Bard.

Geordie mukbang youtuber sacked by Teeside agency after claiming “Parmos are a Geordie thing”

Geordie mukbang YouTuber, ClamminSam, who has two million subscribers, revealed on the 20th of January that her Teeside agency had sacked her for claiming that the parmo was a “Geordie creation”.

On the 16th of January, Sam uploaded a video of her eating a classic parmo, a hotshot parmo, a BBQ parmo, a parmo Kiev, a bolognese parmo, and a meat feast parmo, as one of many videos demonstrating her possession of an inhuman gastric-Bag-of-Holding. Unfortunately for her, an argument broke out in the comment section over the provenance of the parmo and she ‘liked’ a comment that stated “I was angry that people from Teeside claimed the parmo for themselves but I’m happy you posted a video of you somehow scranning down half a dozen of them.

The fighting only intensified, with the YouTuber becoming the subject of various attacks on social media, including in the comments of her own videos. Many Smoggies, seemingly with a lot of free time, spammed her with malicious comments, which caught the attention of her agency.

Sam personally weighed in on the controversy via a post on her channel. She explained that she meant no disrespect to Teesiders and that she respected their culture but “the parmo is 100% a Geordie thing, you wouldn’t try and take pasta from the Italian-Americans would you”. She then added that her agency, which managed her social media platforms, had terminated her contract on the 19th of January.

According to a statement from the agency, Sam’s comments had had a huge impact on the Teeside people and that they could not continue to promote her in Teeside in good conscience.

Sam responded by apologising for any misunderstanding that hurt her Teeside fans but would not want to be promoted in Teeside if she had to claim that parmos are from Middlesbrough. She posted “If I have to say that parmo is a Teeside creation, then I choose not to be promoted in Teeside. I hope that Teeside netizens understand that Teeside YouTubers do not need to say Teeside food is Geordie to be popular here.”

Newfess political posters ‘the new face’ of BBC’s Question Time

The BBC’s flagship political program, Question Time, is rumoured to be hiring the hottest political posters on Newfess II to be permanent panellists. The rumour started following a document leak on Twitter by a BBC staffer, and was later confirmed to be true by Director-General of the BBC Tim Davie who had this to say:

“I’ve been keeping a keen eye on Newfess over the years; from the original Newfess to the glorious period when we had two Newfess II’s jostling for the crown. One thing that was clear throughout its many different iterations is the sharp intelligence of its many political commentators. Who needs Alan Curtis to detail the complexities of the War in Afghanistan when we can have these Newfess posters tell the nation how George Bush was, in fact, ‘based’? It is for this reason that they have been chosen as the new face of British political institution”.

It is still unclear when these changes to the Question Time format will go into effect, however many predict that it will be after this year’s local elections in May.

Queen’s Gambit fans shocked to learn they aren’t the first to sensationalise chess

The Queen’s Gambit (QG) has become the latest in a long list of TV series that have become hits amongst people bored out of their mind during lockdown. It has become popular for the same reason that dark academia has become popular: if you can’t be clever, you may as well look clever. What better way than to watch a show about a board game with a long history, google the strategies and then proclaim yourself to have been a fan way before everyone else was?

I hate to break it to you, but it’s not a niche as you think, and you certainly aren’t the first.

Way back in 1984, Benny and Bjorn from ABBA, alongside lyricist Tim Rice (who helped write the lyrics for other West End musicals like Evita), released the concept album for their newest musical ‘Chess’. It followed two chess champions – the American and the Russian – during the Cold War, where political and personal rivalries come to the forefront of the competitions.

Does that not interest you, QG fans? I thought you were fans of chess!

Despite runs on the West End, Broadway and across the world, Chess has never reached the height of popularity that the QG has achieved. As such, Chess is an even more niche and ‘alternative’ way to express your love for the game.

How did QG fans react when I told them they weren’t actually that unique?

“I wasn’t watching it for the chess, it’s a shite game,” one man told us as he was coming back from the cornershop with a crate of alcohol. “I was watching it for the chick.”

When asked which TV series he would next binge was, he replied “Countdown. I couldn’t give a toss about the maths or letters, I just heard there’s an attractive bird on.”

Yes, we too at The Lampoon have a crush on Susie Dent, but don’t tell anyone!

We came across one girl leaving the library looking like she’d just walked out of a dark academia lookbook, complete with the glasses and Austen book. When asked about the QG, she excitedly replied “oh it’s my favourite TV show ever! I mean, I already knew about chess before the show blew up and it’s kinda sad to see all these fake fans but at least chess is more popular than ever!”

When asked about Chess (the musical), she looked at me confused.

“Wait, someone did that? What a dull idea for a musical.”

She then processed what she had said and quickly left pretending to go to an ‘alternative’ coffee shop (when we could clearly see she was headed towards Starbucks).

Someone passed by wearing every single piece of musical merch known to mankind, so we asked them on their thoughts on Chess.

“I’m sorry what’s that?” they asked after they took off their headphones. “Don’t you mean The Queen’s Gambit?”

It’s official: Chess is more niche and alternative than The Queen’s Gambit. Stand aside edgy QG fans, and let the OG chess fans pass through.

Masochist settles down to watch Doctor Who special

A local masochist is reportedly getting all comfy to watch the New Year’s Day special of Doctor Who. This follows a long day of bondage, extreme pain endurance and reading The Toon Lampoon.

The masochist told our reporter “Honestly, I’ve made my way this far through the Whittaker era, I may as well keep going.”

“If I’m feeling particularly masochistic, I might even read the fans’ Reddit posts about casting a woman as the Doctor.”

The main issue with becoming a Doctor Who fan is, of course, the increase in sex appeal. This is balanced out, though, by the fact that one’s social life becomes far easier to manage after losing most of one’s friends.

Our reporter was well-qualified to cover this story, in a first for The Lampoon. In our office – which is located in a sex shop – all our staff hotdesk with dominatrices.

It should be known, though, that our reporter only did the polite amount of BDSM sex with the masochist. This was followed almost immediately by the impolite amount.

Disney preview 100+ new projects in new announcement

Following the success of season 2 of The Mandalorian, Disney have commissioned a further twenty-seven series in the Star Wars universe for Disney+. This announcement arrives alongide nearly one-hundred other new projects from various Disney properties that will release over the next decade.

One of the new Star Wars series will be an anthology that follows a multitude of racially stereotyping characters from the prequels. Another will chronicle the rise and fall of Elan Sleazebaggano, the shady bloke who tries to sell death sticks to Obi-Wan in Attack of the Clones (2002). Perhaps most exciting of all is Yoda Returns – which will follow Yoda somehow returning to life in extremely unlikely circumstances following his death in Return of the Jedi (1983).

The Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) has also grown significantly with the new announcements. Fan-favourite characters like Hindsight Lad, Asbestos Lady and Doctor Bong (all real characters, look it up) will all get their own feature film. Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige has already confirmed that there will be “plenty of epic scenes where all the female characters happen to appear at the same time” across the new projects.

It is believed that six of the Seven Dwarfs from Snow White (1937) will have their own limited series coming 2024. Sleepy, due to his untimely death, has not signed on for his own series – but rumours are aswirl that he may make a CGI appreance in Grumpy’s show. The Magic Mirror has refused to comment on if it will appear in any of the series.

Along with a multitude of animated features, Disney have announced a live-aciton ‘reimagining’ of Finding Nemo (2003). Casting includes Matt Damon as Marlin, Angelina Jolie as Dory, Jason Momoa as Bruce, and the kid from Stranger Things as Nemo. Minimal CGI will be used, with director Tom Hooper going for a “organic” approach.

The first of the new Disney+ projects will roll out this summer. Cars 2: 2, a sequel to the second Cars film, is due to arrive in early June. Law-Abiding Citizens of the Caribbean, a Pirates of the Caribbean spin-off starring Steve Buscemi, will arrive shortly after in July.

Boris Johnson announces his New Year’s resolution: to do “more of a Tony Soprano sort of thing”

Following up on his promise to create a deal between the UK and the EU, Boris Johnson has made a new pledge, promising to fulfil a New Year’s resolution to become “thirty percent more Tony Soprano-esque.”

“The Prime Minister has proved his commitment to the Brexit process,” a Downing Street spokesperson told The Lampoon’s political correspondent. “Following on from this, we are confident that Mr Johnson will follow through on his promise to cultivate a more Sopranos-style milieu within the Cabinet with the same energy and dedication.”

Boris Johnson’s enthusiasm for getting rid of colleagues for perceived disloyalty, extramarital affairs, allowing his lack of leadership qualities to cause a breakdown of the organisation he leads, discrimination towards ethnic minorities, embarrassments involving elderly family members, and the remoulding of his physique into one reminiscent of what doctors have described as a “a guy who eats beef and sausage by the fuckin’ carload” have been noted by members of the public with an interest in both the Conservative Party and The Sopranos. When approached by The Lampoon, the member of the public in question said, “I’m withholding judgement on his performance thus far. In my opinion, he never had the makings of a varsity Prime Minister.”

Upon being questioned by The Lampoon, a Cabinet Minister who wished to remain anonymous stated, “Ooohhh!!” while gesticulating wildly with his arms. After the issue was pursued, the Cabinet Minister added, “All due respect, you got no fuckin’ idea what it’s like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other fuckin’ thing. It’s too much to deal with almost. And in the end you’re completely alone with it all.”

Reports from inside Downing Street have described the Prime Minister as muttering, “Woke up this morning, got yourself a gun” moments before announcing the deal between the United Kingdom and the European Union. Following the delivery of this announcement, The Lampoon’s cameras captured Johnson blocking Michael Gove’s mouth and nose until the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster had expired.

As the date of the Prime Minister’s resolution begins, the only question that remains to be answered is