Aspiring author agrees agency arson agenda absurd

After his seventy-third rejection for representation, novelist Tom Barrett admitted that his plan to burn to the ground every literary agency that has declined to take him on as a client has become increasingly impractical.

“There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to re-evaluate their goals and determine whether they’re not they’re realistic,” Barrett told The Lampoon’s literary reviewer, having tackled him to the ground outside The Lampoon’s office.

“Back when there were just ten agencies that had rejected my work, embarking on a series of arson attacks was a relatively straightforward goal,” continued Barrett, sitting astride our literary reviewer’s chest. “Sadly, my work’s lack of mainstream appeal and its inability to fit within current literary markets has required my intended firebombing campaign to become the stuff of dreams.”

Barrett’s works, which include a young adult fantasy novel that serves as an allegory of Benjamin Disraeli’s centrality to the Victorian political landscape; a science-fiction thriller that reflects on the importance of Disraeli’s Jewish identity in terms of his role as British Prime Minister; and a political novel that hypothesises a graphic sexual encounter between Disraeli and his rival, William Gladstone, will currently not be on sale anywhere in the near future.

Conservatives’ approval plummets as Boris Johnson reveals his favourite Star Trek captain

In a revelation that has shaken the foundations of British politics, Boris Johnson recently confirmed that his favourite Starfleet captain is Captain Benjamin Sisko.

“I mean…really?” Andrew Marr asked the Prime Minister, following his admission. “Look…obviously, it’s better than Archer: nobody’s disputing that. But do you honestly believe that this is the kind of talk that will boost the morale of the British people?”

The public’s view became clear days later, as an emergency opinion poll launched by the BBC revealed that the Conservatives’ approval ratings had dropped to under 28%. Comments made to The Toon Lampoon websites have made it clear that the Prime Minister may have made yet another costly mistake.

“I just can’t believe he said it,” writes Dan Maddox, 35. “If you want to get up to that sort of thing in the privacy of your own home, then I’m not trying to police that. But it’s quite another thing to stand up in front of the nation, bold as brass, and say that Sisko is the best captain that Star Trek has to offer.”

Meanwhile, even the Prime Minister’s Conservative colleagues are signalling disapproval over the controversial statement.

“It is, sadly, another sign of the Prime Minister’s occasional lapses of judgement,” said Conservative MP E. Tonian. “I mean…when you think of those in Starfleet possessing the inherent qualities necessary for command, you think of Kirk, Picard, Archer, and maybe Janeaway if your leadership contest collapses into a mess of backstabbing, scandal, and Leadsom. I don’t see how Boris can reconcile his membership of this party and his belief that someone like Benjamin Sisko is a better leader than those four and, frankly, I’d not be surprised to see him forced to resign over it.”

If you have strong feelings about this issue, or you would like to tell us and others about your own favourite Starfleet captain, The Toon Lampoon would like to invite you to read the room and keep your alternate continuity fanfiction to yourself, you goddamn nerd.

Cyberpunk 2077 devs held hostage by angry gamers

It’s now been over a week since the disastrous release of Cyberpunk 2077, a game that promised mature storytelling, unparalleled emergent gameplay in a fully interactive open world, and Keanu Reeves, but delivered an infinite variety of bizarre animation glitches, gratuitous nudity (including yet another graphical glitch where the player characters genitals are permanently visible) and a phoned in performance from Keanu Reeves. In response to the series of disgraceful 8/10 reviews the product they defined themselves by has received, a group of very angry hardcore gamers has abducted the entire development team and is threatening to ‘360 noscope’ them if they don’t improve the game to such a standard that incels can make liking it their entire identity.

The kidnappers’ demands include many features the marketing team promised, including interaction with the world beyond shooting cyborgs in their metal faces, functioning AI, and a story beyond Keanu Reeves popping in to say something arseholish every few minutes. These were followed by a list of additional features that the ransomers had convinced themselves were in the game despite never being mentioned by anyone who worked on the game, like full simulation of every aspect of future life down to needing to clean spilled nutripowder out of the cybermicrowave, interactive sex scenes with real-time jizz physics (jizzics) and a crime system so complicated it even simulates the player’s parole hearing following their arrest for the 157 murders they committed in the first 5 hours. Surprisingly, that every 3rd shop sells dildos and female characters are sexualised more often than not received nothing but praise from the kidnappers, and their stance on the game’s near-unplayability on console was nothing but a stream of homophobic insults directed at ‘console peasants’ and a long rant about how people who can’t afford a £1399 RTX 3090 graphics card probably spend all their money on crystal meth. Complaints over the game’s complete lack of engagement with the anti-capitalist roots of it’s genre in favour of a generic crime story with cyborgs were also conspicuously absent

Police efforts to negotiate the release of the captured developers were initially successful, but soon collapsed when one of the police officers foolishly mentioned that adding additional storylines for every possible job, including sexbot maintenance and bloodstain removal, was not feasible.

Excerpts from The Toon Lampoon letters to Santa

We Toon Lampoon journalists, either due to an inherent childish disposition or due to a need for hope after working here so long, have all been writing letters to Santa. One would expect them to be sent off, but our heartless editors normally burn them on the fire instead. To be fair, we don’t exactly have the budget for fuel.

This year, however, they have not been in the office to burn them, so they have been sent off to the North Pole. Our editors found out about this, and to make up for it, we have to publish excerpts from these letters to publicly humiliate ourselves. So much for it being the season for kindness.

One writer, in a glittery purple pen, wrote asking for world peace and an end to global hunger. Clearly, we have an imposter in our midst. No genuine Lampoon writer would ever be thoughtful enough to ask for that. We pride ourselves on being villainous and corrupt enough to not even deserve coal for Christmas. Time for a purge, pitchforks and all.

Another letter seemed to have been written in a hurry and has tear stains on the side. It is less a letter and more a cry for help. It includes lines such as “please may I have chain cutters to help me escape this place” and “naps for more than 30 minutes every other day”. They make the Lampoon office seem like a hellish place to work, but it definitely is not! I promise!

We must also add that this journalist mentioned something about freeing the Northumbria students from our basement. In response, we direct you to our already-issued public statement absolutely refusing to do so. In true Lampoon style, it consists mostly of typos and swear words.

The last letter is almost normal in its requests, which is certainly bizarre considering how normal people don’t last a day in the office. There’s the usual mentions of money, clothes, games and the like. Also “a new brother”.

Wait. That’s my letter.

If my long-suffering brother is reading this, it should come as no surprise to you since I’ve been trying to wish you away to the Goblin King for years. It just hasn’t worked out. Sorry bro.

We hope you have enjoyed this brief insight into the depraved and twisted minds of The Toon Lampoon journalists, your ever-loyal servants. We can only hope our wishes have been heard. Knowing our luck, it’ll be Krampus, not Santa, paying us a visit.

Man watching Belle Delphine porn on Christmas Day beginning to question some choices

A man has admitted that he is beginning to feel regret over some of his life decisions after watching Belle Delphine’s sex tape on Christmas. He made the confession opening up to our pornography reporter, a dominatrix who works in the sex shop that doubles up as The Lampoon’s office.

Speaking to our reporter, he asked “aren’t we meant to be having sex now?”

He agreed to keep talking, though, after she assured him that teary confessionals were her kink.

“I only watched the video once, but it’s the kind of thing that sticks with you,” he explained between sobs. “The rest of the day, I’m going to get flashbacks every time one of my family members mention ‘stuffing’.”

“To be fair, I can see it becoming a modern-day Christmas tradition, like watching Die Hard or breaking lockdown.”

The man has been referred for mental health support before someone takes advantage of his vulnerable position, and a Lampoon editor offers him a job.

Toon Lampoon writers excitedly put out milk and cookies for Rupert Murdoch

Writers for satire outlet and part-time money laundering front The Toon Lampoon have been seen putting out milk and cookies for Rupert Murdoch.

This is in eager anticipation of Murdoch’s overnight visit to every news publication in the world. Our writers can tell he’s been when they wake up the next morning to find their phones have been hacked.

Murdoch makes the trip every year on his yacht. The ship is used for heart-warming schemes all year round, like hosting Prime Ministers behind Parliament’s back.

Lampoon writers hope that they don’t appear on the naughty list, like how Murdoch does on Jeffrey Epstein’s ‘little black book’ under two separate numbers.

Christmas is of course expected to be difficult for The Lampoon writers this year, who are spending it alone. They can at least take solace in the fact that coronavirus means the rest of the country are finally doing the same.  

Hot music picks for staring out the window of the Robinson Library and mourning your failure to pursue a career in advanced mathematics

Most student papers’ arts and music sections are constantly running the most dull articles–this year’s top dance club hits! Best Christmas songs! What we listen to when we study! This needs to end, especially as everyone knows the answer to the last question is either “I don’t study” or “lofi hip-hop beats, which I listen to with my quirky pet hermit crab Fitzgerald while simultaneously pretending to be the lofi girl and some boring side character in Harry Potter even though I’m twenty-two.” Here, we understand student life: we relate to the experience of staring out the window of the Robinson Library while mourning your failure to pursue a career in advanced mathematics, even though you’ve never touched a math book for more than five seconds, and definitely not when anyone could see you reading such a thing.

Disclaimer: We are not being sponsored by any of these artists to share their music in this article, especially as most of them, if they knew, would want to sue us and burn every copy of this article so that their music would not be associated with the field of mathematics.

Nothing embodies your existential angst about the world failing to recognize your yet-undemonstrated potential for being the next great mathematician like “The Winter” by Balmorhea. Something about the violin in the background just completely complements the feeling of staring out the window at the fading light above the Law School and the piano bit that comes next hints at picturing a bunch of equations you don’t understand spiralling out from the air above your head like you are in a movie…

For when the rain is pounding down on the window and you think that if you’d just tried harder at the necessary calculus to get into university, you could have solved one of the Millennium Prize Problems while also making irreverent films about your daily life on campus involving heavily-involved Rube Goldberg-esque devices and stick people made of spaghetti.

For when you are gazing at the ground at the complex pseudo-Mandelbrotian spirals of ice on the concrete while you’re walking through Leazes Park on the way to the Robinson Library, wishing you understood the complex equations behind fractals so you could look upon the world around you in an all-understanding way that would lead you to great conclusions about the life we are living. While also realizing that if you took up math now it would be too late because it would just be a skill, and not an ingrained part of your quirky-but-profound personality and outlook that is simultaneously overly naive and childlike and similar to that of a 46-year-old college professor who treats everyone around him like a 5-year-old.

For realizing you will never be that cute girl in the goldenrod-yellow ribbed sweater and high-waisted jeans who casually does linear algebra with her set of Muji 0.38mm fineliners in a pastel pink Moleskine, who is also probably teaching herself three languages and has a vlog channel about Greek mythology. You know her, the one who says that math is “easy” because it’s “logical” and “makes sense” and only passed up the opportunity to singlehandedly run a university math department at the age of sixteen because she was more interested in “living authentically”, which led to her backpacking Germany for a year. You know, the person you thought you’d be by the time you were nineteen, but now you’re twenty and you still can’t organize your own space, much less take care of a succulent and run a tumblr about speaking Swedish in the cosy hideaway of blankets and fairy lights in a Twin Peaks-looking cabin evoked by this song.

Revealed: Boris and Cicero’s secret meeting

Cicero, whose name roughly translates to ‘chickpea’ in the English language, can now be revealed as the world’s most ardent Brexiteer. Boris Johnson is said to have contacted Cicero from Hades using a Ouija board handed down through generations of Etonians.

BoJo sought Cicero’s advice on giving a speech to the Commons on the impending trade doom/deal. Cicero, it is believed, proffered no advice to the blond-haired piece of human spam. Instead, he reminded Boris that he has the entirety of the Sun-reading public behind him.

According to our sources, Cicero also informed Boris that it is “important Brexit get done”, as it’s “dragging on longer than one of my own verb-less senate speeches”.

We have also received reports that Margaret Thatcher is being forced to drink the milk of every single school child from which she snatched it. This was owing to her own sins against the people.

Thatcher-Thatcher-milk-snatcher is in the Underworld with Cicero, and is in the process of becoming either a piece of brie or edam. The result is to be decided upon the completion of the curdling stage.

Stephen Colbert made special envoy to Middle East since he knows so fucking much

Talk show host and alleged comedian Stephen Colbert has been appointed a special envoy to the Middle East. The decision was made by American officials who were blown away by his witty and irreverent monologues.

“When we saw this guy, we knew he meant business,” an American diplomat told The Lampoon. “He spends all day talking about the symptoms of a problem he doesn’t have the balls to identify, just like our officials!”

“We’ve tried everything else, so why not talk show liberalism? We need someone who could march up to the Middle East and not even think that imperialism played a role there.”

A British diplomat to the Middle East who is close to The Lampoon welcomed the move. She told our reporter “I was sceptical at first, but after a few wry observations about Trump being orange, he won me over.”

“I’m sure his time in an improv troupe far outweighs my doctorate in international relations. Besides, what do I know? I was only shortlisted for the Nobel Peace Prize.”

Colbert is expected to stay in his new role until he fleshes out a two state solution between Israel and Palestine. Either that, or he comes up with a decent joke, which is expected to take longer.

Jed Mercurio refuses to reveal “incredible twist” in police procedural spin-off, “Lion of Duty”

Despite rabid speculation from fans of a fictional world where every member of the police is a murderer or a sex criminal, Line of Duty creator Jed Mercurio has offered no details on what he calls “the greatest twist” yet in the show’s upcoming spin-off series, Lion of Duty.

“Trust me, I’m very familiar with the show’s following by now,” he told The Lampoon’s Grim Police Procedural Correspondent. “They’ll beg you to reveal the details early on, but they really want to be shocked when they finally see it onscreen, and that’s how we’re going to play this one.”

Mercurio has refused to divulge any specifics regarding the new show’s elements, though he has promised “some courageous risks when it comes to casting, with some inspiration taken from some of the foremost examples of crime fiction: Turner and Hooch, K-9, Lion.”

“All I can and will say is that this is going to be television that is going to keep its audience, and every single member of its cast, on the edge of its seats,” Mercurio concluded. “In terms of the criminal experience of being hunted by police, I guarantee that we’ll see the most authentic performances yet.”